Opinions: Going out or staying in when in a relationship


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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #1  March 14,2010, 8:03pm

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My present steady and I went out at least one night of the weekend while we were first dating. We usually also got together for daytime drives to the coast or walking the dog and so on on a weekend and I invited him to my home every wednesday for dinner and DVDs.

For the past several weekends, he hasn't been interested in going out at all. He has been house/dog-sitting for his son and I have gone to his place for 2 of the past 3 weekends. We usually cook (which means I usually cook) but occasionally will order in. He's also quit coming over during the week-maybe due to the increased drive though he says he just hasn't felt like it and why don't I come to his place and stay over.

This is not what I enjoy doing every weekend and yesterday I brought up the not going out thing-I wanted to know what his expectations were and to share mine.

He said that since we aren't "Just Dating" any more but are "In a Relationship" now, we don't need to go out. Maybe a couple of times a month suits him fine.

That is not my style nor do I enjoy staying home every weekend, so last night I decided to take myself out and listen to music, then returned to my home for the evening. I frequently did this before our relationship began...I like being social.

I'm curious what others in relationships are doing these days....Whats typical for you?

. My husband and I were social and busy almost every weekend with some sort of event or program. He was a drummer and played gigs frequently and I often went with him..My boyfriend is also in a band, and I understand and appreciate that when he has gigs he isn't available, and that he has practice a couple of times a week. He says between gigs and work, he just wants to relax on the weekend.

Curious on opinions here.....
Last edited by RoxyRedhead; March 15,2010 at 7:29am. Reason: to change wording
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #2  March 14,2010, 8:20pm
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You've hit on some of the reasons I won't date musicians any more! Their time is taken up by gigs and band practices. And when he's playing, you don't have a dance partner!

That aside, it seems like you two have different expectations in how much and what kinds of activities you will do as a couple. If he's not willing to change, and you're not happy with the situation, you're not going to be happy with him long-term.

My ex-husband was like that. Beyond him being a musician, he never wanted to go on any dates, just him and me, ever. He didn't see the point. Our entire social life revolved around the kids and occasional church potluck dinners. When his band wasn't playing, he'd rather stay home, and he'd be asleep by 9:00. Looking back, I don't know how we lasted as long as we did (19+ years, and dated for 6 years before that).

It seems like your guy was putting on a show with the "dating" until he got you into a relationship, then seems to have pulled a bait-and-switch with his homebody act shining through. Things do tend to slow down and become more routine in a relationship, but you guys have only been dating, what, 3 months? That's far too soon to fall into the fall-asleep-in-front-of-the-TV rut instead of going out!
 
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PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #3  March 14,2010, 8:23pm

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I just wanted to say I'm sorry that he kinda changes on you Roxy.

For me...my only thing is in this economy, it's tough to go out on weekly basis...but if the weather is nice, at least I'd like to go out around the parks (Ya know...we ain't got too much sunshine in our area...) and I consider that some kind of outdoor activity...or go have picnic at the park...happy hour, etc...so for me it's more about economical reasons, but if my girlfriend takes turns with me, then it's ok.

I'm not much of a concert kinda person...don't know why...but I'm open to go swing dancing, or go share a pitcher and watch a local band (at the McM...) or go bowling, wine tasting, etc..

Plus....when I say 'cooking in' it means at least I'll cook or we both cook...or me grilling in the backyard trying out new recipe, etc.
Last edited by PY_2; March 14,2010 at 8:25pm.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #4  March 14,2010, 8:36pm
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When I was dating my husband, we had dinner out every Friday night. We spent entire weekends together at each other's houses. We probably did stuff on the weekends, though all I really remember is the Friday night "date night" thing.

Once we married, we continued the Friday night "date night", as well as whatever else we did on weekends.

Once both retired, we probably ate out 3-4 times a week, and made it a point to leave the house 5-6 times a week. But we did alot more "daytime" things.

I actually got to enjoy being home in the evenings with him. Even now.....I don't want to seem like a recluse or anything.....but I do enjoy staying home (even though I'm alone).....especially at night, when it's cold out.

Maybe I am a recluse, after all.

I guess I'm just not as "sociable" as you.

Because for me.....the most important thing was always.....that I spend as much time as I possibly could.....with the man I love.....any way I could. I said at my husband's Memorial....."I would rather do nothing with him, than something with anybody else".

That's my opinion, FWIW.

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EMTZ is offline EMTZ Post #5  March 14,2010, 8:44pm
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All people I have been with know I go crazy staying at home for two days or more, and some of them feel the same way. So our habits of going out stay practically the same as when we were just dating.
 
