Freaking out - worst day of my life


Reply
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #41  March 18,2010, 4:38pm
TheThinker's Avatar

Just what you want to be...you will be in the end

Power Poster

Joined: Aug 2009

The Island of Rhode

Posts: 6,429

See profile

FaintestInkling wrote :

You have a difficult problem, but the only thing the Court cares about is "best interests of the child," and in most states, that means that you have the burden of proof to show that the advantage of the move for the child outweighs the disruption of moving, which includes the eventual problem posed by separate school districts. I'm sure the judge doesn't like preventing you from moving, but try that case 20 times and 19 judges will do the same thing.

no one but me saw this, huh?

wrote :
My ONLY option to get what I want is to homeschool. My ex would be on board totally and my job allows me the flexibility to do it. Ex and I both have degrees and the patience of Job. We can continue the schedule we already have and my son's schooling would be through both his parents.
 
  Reply With Quote
jayhawkgirl is offline jayhawkgirl Post #42  March 18,2010, 4:51pm
jayhawkgirl's Avatar

is back to square one

Pacesetter

Joined: Oct 2008

Posts: 405

See profile

TheThinker wrote :
no one but me saw this, huh?
Yes, I saw it, but it came rather late in her series of posts and I didn't get the impression she had thought it through completely. She is assuming her ex will also be contributing to the schooling? On what basis? Homeschooling is incredibly complicated and it's also very different to homeschool a kindergartner versus a fifth-grader. I don't get the impression from her posts that she has really thought much into the future.

I also thought it ironic that she claims to have the "patience of Job" when every one of her posts sounds like she is desperately impatient! In fact her headline, "Freaking out - worst day of my life" sounds rather hyperbolic and not what you would expect from a calm person with the "patience of Job."
 
  Reply With Quote
jcw001 is offline jcw001 Post #43  March 18,2010, 5:08pm
jcw001's Avatar

Enthusiast

Joined: Jan 2010

Horsham, PA

Posts: 652

See profile

indigo79 wrote :
The court granted me permission to move 30 minutes away. My fiancee is a 1 hour, 12 minutes away. The extra 42 minutes is what's preventing me from marrying my fiance.

If the drive is only once a week, how would that scar a child for life? I grew up with a very amazing and involved dad. He was in Hartford and I was in Boston. The drive never bothered me. Again, I did that drive twice a month.

At what point does quality of life become more important than an extra 40 minutes in the car? What if that extra 40 minutes gives my son a safer neighborhood (we live on a busy street, my fiance does not), a backyard (I am in an apartment complex - no yard), and a good family structure?

My fiance will also allow me to practice acupuncture in his (our) home. I can work from home instead of putting my son in daycare. Isn't that important too? I should throw it all away because of the extra driving?
Again, Court has spoken. I think you need to come to grips with that. It is what it is and it will not change unless there are proper circumstances as defined by Court to re-look the order.

Seriously, take time away and make sure that is cemented into your thinking. It is a constraint and it is not going to go away.

I and other posters have agreed nearly straight down the line on what your options are. We've offered all kinds of potential solutions.

At the end of the day though, this is about your life and the life of your son.

You have choices to make. Take your time, think them through. Make sure whatever you choose are choices that you will always be able to live with.


I will answer though this: yes, the extra time in the car is a significant problem especially with weekly transfers. I admit that I find it inappropriate to rationalize what you want over what is better (less time in the car) for your son so I am going to bow out of this thread.

My offer to assist with finding school information will remain open if you choose to prioritize your son at least as high as your relationship with your fiance and he is willing to be a reasonable human being and meet you in the middle.
 
  Reply With Quote
nightling is offline nightling Post #44  March 18,2010, 5:42pm
nightling's Avatar

all I'll leave are smoke rings in the dark.

Power Poster

Joined: Sep 2009

Misery

Posts: 6,943

See profile

If you were moving to get a better paying job I believe the courts would side with you bc it's bettering the kid's financial prospects.

But just moving for the purpose of pursuing romance ... even if it's leading to marriage is really only benefitting the adult. And let's face it ... while it might not be the case for you, I have seen a lot of cases where the new situation is detrimental to the child. The new "dad" doesn't even like the kid or he's abusive ... it's a pretty mixed blessing for the kid sometimes. So I can kind of see the court's point of view on things. Mom's romantic life and happiness is totally not their concern.

