The Kind Man and the Nice Guy in Relationships.


Reply
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
justme27 is offline justme27 Post #1  March 6,2010, 4:23pm
justme27's Avatar

There I put up a darn avatar is everyone happy! T.S. Eliot very pretentious

Veteran

Joined: Feb 2009

Somewhere in that crazy place for all the crazy people called California

Posts: 1,067

See profile

Last weeks therapy session was rather ground breaking but my therapist and I did not have the time to really explore this issue. She hinted at it but we never got to develop at that session. I will see her this week and I want to explore it more. However, here is what I know so far or I think I know. Maybe, some of you can shed light on this.

My therapist pointed out that I am a "kind man" and distinguished that from a "nice guy." She pointed out from her experience with me and from her observing my interaction with the receptionist and other patients that I was genuinely a kind man. However, she is wary of the part of me that is the "nice guy."

"The nice guy," is afraid to express negative emotions for some reason. Maybe there is something disingenuous about this person, maybe it is a facade. That "nice guy" is not deserving of respect.

However, the "kind man," is deserving of respect and is genuine.

That's the most that I have so far because we were not able to work it through in time.

I post this in relationships because there have been threads in the past about girls not liking the, "nice guy." I'm trying excavate the idea so that I can figure out to what extent that is true. So far, my therapist holds this to be true in her experience. However, it is true to the extent that there is a positive counter-part to the "nice guy" and that is the "kind man," which women do love and appreciate.

Any thoughts?
 
  Reply With Quote
nightling is offline nightling Post #2  March 6,2010, 4:38pm
nightling's Avatar

all I'll leave are smoke rings in the dark.

Power Poster

Joined: Sep 2009

Misery

Posts: 6,943

See profile

The "nice" guy she's talking about is faked. He can't be intimate with a woman bc he can't discuss negative emotions in a constructive way. He's avoiding conflict in doing that, but he's also avoiding a real relationship in which he himself is a real boy.

If you want real intimacy, you have to learn to handle negative emotions as the kind person does. Being genuine and respectful, but still discussing yer real emotions.

Just my take on it, Justme.
 
  Reply With Quote
storyteller123 is offline storyteller123 Post #3  March 6,2010, 5:14pm
storyteller12…'s Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Jan 2010

Illinois

Posts: 61

See profile

This is a revelation.
I think my former husband and former boyfriend were both nice guys but neither were kind men.
 
  Reply With Quote
PR_Princess is offline PR_Princess Post #4  March 6,2010, 5:34pm
PR_Princess's Avatar

Fly like an eagle...Let my spirit carry me

Enthusiast

Joined: Jun 2009

Posts: 685

See profile

Nightling really hit the nail on the head....my perspective on the subject....

At work I am the "nice girl" often times with aggressive/abrasive co-workers and difficult clients/people. It's a persona that takes a lot of energy to maintain and some downtime at home to shake off because if we said/acted out everything we had in our mind about these people we would most likely not have a job and frequent conflicts with the people we have to work with day in and day out...not much would be accomplished. Besides, a disarmingly charming smile really wreaks havoc with a co-worker(s) who are out to push your buttons and ruin your day . It's nice when I can once in a while be the "kind woman" to the co-workers/clients who I have a genuine and healthy connection with (that smile comes purely from within with all the radiance and good intentions that inspired it)

At home the "kind woman" let's her hair down and doesn't always say or do what you would like her to say and do....she may get mad or yell about a situation and may have to make decisions that don't make everyone happy but benefit the family unit as a whole. The "kind woman" is also quick to apologize when a boundary has been crossed which we can usually blame on "low blood sugar" or "hormones" as we see fit The "kind woman" is open to discussion, fresh ideas, and constructive criticism. At the end of the day...the kind woman at times is not always the nicest person to be around but she genuinely loves and cares about those around her to take an active interest in their lives.
 
  Reply With Quote
robv_la is offline robv_la Post #5  March 6,2010, 8:23pm
robv_la's Avatar

Looking forward to another snow season

Veteran

Joined: Aug 2008

Long Beach, CA

Posts: 1,333

See profile

What I consider useful is looking at being real, not the kind guy, nice guy, bad boy, smart guy, proud man...just real.

Real and honest to myself, who I am and how I feel. Accepting all that I am and building my self confidence, without falling prey to pride or egotism.
 
  Reply With Quote
tequilamockingbird is offline tequilamockingbird Post #6  March 6,2010, 9:04pm
tequilamockin…'s Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Nov 2009

Posts: 45

See profile

In my opinion, the difference between a 'kind man' and a 'nice guy' lies in the motivation behind their actions. The 'nice guy' acts out of selfish reasons; he behaves the way he does because he thinks it will make people like him, or will make them do what he wants (or because he thinks that if he isn't 'nice,' he won't get what he wants). When being 'nice' doesn't get the results he feels entitled to, he feels cheated, blames other people and contemplates becoming a 'jerk.' It quickly becomes apparent that if treating people badly will get him what he wants, then he's all for it.