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Rainfallgirl is offline Rainfallgirl Post #6  March 14,2010, 9:10pm
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I am quite a home-body and so was my ex and that was one thing that really worked for both of us; a lifestyle where we both liked just being at home.

Current BF is more sociable than my ex and I think it is good for me but I can get cranky about it if too much socializing by me is required and I will try to wriggle out of social obligations despite the fact that when I go I almost always have fun.

What I don't like is being surrounded by lots of people I don't feel that much of a connection with. It makes me feel like I am wasting my precious time making small talk that doesn't matter at all. I would much rather have an intimate evening with just BF and me.

It wears me out if I have more than 2 or 3 social activities with other people in 1 week during the evenings and weekend. Some times I just need to stay home, recuperate and relax.

I do like to spend time with just my man almost every night of the week and on weekends and am equally happy going out or staying home if it is the two of us. There are a few days when I need to be absolutely alone though, as well.
Last edited by Rainfallgirl; March 14,2010 at 9:50pm. Reason: clarity
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #7  March 14,2010, 9:23pm
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I don't think "typical" exists. People vary a lot on how much energy they have, how social they are, how much quiet time they want, etc.

"A couple times a month" seems very little to me, and I'm fairly reclusive. You're much more social than I am, so ... what are your options?

- end it
- make him go out even though he doesn't want to
- stay in even though you don't want to
- compromise: go out more than he wants but less than you want
- spend a lot of time apart, doing your separate things
- find going-out events that would interest him more?
- find going-out events that are more low-key and relaxing than might be typical for you?
- have parties or small gatherings at yours/his house? rather than going out

Of course, there's the dog-training approach: every time he goes out with you, he gets a Big Treat so he will want to do it again!
 
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gothustartus is offline gothustartus Post #8  March 15,2010, 1:05am
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My sons mother never wanted to go out, it used to drive me nuts because i like to go out even if it's for nothing more than window shopping or going walkabout.

His comment that now you're in a relationship you don't need to go out anymore is a bit worrying, makes me wonder what other behaviour he thinks he doesn't have to keep up now.
 
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meri75 is offline meri75 Post #9  March 15,2010, 1:10am
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RoxyRedhead wrote :
I wonder what others feel is typical for a relationship couple. My husband and I were social and busy almost every weekend with some sort of event or program. He was a drummer and played gigs frequently and I often went with him..My boyfriend is also in a band, and I understand and appreciate that when he has gigs he isn't available, and that he has practice a couple of times a week. He says between gigs and work, he just wants to relax on the weekend.

Curious on opinions here.....
Roxy, perhaps I'm way off base ... but I think there is no typical pattern for couples. I think there is what each couple custom makes for themselves.
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #10  March 15,2010, 7:54am

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Thanks those who have replied--

As for my wording of typical.I did mis-write there...and changed it. What I was actually wondering is what others have experienced?

My 20 years married was 'typical' for my husband and I of course..and we hung out with a fairly social group so thats what I saw as normal..

@wonderwoman..I know we have that difference about being a 'band wife'....I loved it-but it made you crazy! I actually enjoy the practices and gigs so I did give extra points for a guy who was in a band. Sort of points out the differences in people doesn't it.....

@py..I wish he did cook-but he doesn't and so I do. I feel as though I'm in stay at home wife mode with him already..since I don't work, then dinner is my job. Jokingly I asked him if he expected me to do the laundry too.Points about the economy are understood..and I do pay my own way.

@Sassafras..thanks for your concise outline of options. Similar to my mental list.

@j8a..oh I do enjoy just hanging out with him and we do a lot of that. A lot. I guess hanging at his sons house, where I have nothing really to do (except play on my computer or read a book) while he watches TV has gotten a to me just a little bit though. Especially on the few hours of nice weekend weather we have had. When the sun comes out and I suggest a walk down to a cool street nearby where there are interesting stores to browse and places to grab a nosh, he wants to watch golf on TV. Golf is on TV 24/7. On 2 channels. Watching golf, for me is less interesting that watching paint dry. I ended up going out and weeding his sons yard for a while.

@goth and emtz..you guys seem to be more like me when it comes to activity level.

We have been going out 3 months and I know that this is the time when many new relationships falter for reasons that weren't brought out at first. And we have another fairly difficult problem that came up a month ago too.

We began as an active couple and I stress my high activity level in my profile. I check the "Don't own a TV" box even though I do have one-it's seldom on, except when the guy is here. I also was clear on my being active and not watching active people on television...all in all I felt my personal preferences about activity was truthfully stated. My steady said he wasn't really active but wanted to become more active, just as he said he wanted to eat healthier.

I am just a bit taken back by the change-it's not a deal breaker and I'm happy to continue to go out by myself, but he isn't happy to be left at home when I do.

:::sighs::::
 
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