I do think you need a better attorney to help you sort through these things.
 
  Reply With Quote
lemongrass is offline lemongrass Post #45  March 18,2010, 6:21pm
lemongrass's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Feb 2010

Posts: 47

See profile

sorry not much input here, am in another country but again your court is right as same here, we put the kids at utmost first piority.

i will not sacrify my kid.
 
  Reply With Quote
indigo79 is offline indigo79 Post #46  March 18,2010, 9:02pm
indigo79's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Mar 2010

Posts: 18

See profile

jayhawkgirl wrote :

I don't mean to sound harsh, but I think you are SO desperate to be with this man you will rationalize anything in order to make it happen, even if it means doing something that really isn't in the best interests of your son.

You said yourself your ex is an amazing dad. He needs to remain a constant presence in your son's life. You are willing to jeopardize that to be with a man.
Nope, not at all. It would be completely understandable if I were to just take off and make his dad do an every-other-weekend schedule.

I offered to have my son be with his dad 40 weekends a year and 7 weeks in the summer, along with Spring vacation. It totals to about 155 days a year. My son would be in my school district just as he is now. Ex refused to budge.

You would actually have a point if I were doing something to harm the relationship, but I am not. My son's relationship with his dad would still be preserved and they would spend the same quality time together.

My ex is only saying "no" to all this because he is mad that I'm moving on. This has NOTHING to do with his fear that the relationship with our child will deteriorate. You have this all wrong.
 
  Reply With Quote
indigo79 is offline indigo79 Post #47  March 18,2010, 9:04pm
indigo79's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Mar 2010

Posts: 18

See profile

jayhawkgirl wrote :

You said yourself your ex is an amazing dad. He needs to remain a constant presence in your son's life. You are willing to jeopardize that to be with a man.
Where are you drawing the conclusion that I am jeopardizing my son's relationship with his dad? I don't recall saying my son would be with his dad any less.
 
  Reply With Quote
indigo79 is offline indigo79 Post #48  March 18,2010, 9:13pm
indigo79's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Mar 2010

Posts: 18

See profile

ThePriestess wrote :
Sorry for this, you guys know how I adore making long posts :P BUT, here's an excerpt from a truly wonderful little book (highly recommend):


How To Reframe Problems

There is a particular kind of set I call "freezing the problem." We freeze a problem when we act as though all we can do is to cope with the problem, accomodate ourselves to it, react after it has happened. Suppose, though, that the problem itself can be changed, made less serious, or even eliminated. The key question might be: what about trying to prevent the problem from even coming up? What about thinking preventively, so that in the end there is no problem left at all?

Some friends of mine loved to have fires in their fireplace. But they lived in a house so designed that when they wanted to use the fireplace, they had to haul firewood through the whole house to get it there. The result was that they seldom built fires, and when they did they made a huge mess. For years they just tried to carry wood more carefully. Later they were proud of themselves for hauling wood in a box, to avoid dropping splinters and dirt all through the house. But this was awkward too. The halls were still small, the box large.

No doubt there were still more creative options: maybe getting wood cut into really tiny pieces, or buying the dirt-free fake logs you see in hardware stores, or getting some nice dirt-colored carpet so the mess was less noticeable. Once again, however, notice that all of these ideas left the problem as it was. They froze the problem rather than changing it. Suppose that instead we ask: Is there a way to prevent this problem from even coming up?

Here is what a precocious cousin finally proposed: knock a hole in the wall right next to the fireplace and put in a little door and a woodbox. My friends were delighted and did just that. Voila --- end of problem!

(Weston, 2002, pg. 40-41)



References

Weston, Anthony. (2002). A Practical Companion to Ethics (2nd Edition). Oxford, New York: Oxford University Press.
Very interesting. I am willing to homeschool, and I know that my son's dad would participate. He already said he would. I could draw up the curriculum and my ex would just comply with it. Our son could remain in the same schedule he has right now with us, without "school district" issues getting in the way.

Problem is, ex still wants me within 20 miles. He will fight tooth and nail to make sure I don't move.

Today in mediation I offered primary residence to my ex, but that I want visitation half the time. It's really just semantics... whoever has the child more would have primary residence. I offered him 183 days a year and I get 182. My fiance and I even offered child support. Technically, I would be giving up primary physical custody but have a ton of visitation so that I am literally there half the time... just like it's always been.

