Freaking out - worst day of my life


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lil_lamb is offline lil_lamb Post #21  March 18,2010, 10:48am
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wrote :
The BEST thing for Children is that their parents are equally in their lives.

The BEST thing for children is that their parents are working together to support them.

The BEST thing for children is that they feel equally Loved, Supported and as much part of an intact Family as they would have been without divorce.

Stability for children comes from the believe that they are part of an intact Family; separated by Divorce, but held together by Love that is universally focused toward the children that binds them as a unit.
let's look at the cold hard truth: you work with what you've got, not fantasy ideals and theoretical best practices. marriage and living together doesn't even bring these things. the OP and her husband have already gone to court over this matter - there's no working together, no supportiveness, and no intact relationship.

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While it might be contested, I know for a fact that separated parents that share 50/50 custody can live across state lines. It is physical distance that matters.
parents can live across state lines. whether they may or not is another question. once you're in court and you have a contentious relationship, i wouldn't count on it. they've already been told NO.

wrote :
As I'd mentioned, the only thing that has to be worked out is schooling. If you do move (assuming that is your choice and your Fiance will consider it) make sure that school district performance and community are top priorities.
you're not going to get equal involvement if your residences are nowhere near each other in terms of school districts.

wrote :
I would be more than glad to help you research those things... With a family of educators and having been through this process, I have an idea of what to look for. Feel free to PM me if this becomes a viable path.
thanks. if i ever have a rosy divorce from a doormat of a man, i'll do that.
 
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indigo79 is offline indigo79 Post #22  March 18,2010, 11:03am
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Lilycat wrote :
1) You can't have it all, so you need to figure out what you want. Obviously your child's interests are a part of this, but they should not be the only factor in your decision.

2) It has been said here before, I think - get another lawyer! See if you can have this revisited, this is an odd decision IMHO.

Unless there is someting big you are leaving out here, that decision does not make a lot of sense to me.

Good luck with this, and keep us posted.

Lilycat
Lilycat, I sincerely wish there was more to share, but that's it. We split up in 2008 and agreed to one week on, one week off. I live in a tiny one bedroom apartment and at the time my son was only 2. He is now 4 and I am in the same apartment and am ready to move on to a better home. I'm living in this small space so I could work part time and finish up my master's.

Because I agreed to this shared parenting, it's hard to undo it. My ex has gotten comfortable with me being in the same town that an hour's drive is really throwing him off.

His attorney argues that 50/50 custody is impossible when there's a 70 mile distance. I argue that I am willing to provide the transportation so that his face time with our son does not change one bit.
 
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seeker8 is offline seeker8 Post #23  March 18,2010, 11:26am
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I have a suggestion. What if Your fiance moved 30 minutes closer to you and bought a house with a in law apt attached for his mom so he could still take her to lunch and be a big part of her life, but you could share custody of your son as it is now. I think the courts concern was that your son couldn't live every other week 70 miles away in another state and still attend the same school. I really don't get the every other week visitation thing anyhow. That seems very disruptive to me. However, If its working why change it. I think if your fiance loves his mom, you love your son, then you all have to compromise and work it out together to make it work and everyone wins. My ex lives 2 miles away and sees his kids about an hour a week, IF he feels like it, and can fit them in.

If your ex is willing to let you have your son every weekend and he have him during the week except during the summer when school isnt an issue, that would work out too. I think its going to be a tough decision and only YOU can make it.
 
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jcw001 is offline jcw001 Post #24  March 18,2010, 11:37am
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lil_lamb wrote :
let's look at the cold hard truth: you work with what you've got, not fantasy ideals and theoretical best practices. marriage and living together doesn't even bring these things. the OP and her husband have already gone to court over this matter - there's no working together, no supportiveness, and no intact relationship.
This may be the way you see it and I can respect that. I do not agree with you - on any account.

Thankfully, many, many aggrieving parties are able to move toward the "fantasy ideals" and make them reality in time. They do it for their children. It may or may not involve counsel, but it happens and the kids are better off for it.

Divorced parties are many times angry and act very badly for a period of time. Time has a way of scabbing over wounds and allows people to act better - especially when and if they prioritize their children.

What is the point of focusing on the carp? Personally, I'd rather focus on helping people get through the carp in a way that bridges can be rebuilt where parties perhaps move toward agreeable grounds.

I cannot stand my ex-wife and she cannot stand me. We have our reasons. The reality is that our children are doing famously. They are well-adjusted and resilient. That is because the scabs have completely covered the wounds and we do work together (largely) to support our children.

We all make choices every minute of everyday. The hope is to make it reality to make the best choices with what we have to work with. Like I said, parents bring children into the world - the kids don't ask to be born - they are born. We cannot control anyone but ourselves, but we can influence them by our choices which result in how we behave.

By the way, the assistance I offered to the OP was an offer to her. However, I am willing to help anyone in this space that might want it.

OP - no apology needed whatsoever. I do know all too well the feelings that go along with your situation (or at least how it felt to me.) I know it it tough!! Please believe that I am willing to assist in any way I can.
 
