gothustartus is offline gothustartus Post #1  January 24,2010, 1:03am
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Ok, so i am prepared to put a lot of effort into dating, but at the same time i've often made statements about some things being too much work, in conversation i've had that pointed out as an inconsistency. I've done a bit of thinking about this and come to the conclusion that it's all down to that same old argument about emotional relationships versus intellectual ones, being in love with someone versus being in a contractual relationship of requirements and resources.

When i really click with someone i'll put a lot of effort into the relationship without even thinking about it because it doesn't seem like effort, the things i am doing are things i want to do, they don't register as going out of my way to do something nice or special because i'm not thinking of them in terms of returns expected versus effort expended, something nice occurs to me so i do it because it popped into my head not because i thought i should or that it would score points.
When i don't really click with someone the same effort will seem like a lot of work because i don't really want to do it. I have to think about nice things to do and am conscious of doing them as an obligation, a requirement of the relationship.

Don't get me wrong, i'm not dissing people who aren't spontaneous, not everyone is or wants to be, this is just my own little definition of how i behave in relationships.

With the mother of my son i put a lot of work into the relationship because it needed a lot of work, we shouldn't really have been together because we just weren't suited to each other, but i was trying to make a go of it because i was trying to be responsible and less of a flake. Late thirties and only ever been in one really serious relationship, what's wrong with you man?
With my last relationship i was conscious of how much work was involved in dealing with her insecurities and neediness, and that in the final analysis it was work i didn't really want to do, but again i was trying to make a go of it when i should have just been walking away.
My one and only really serious relationship involved no work at all, nothing seemed like too much effort. Some friends have pointed out that maybe i never got past that breakup, that i'm constantly measuring new relationships against it. Maybe that's true to some degree, but then isn't that human nature? What's wrong with having a golden age to remember fondly as long as you take each new relationship on its own merits and aren't forcing each new person into that old mold?

I was just curious about what lines other people draw as too much work, or even if they do, because as time goes on the notion that i'm a freak becomes more and more compelling.
 
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Cindie is offline Cindie Post #2  January 24,2010, 1:37am
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Relationships do take work. But they shouldn't be intellectual vs. emotional, good relationships include both. As for how much work and you feel about doing it, it's simple, it should bring you joy. If you keep doing nice things for people you don't enjoy or out of feeling obligated your sending the wrong message. Your saying you like them and want to keep seeing them. You need to learn when to call it a day and be on your way.
 
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atrueromantic is offline atrueromantic Post #3  January 24,2010, 4:19am
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In my book the best relationships do not seem like work at all even though every relationship requires work. If it seems like too much work, then for me it is a sign that it is time to move on despite what may appear to be a great emotional/intellectual connection. Too much work on my part indicates a sign of disinterestedness on the part of my partner.
 
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trixie1868 is offline trixie1868 Post #4  January 24,2010, 5:49am

what the bejeezus is going on round here?!

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I think I'm with you Goth.

If I describe someone as hardwork it's when there's clearly things that need resolving and I've grown disenchanted or simply not that into them to do it with a good heart.

Now my ex was a nightmare, difficult, complicated and changeable for whom I'd have happily walked over hot coals. I was frequently made unhappy and angry by him but never once thought that he was hard "work" and waited patiently for some sort of ephiphany that would sort it all out. Needless to say, it didn't but I never considered that it was too much work.

Stupid, huh?
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #5  January 24,2010, 5:54am
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First, I've never gotten the impression from you are a freak lol. You give very balanced rational answers (except the answers I dont agree with ha ha!) to most things. I miss reading your responses to posts.... you're not posting nearly enough anymore.

Anyway, I think most people take the same attitude that you do in relationships, and that is that whatever you do for that person feels like no effort because you want to do it.

wrote :
My one and only really serious relationship involved no work at all, nothing seemed like too much effort
So, what you are saying here (I think) is that your perception of what *work* is and how much you are putting in is based on the characteristics of the person that you are with?

I think it depends on the thing you are putting in the *work* over whether or not its worth it. Is it a minor personality quirk, or a major thing that makes the relationship unbearable. While one thing (major or minor) might seem like work over time, there will always be things about that person that offset what feels like work. If I were in a perpetual state of thinking that the relationship were painfully laborious and has been consistently so over time, I would start to rethink what I was doing there. If I just occasionally felt mildly annoyed at having to put in extra *work* for something then I would be more likely to weigh that in the balances as just a part of a great relationship with many other more positive things.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #6  January 24,2010, 6:08am
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I like work.

They give me the requests, I give back the results, they give me a check. Makes sense; makes the world run.

In a partner, I think I have the opposite sequence of events from you: I can't be interested in someone until she demonstrates that she is not looking to gain at my expense.
 
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CAnative is offline CAnative Post #7  January 24,2010, 5:51pm
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I think as we all get older we question ourselves from time to time. My mom ran her own business for over 40 years and she always use to say its not work if you love what you do. I think the same goes for relationships. If its right it doesnt seem like work... ya know.
 
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gothustartus is offline gothustartus Post #8  January 24,2010, 9:00pm
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Cindie wrote :
You need to learn when to call it a day and be on your way.
Oh i know when it's over, i just have real trouble putting the boot in because i hate hurting people, i know it hurts more the longer it goes on and that messes with my head.
 
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gothustartus is offline gothustartus Post #9  January 24,2010, 9:02pm
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trixie1868 wrote :
Now my ex was a nightmare, difficult, complicated and changeable for whom I'd have happily walked over hot coals. I was frequently made unhappy and angry by him but never once thought that he was hard "work" and waited patiently for some sort of ephiphany that would sort it all out. Needless to say, it didn't but I never considered that it was too much work.

Stupid, huh?
Mea culpa, that's my big failing, waiting for that thunderbolt even though i know deep down that there's not a cloud in the sky.
 
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richey is offline richey Post #10  January 24,2010, 9:27pm
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I guess I draw the line on "work" based on ~ is the work worth this person for me? Is the relationship worth it? Is the relationship and this person making my life better and I see it making my life better as long as we're together?

Sort of a cost/benefit analysis if you will. As long as the benefits are worth the costs, then it's not too much work.


Richey
 
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