what to do? how can i help him during his time of need?


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sugar_caines is offline sugar_caines Post #1  January 23,2010, 6:14pm
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I've been dating my guy now for over a year, and he had a pretty rough time last year, dealing with a very seriously ill father for the better part of 2009. During this time, he was very withdrawn and stated that he's not used to sharing his problems or burdens with other people, to which i reassured him that I still want to be there for him during this difficult time in his life. It was a bit rough during that time though, because he was very worried about his father, and had to be driving back and forth to the hospital/specialists etc. So that left very little time for us to actually spend together and I would always feel a bit guilty if I did ask him to spend time together, when he had a lot on his plate dealing with his father's illness. Fast forward to present day, his mother suddenly took in ill and passed away unexpectedly a day ago. I found out the news from him via text when I was supposed to drop by to give him an encouragement card for his father. After that I have not heard from him. I'm at a loss at how best to help him during his time of need. I want to do the right thing for him, and I do not know if it's to just offer my support, but also give him time and space to grieve for his loss. I naturally want to be there for him in person to lean on, but I also know him to be a very private person, not always willing to lean on others for help. What should I do? Any suggestions will be appreciated. Thanx!
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #2  January 23,2010, 6:23pm
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You dont say if you are actually in a relationship or just dating on and off? I would guess from your post that it was just on and off when he was free.

If you arent in an official committed exclusive relationship I would just express heartfelt condolences and tell him if he wants anything to please call and then leave him alone and let him include you as much or as little as he wants to from there forward.
 
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Co6aka is online now Co6aka Post #3  January 23,2010, 7:35pm
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Boys generally don't (like to) ask women for help (support) because they (falsely) believe that makes them less of a... boy.

Don't ASK him for anything now; be supportive instead; GIVE. That's what he'll appreciate, or will come to appreciate. Just "be there" as in THERE WITH HIM. Don't ask FROM, do FOR, and the less you "say" the better.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #4  January 24,2010, 6:20am
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I agree with the post from Nanette.

I think the situation depends a lot on what kind of a relationship you have - and what kind you want.

I would guess that he is exclusive - dating someone in a non-exclusive context for a year makes no sense to me, and I do not think it is at all common.

As to whether to help, that also depends on the exact circumstance, your ability / willingness to do so. If this is actually a severe burden on him - such that it is interfering with his employment - then anything you can provide that helps reduce the workload associated with his involvement with his family is likely to be greatly appreciated.

If you see this relationship moving forward, and think he is on the same page, I think more, rather than less, support is right. Further, it is not "emotional support" that is needed or relevant, but practical assistance.
 
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sugar_caines is offline sugar_caines Post #5  January 24,2010, 8:29am
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No it is an exclusive relationship, just as I said, went through some difficult times dealing with his ill father, and therefore not having the time to spend together as I may like. But he would make the effort to see me when he could, if only to help take his mind off his troubles. But I will listen to the advice being given and try to physically be there, if only to just hold his hand and be that shoulder to lean on, or carry food, or help with other arrangements.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #6  January 24,2010, 8:40am
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This is a good topic.

I think people will be interested to see you continue to update us on your experience.

***

I see this as an unexpected but clear opportunity to make progress in your relationship: if he expects a committed partner to provide some sort of family support, that you choose to do so shows you are on the same page regarding something that is for many people a key importance.

Personally, I provided quite a lot of assistance to a partner's parents - albeit in the form of repair of houses / cars, though those are some of mmy skills.
 
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bwit is offline bwit Post #7  January 24,2010, 11:01am
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Sugar, I can see this is a very stressful time for you also. Nanette had good advice. I am wary about the 'private person' aspect. Dr. Neil Clark Warren, you may have heard of him, has written some excellent books and one of the things he stresses is the desire and ability to communicate and be open in both partners. If he won't let you be there in this time of really great need and also be able to talk about it, when will he [most likely never] and what kind of a relationship is this going to be for you ????? Do yourself a BIG favor: "Date or Soul Mate", used copies on Amazondotcom, only $3.
 
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KungFuFtr is offline KungFuFtr Post #8  January 25,2010, 5:11pm
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I agree with Co6aka.

You stated that in the past he was withdrawn because he didn't want to be a burden? Well then, he's not going to ask you for a hug, an ear, a Kleenex or your presence (nor should anyone have to). People grieve in different ways, especially men. Don't wait for an invitation, nor force him to talk about his feelings. Actually being in his presence, silence and listening really are good forms of communication to those who are grieving.

There's nothing wrong with asking if you can visit for a few minutes. The guy has a lot on his plate right now. It just might be a time where you'll have to put some of your needs on temporary hold right now. Perhaps give a little more than take. That's understandable, right?
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #9  January 25,2010, 6:33pm

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When a loved one dies, the grieving person doesn't know what they need-asking What can I do? is not useful because there isn't anything, in the mind of the grieving person, that can be done.

As his girlfriend, why not be proactive now and show that you are available for him. Go to his house and clean for him. Where is the after funeral reception to be held? Go clean there. Tell him you'll make the calls to friends, order flowers and so on. Where is the funeral to be held? Can you call and take care of that?

There is so much that has to be done following a death that its overwhelming for someone in the throws of grief. Plus someone needs to be with his dad..can you do this?

It's a time when, as a girlfriend, you can stand up and take charge, take the weight off his back, and assume some of the many picky little things that have to be done.

Asking him anything just brings more questions to his mind. After a year, surely you know family and friends well enough to be able to step up and be a real help..just do it!
 
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liquid_steel is offline liquid_steel Post #10  November 20,2010, 9:09pm

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sugar_caines wrote :
I've been dating my guy now for over a year, and he had a pretty rough time last year, dealing with a very seriously ill father for the better part of 2009. During this time, he was very withdrawn and stated that he's not used to sharing his problems or burdens with other people, to which i reassured him that I still want to be there for him during this difficult time in his life. It was a bit rough during that time though, because he was very worried about his father, and had to be driving back and forth to the hospital/specialists etc. So that left very little time for us to actually spend together and I would always feel a bit guilty if I did ask him to spend time together, when he had a lot on his plate dealing with his father's illness. Fast forward to present day, his mother suddenly took in ill and passed away unexpectedly a day ago. I found out the news from him via text when I was supposed to drop by to give him an encouragement card for his father. After that I have not heard from him. I'm at a loss at how best to help him during his time of need. I want to do the right thing for him, and I do not know if it's to just offer my support, but also give him time and space to grieve for his loss. I naturally want to be there for him in person to lean on, but I also know him to be a very private person, not always willing to lean on others for help. What should I do? Any suggestions will be appreciated. Thanx!
Help is really only help if the other person wants it, yes?

Once you make the offer, allow the person to accept it...or not.

Multiple offers to help actually may burden a grieving soul with the risk of hurting your feelings. So, let it rest.
 
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