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jcw001 is offline jcw001 Post #25  March 18,2010, 11:40am
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indigo79 wrote :
Lilycat, I sincerely wish there was more to share, but that's it. We split up in 2008 and agreed to one week on, one week off. I live in a tiny one bedroom apartment and at the time my son was only 2. He is now 4 and I am in the same apartment and am ready to move on to a better home. I'm living in this small space so I could work part time and finish up my master's.

Because I agreed to this shared parenting, it's hard to undo it. My ex has gotten comfortable with me being in the same town that an hour's drive is really throwing him off.

His attorney argues that 50/50 custody is impossible when there's a 70 mile distance. I argue that I am willing to provide the transportation so that his face time with our son does not change one bit.
Again, I am just trying to provide perspective.

Your son will not want to be in the car for an hour. It is all ready hard enough on him to make transitions (and it will unfortunately likely become harder). He will also not want to be that far away. Seriously try too regress to thinking like a 4-year old. Would you want to be that far away from Mommy and/or Daddy? Nope.

The Court has spoken and you are right, changing it will be very very difficult at this point if not impossible unless you choose to yield custody.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #26  March 18,2010, 11:43am
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indigo79 wrote :

My ONLY option to get what I want is to homeschool. My ex would be on board totally and my job allows me the flexibility to do it. Ex and I both have degrees and the patience of Job. We can continue the schedule we already have and my son's schooling would be through both his parents.
then if that's the choice why not... what's the downside for you?
Sounds like a plan.
 
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Jato87 is offline Jato87 Post #27  March 18,2010, 11:48am
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DancingFool wrote :
OP, if I were you I'd look around for a better attorney and then revisit the issue of moving. Also, I know you've tried, but all you can do is try again to reach some kind of a friendly agreement with your ex and overcome his vindictive behavior.
==========================

To add to what DancingFool said above:

You’ve outlined a complicated, difficult situation, but have received a lot of thoughtful possible options and suggestions. Here's one more to consider:

You seem to have a supportive and understanding fiancé who has some resources. Ease up on yourself for a moment--you don't have to make this difficult decision right now. The pressure seems to be your desire to get married and live with your husband. But what if you maintain the status quo for another three, six, or twelve months while you work out an optimal solution. Get past the demands of school.

It’s not ideal, but people and circumstances do change over time. Maybe a different lawyer might facilitate a solution. Or your fiancé might come up with something workable. He has an interest in doing so. Relax the pressure on yourself and give it little more time.
Last edited by Jato87; March 18,2010 at 12:02pm.
 
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jcw001 is offline jcw001 Post #28  March 18,2010, 11:51am
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indigo79 wrote :
I really owe you an apology. I was rude and snotty to you. I felt you were judging me and I realize you were only trying to help.

My ex is such an amazing father, but soooo vindictive. He wants to punish me for moving on and that's why he fought so hard to keep me close. He knows that I am more than willing to do shared custody with an hour's drive in between us, but he is so intimidated by how great my fiance is.

My fiance makes six figures and if he moved to my town, his commute would be 2 hours one way. 4 hours a day in a car, plus a 9 hour work day... sounds like quality of life would diminish.

I am willing to care for his mom and she could live with us. I love her to death. I give her acupuncture all the time to help her deal with pain (she has severe MS and is wheelchair bound). It's really about his job

Your sympathy really helps, thank you everyone!
Time will likely scab him over and I hope the seemingly one problem will therefore correct itself.

Please do see my other post. It just isn't about you two adults - it is also about the perception of your son...

I agree that his move to your town would bring a lot of hardship and that is why I wonder whether if you could find something more in the middle???
 
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indigo79 is offline indigo79 Post #29  March 18,2010, 1:20pm
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jcw001 wrote :
Again, I am just trying to provide perspective.

Your son will not want to be in the car for an hour. It is all ready hard enough on him to make transitions (and it will unfortunately likely become harder). He will also not want to be that far away. Seriously try too regress to thinking like a 4-year old. Would you want to be that far away from Mommy and/or Daddy? Nope.
The court granted me permission to move 30 minutes away. My fiancee is a 1 hour, 12 minutes away. The extra 42 minutes is what's preventing me from marrying my fiance.

If the drive is only once a week, how would that scar a child for life? I grew up with a very amazing and involved dad. He was in Hartford and I was in Boston. The drive never bothered me. Again, I did that drive twice a month.

At what point does quality of life become more important than an extra 40 minutes in the car? What if that extra 40 minutes gives my son a safer neighborhood (we live on a busy street, my fiance does not), a backyard (I am in an apartment complex - no yard), and a good family structure?

My fiance will also allow me to practice acupuncture in his (our) home. I can work from home instead of putting my son in daycare. Isn't that important too? I should throw it all away because of the extra driving?
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #30  March 18,2010, 1:39pm
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What a hard situation to be in.

Here's a suggestion: try mediation, without lawyers present. If it doesn't help, it doesn't. But sometimes court/lawyers can make a fight out of something that really, just has to be negotiated. It seems like there should be lots of possible solutions here, if you and your ex can both be creative about it.

If you do choose mediation, the most important thing you can do to make it work is accept that neither side gets everything they want. The goal is to find a liveable solution.
 
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