The 'kind man' acts out of genuine compassion for other people, thinking about their well-being instead of how it will benefit himself. He doesn't turn up here complaining about how being 'nice' doesn't get him the results he wants, because his actions were never born out of a 'what's in it for me?' mentality.

One can be sweet, the other can be manipulative and off-putting. Then again, both characteristics can be embodied in the same person (man or woman), and it can get extra-complicated when you throw 'jerks' into the mixture.

...Or maybe I'm entirely wrong about all of it. It's late.
 
  Reply With Quote
justme27 is offline justme27 Post #7  March 7,2010, 7:25am
justme27's Avatar

There I put up a darn avatar is everyone happy! T.S. Eliot very pretentious

Veteran

Joined: Feb 2009

Somewhere in that crazy place for all the crazy people called California

Posts: 1,067

See profile

I have read all the comments, but I haven't commented yet because my therapist and I were not able to flesh out the idea. As soon as I see her again, I will focus on it and get back to everyone. I think there is a little bit of truth to what everyone has written nightling, PR_Princess, Tequila...etc.
 
  Reply With Quote
tequilamockingbird is offline tequilamockingbird Post #8  March 7,2010, 9:52am
tequilamockin…'s Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Nov 2009

Posts: 45

See profile

On rereading, I realized just how cynical I made 'nice guys' sound. While there are people who fall under that description, there are also plenty of people who just want someone to love them and are hurt and confused when 'being nice' doesn't work. Apologies, nice guys.

I still think that there is an important difference between 'doing something to make someone happy' and 'doing something to make someone happy with you,' even when the 'something' in question is the same basic action.

Justme, thank you for starting this thread. I hope your therapist has some good answers to add to it!
 
  Reply With Quote
mrflyer is offline mrflyer Post #9  March 7,2010, 12:44pm
mrflyer's Avatar

Virtuoso

Joined: Dec 2009

my computer

Posts: 2,948

See profile

tequilamockingbird wrote :
In my opinion, the difference between a 'kind man' and a 'nice guy' lies in the motivation behind their actions. The 'nice guy' acts out of selfish reasons; he behaves the way he does because he thinks it will make people like him, or will make them do what he wants (or because he thinks that if he isn't 'nice,' he won't get what he wants).
That's not the case with the ones I've known. They were generally nice people, but the problem was that they weren't assertive when it came to things like asking a woman out, making a physical move, or standing up for themselves. That was usually due to shyness or social awkwardness, not an attempt to manipulate someone. Then they conclude that being nice didn't work, so maybe they should try being jerks.

BTW most of what we all do is for selfish reasons. That is how living things survive. The problem is that the word "selfish" has gotten a bad rap from those who don't understand this concept.
 
  Reply With Quote
peg099 is offline peg099 Post #10  March 7,2010, 1:55pm
peg099's Avatar

Sage

Joined: Sep 2008

Canada

Posts: 12,516

See profile

tequilamockingbird wrote :
In my opinion, the difference between a 'kind man' and a 'nice guy' lies in the motivation behind their actions. The 'nice guy' acts out of selfish reasons; he behaves the way he does because he thinks it will make people like him, or will make them do what he wants (or because he thinks that if he isn't 'nice,' he won't get what he wants). When being 'nice' doesn't get the results he feels entitled to, he feels cheated, blames other people and contemplates becoming a 'jerk.' It quickly becomes apparent that if treating people badly will get him what he wants, then he's all for it.

The 'kind man' acts out of genuine compassion for other people, thinking about their well-being instead of how it will benefit himself. He doesn't turn up here complaining about how being 'nice' doesn't get him the results he wants, because his actions were never born out of a 'what's in it for me?' mentality.
Precisely!
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« we broke up but still talk | Relationships | Help. How weird is this? »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“ ^This is the better plan.. My experience has been that love usually comes along when you least expect it, and when your heart is open enough to let it in. If you try to put a set time table on when ... ” –  TheThinker

Join the “Transition from dating to relationship” discussion

“ As Ingy mentions ...he's good with the lines and multitasking relationships.. All anyone can say is: don't get played again...especially by the same guy twice... Move on to someone who is decisive ... ” –  lynntlb78

Join the “Reuniting with EX” discussion

“This varies based on your age, gender, location, settings, and 29 dimensions. My settings are fairly narrow and I've always gotten a steady stream of matches. But, my location seems to have a lot ... ” –  dmi

Join the “Different Strategy” discussion

“I'm extremely allergic to cats, plus I just don't like 'em. So I won't date someone with cats. Dogs, I love. But I'm attracted to certain types of dogs. A guy with a little yorkie turns me off. ... ” –  ZisaGirl

Join the “What about a "PET BOX" ?? again this sounds simple or??” discussion

“If you get the opportunity, yes.” –  ThePriestess

Join the “Should I ever date in college?” discussion

“...and since you're Shaun Cassidy fan mitchell...this song is just for you! "Da Doo Ron Ron" I met her on a Monday And my heart stood still Da doo ron ron ron Da doo ron ron Somebody told me That ... ” –  legend29

Join the “Robin Gibbs Dead at 62...How Deep is Your Love?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 9:25am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0