How do I conduct a romantic relationship if I'm not willing to have sex before marriage?


Reply
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
SingleStar79 is offline SingleStar79 Post #1  February 26,2010, 1:08pm
SingleStar79's Avatar

Joined: Feb 2010

Posts: 1

See profile

I am a 30 year old single woman looking for love in obviously all the wrong places--or so I've been told--or at the wrong time. I've dated three men in the past 7 years and even though the relationships went the distance, they never resulted in a proposal or marriage and from what the great guru Dr. Laura told me--I called her show--the problem is with me and I'm in denial and just want to be a victim. My friends also think the problem is with me.

The issue is this: It is my intention to wait until marriage to have sex with anyone; however, I am well aware that this severely limits available prospects and it is often the dealbreaker for my relationships.

Well, I follwed Dr. Laura's advice and called the men I formerly dated and bluntly asked them why we didn't get engaged and why they invested so much time in a relationship they felt or even knew was going nowhere. Well, I got the harsh, bitter truth from them; I learned that even though we were dating, I was the only was who was waiting. They were still sleeping with other women because sex wasn't forthcoming from me. One guy told me he was terrified of ending up in a sexless marriage with me; if we weren't having sex now, who was to say things would change? It was a chance he wasn't willing to take, so he decided to call things off after a year and he met someone else he could have sex with. The other guy told me he really tried the whole abstinence thing, but for a man who was used to getting sex in his previous relationships, he couldn't bear to go without it, so he began seeing another woman in the cities he traveled to when he was on business; he felt that it would be easier if the woman was in a different city. He swore he cared about me and he loved me, but he found my stance and views difficult to accept and it felt more like I was being selfish and stingy with my body, not like I wanted to wait.

Well, that hurt and cut into me deep. I realize my views--my friends think I should go ahead and have sex and I stand my ground--are foreign and strange to a lot of men and I can't compete with sexually available women. What do I need to do?

What am I doing wrong?

*I should mention that I am not religious, so that isn't a viable option for me.
 
  Reply With Quote
Iconography is offline Iconography Post #2  February 26,2010, 3:43pm
Iconography's Avatar

got her own goat!

Veteran

Joined: Aug 2009

Posts: 1,182

See profile

You aren't doing anything wrong except not finding men who are compatible with your beliefs.

Once upon a time I shared your beliefs. (And like you, I am not religious; I am an atheist.) Due to my own peculiar circumstances, I never had to worry about the temptation of sex before marriage because I didn't date. But sometime in my mid 20s I realized, through my observation of others, discussions with others, and realization of things about myself, that sexual compatibility was too important in a relationship to leave that to chance discovery after marriage. So I changed my mind. I would have sex before marriage (possibly even before proposal of marriage), but only with a man I thought I probably could marry, in order to determine whether or not we were "right" for each other in bed.

I still never had to contemplate actually taking action on this subject for another two decades however... until, in fact, earlier this month.

As I see it, you have two options: stick to your guns and try harder to find a man who feels the same way (they are rare but they are out there) or... change your mind. But don't change your mind for the wrong reasons. Don't change it for negative reasons, but for positive ones and because you truly want to.

Maybe others will have additional options, but in any case, I wish you luck, Singlestar.
 
  Reply With Quote
D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #3  February 26,2010, 3:50pm
D_Lion's Avatar

- Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

Sage

Joined: Aug 2008

Posts: 31,680

See profile

Most people have sex prior to marriage, so you are chasing a finite pool of men.

In addition, people of such persuasion tend to be starkly religious, and they tend to marry young.

As a woman who is neither young nor religious, what, exactly, do you bring to the table? Big income and killer sense of humor?

(Kidding, kinda sorta, but, as you stated, men are lined up none deep to sign on for this.)

Now, to answer your question, the bad option is to look for men with low sex drive (all but ensuring a boring, sexless marriage.)

The good option is to fashoin yourself into a flawless, ideal partner; to embody the qualities a man wants in a wife, such that he will choose to marry without delay.

I think most people will fail, but good luck if you try.
 
  Reply With Quote
Iconography is offline Iconography Post #4  February 26,2010, 3:58pm
Iconography's Avatar

got her own goat!