Ex is still saying no. He really really really doesn't want this marriage to happen. I'm trying to figure out how I can parent my child half the time and get married. We set a date for August, and we are going through with it.
 
  Reply With Quote
indigo79 is offline indigo79 Post #49  March 18,2010, 9:25pm
indigo79's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Mar 2010

Posts: 18

See profile

jayhawkgirl wrote :
I also thought it ironic that she claims to have the "patience of Job" when every one of her posts sounds like she is desperately impatient! In fact her headline, "Freaking out - worst day of my life" sounds rather hyperbolic and not what you would expect from a calm person with the "patience of Job."
We have the patience of Job when it comes to our child.

Yes, even patient people freak out and have bad days. Yes, this really is truly the worst day of my life. I found out the man of my dreams and I can't get married. Have you ever had something precious taken away from you?

I really don't know why you have such a chip on your shoulder. I never once said I would sacrifice my child. YOU said that. I never said I would do anything to disrupt his relationship with his dad. YOU concluded that. You are extremely judgemental. Probably comes with the territory, being that you are a school counselor and see lots of bad things, but not all of us are as bad as the kind of people you deal with.

And I did think through homeschool thoroughly, and ex is fine with it, but he still will fight the move. That's why I didn't bring it up right away.
 
  Reply With Quote
Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #50  March 18,2010, 9:36pm
Sassafras54's Avatar

Your Community Coordinator

Moderator

Joined: Oct 2009

San Pedro, CA

Posts: 9,080

See profile

I like how you're being creative in finding possible solutions.

About school, a couple questions:

Most people who do homeschooling do it for religious or philosophical reasons; they believe they're providing a better environment and education than a school can. Your reason is so you can resolve this problem with your ex. Is that a good reason? I'm not saying yes or no, just think you should think about this.

Homeschooling has drawbacks, and it's difficult and takes many hours out of your day. From your son's perspective, he does not get exposed to the wide variety of people he would in school; he does not learn that people other than parents can be authorities, etc.

Second, about transferring him each week between different schools: that seems highly disruptive for your child. What about friendships? activities? relationships with teachers?

I don't know how long you've been working on this problem, but I'd suggest giving it time ... to let emotions evolve and simmer down, make the time/space for new ideas to appear, etc.

Good luck!
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« How soon is too soon to send flowers to her workplace? | Relationships | Your thoughts on successfully blending families... »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
Worst concert you've ever gone to? eHA_Admin_Lori Music 19 July 13,2010 8:56am
Are Allergies Developed In Later Life a Sign of Our Toxic Environment? DennisWisconsin Atheists, Humorists, and Science 9 November 7,2009 8:07pm
How much do you say about a non-existent love life? Turtle_speed Dating 46 October 2,2009 6:54am
Personal Life vs. Professional Life brneyedangel Ask a Dating Expert 24 October 1,2009 6:23pm

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“ ^This is the better plan.. My experience has been that love usually comes along when you least expect it, and when your heart is open enough to let it in. If you try to put a set time table on when ... ” –  TheThinker

Join the “Transition from dating to relationship” discussion

“ As Ingy mentions ...he's good with the lines and multitasking relationships.. All anyone can say is: don't get played again...especially by the same guy twice... Move on to someone who is decisive ... ” –  lynntlb78

Join the “Reuniting with EX” discussion

“This varies based on your age, gender, location, settings, and 29 dimensions. My settings are fairly narrow and I've always gotten a steady stream of matches. But, my location seems to have a lot ... ” –  dmi

Join the “Different Strategy” discussion

“I'm extremely allergic to cats, plus I just don't like 'em. So I won't date someone with cats. Dogs, I love. But I'm attracted to certain types of dogs. A guy with a little yorkie turns me off. ... ” –  ZisaGirl

Join the “What about a "PET BOX" ?? again this sounds simple or??” discussion

“If you get the opportunity, yes.” –  ThePriestess

Join the “Should I ever date in college?” discussion

“...and since you're Shaun Cassidy fan mitchell...this song is just for you! "Da Doo Ron Ron" I met her on a Monday And my heart stood still Da doo ron ron ron Da doo ron ron Somebody told me That ... ” –  legend29

Join the “Robin Gibbs Dead at 62...How Deep is Your Love?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 9:28am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0