Veteran

Joined: Aug 2009

Posts: 1,182

See profile

D_Lion wrote :
The good option is to fashion yourself into a flawless, ideal partner; to embody the qualities a man wants in a wife, such that he will choose to marry without delay.
Won't the vastly overwhelming majority of men still want to know, without doubt, beforehand about the sexual aspect of such a female paragon?

(This is sort of the situation I am in with my match. I am absolutely no paragon, but I bring to the table a number of unique traits that he's not ever found before and has been searching for. Lack of sex--at the moment there is a medical issue--is the barrier between our having a relationship, as opposed to mere friendship.)
Last edited by Iconography; February 26,2010 at 4:01pm. Reason: needed an adjectival form, if you really must know
 
  Reply With Quote
PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #5  February 26,2010, 4:07pm

Unregistered

Joined: Oct 2009

Posts: 6,908

See profile

SingleStar79 wrote :
I am a 30 year old single woman looking for love in obviously all the wrong places--or so I've been told--or at the wrong time. I've dated three men in the past 7 years and even though the relationships went the distance, they never resulted in a proposal or marriage and from what the great guru Dr. Laura told me--I called her show--the problem is with me and I'm in denial and just want to be a victim. My friends also think the problem is with me.

The issue is this: It is my intention to wait until marriage to have sex with anyone; however, I am well aware that this severely limits available prospects and it is often the dealbreaker for my relationships.

Well, I follwed Dr. Laura's advice and called the men I formerly dated and bluntly asked them why we didn't get engaged and why they invested so much time in a relationship they felt or even knew was going nowhere. Well, I got the harsh, bitter truth from them; I learned that even though we were dating, I was the only was who was waiting. They were still sleeping with other women because sex wasn't forthcoming from me. One guy told me he was terrified of ending up in a sexless marriage with me; if we weren't having sex now, who was to say things would change? It was a chance he wasn't willing to take, so he decided to call things off after a year and he met someone else he could have sex with. The other guy told me he really tried the whole abstinence thing, but for a man who was used to getting sex in his previous relationships, he couldn't bear to go without it, so he began seeing another woman in the cities he traveled to when he was on business; he felt that it would be easier if the woman was in a different city. He swore he cared about me and he loved me, but he found my stance and views difficult to accept and it felt more like I was being selfish and stingy with my body, not like I wanted to wait.

Well, that hurt and cut into me deep. I realize my views--my friends think I should go ahead and have sex and I stand my ground--are foreign and strange to a lot of men and I can't compete with sexually available women. What do I need to do?

What am I doing wrong?

*I should mention that I am not religious, so that isn't a viable option for me.
I am sorry to hear that you're in this predicament...so since you mention about the non-religious background, then you just have to stand strong and to continue the search to find somebody who has similar values as yours.

I personally think your friend is a bit harsh on you if they call it a 'problem'. Your body is yours...and you have every right to not want to have premarital sex. What's the point of 'giving in' to have sex with a guy so that you can be more in the 'level playing field' with sexually available women...then in that case you might not really enjoy it because you're forced to.

The key is IF you decided to change your mind about this...make sure that you are at peace with it and not because you feel you have no other choices.

But I will also suggest that you spend a lot of time again thinking about your decision to not have sex before marriage (since you mention about the non-religious background), where it's coming from, etc...

I truly believe also you CAN conduct a romantic relationship without the sex, it's just much tougher to find somebody who shares the same beliefs....it's very difficult, but it's NOT impossible.

Good luck!
 
  Reply With Quote
yoga_gal is offline yoga_gal Post #6  February 26,2010, 4:11pm
yoga_gal's Avatar

Virtuoso

Joined: Nov 2008

Posts: 4,782

See profile

[QUOTE=D_Lion;901051]Most people have sex prior to marriage, so you are chasing a finite pool of men.

In addition, people of such persuasion tend to be starkly religious, and they tend to marry young.


This is true Dlion. I am sure you have thought of this OP. Perhaps you could tell us why you believe why you do about sex in order for us to help you. I am not trying to turn this into a thread about pre-marital sex but I am trying to come up with which males may feel the same or that would understand your POV.

I don't think it is impossible just that you have a smaller pool to draw from.
 
  Reply With Quote
Nanette is offline Nanette Post #7  February 26,2010, 4:15pm
Nanette's Avatar

~ giving gentle smack-downs... vewy vewy gentle

Power Poster

Joined: Jun 2008

Posts: 7,451

See profile

D_Lion wrote :

The good option is to fashoin yourself into a flawless, ideal partner; to embody the qualities a man wants in a wife, such that he will choose to marry without delay.

.
So you will accept less because they are having sex with you? I dont see why she would have to be any more "perfect" than anyone else.

OP, you have to meet a lot of men to find the ones that are truly accepting and that like you. They need to like you enough to be willing to wait, and evidently those men weren't.

Their reasons lacked substance (a sexless marriage? come on!) and you have to remember that it's not likely that any of them will be happy with waiting, but they will have to think that you are worth waiting for.

Whatever direction you decide to go from here good luck.
 
  Reply With Quote
mrflyer is offline mrflyer Post #8  February 26,2010, 4:20pm
mrflyer's Avatar

Virtuoso

Joined: Dec 2009

my computer

Posts: 2,948

See profile

SingleStar79 wrote :
*I should mention that I am not religious, so that isn't a viable option for me.
This is unusual, considering the topic of the thread. Does that mean you don't want to date men who are religious? Most of those who would agree with you in this area are going to be religious... good luck.

It's like being a man who wants a relationship but isn't willing to spend any money on dates or take women out.
 
  Reply With Quote
D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #9  February 26,2010, 4:31pm
D_Lion's Avatar

- Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

Sage

Joined: Aug 2008

Posts: 31,680

See profile

Iconography wrote :
Won't the vastly overwhelming majority of men still want to know, without doubt, beforehand about the sexual aspect of such a female paragon?

Probably. But, what is left?

I don't take risk without reward. A woman who would impose upon me risk, must offer reward.

It is not I who will cry that the marriage is annulled.
 
  Reply With Quote
Iconography is offline Iconography Post #10  February 26,2010, 4:39pm
Iconography's Avatar

got her own goat!

Veteran

Joined: Aug 2009

Posts: 1,182

See profile

Oh, I agree with you, Froggy! But that post seemed to be suggesting that becoming a flawless, ideal partner (which, granted, is impossible!) would obviate the need for premarital sex.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« "OK and even Wise" or "In Spirit of "the Photo of the Boat and Motor" | Relationships | Expectations of Improving Financial Situation »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
6.5yr Relationship..lies..what to do? GabbieChanel Relationships 13 July 3,2010 11:58am
Romantic relationships and different forms of intimacy jayjay Dating 82 February 5,2010 9:58pm
Micro marriage Fleuellen Relationships 0 November 12,2009 2:48am
what are the best books on christian relationship ( dating, courtship, engagement and marriage) that you have read? loveandharmony Christian Singles 13 October 30,2009 7:57pm
How to fix a broken marriage while I still can? sadandconfused Relationships 38 June 7,2009 8:02am

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“ ^This is the better plan.. My experience has been that love usually comes along when you least expect it, and when your heart is open enough to let it in. If you try to put a set time table on when ... ” –  TheThinker

Join the “Transition from dating to relationship” discussion

“ As Ingy mentions ...he's good with the lines and multitasking relationships.. All anyone can say is: don't get played again...especially by the same guy twice... Move on to someone who is decisive ... ” –  lynntlb78

Join the “Reuniting with EX” discussion

“This varies based on your age, gender, location, settings, and 29 dimensions. My settings are fairly narrow and I've always gotten a steady stream of matches. But, my location seems to have a lot ... ” –  dmi

Join the “Different Strategy” discussion

“I'm extremely allergic to cats, plus I just don't like 'em. So I won't date someone with cats. Dogs, I love. But I'm attracted to certain types of dogs. A guy with a little yorkie turns me off. ... ” –  ZisaGirl

Join the “What about a "PET BOX" ?? again this sounds simple or??” discussion

“If you get the opportunity, yes.” –  ThePriestess

Join the “Should I ever date in college?” discussion

“...and since you're Shaun Cassidy fan mitchell...this song is just for you! "Da Doo Ron Ron" I met her on a Monday And my heart stood still Da doo ron ron ron Da doo ron ron Somebody told me That ... ” –  legend29

Join the “Robin Gibbs Dead at 62...How Deep is Your Love?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 9:23am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0