boyfriend and i dont agree on 9 year old daughter


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blue13 is offline blue13 Post #1  January 23,2010, 4:28pm
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I have been dating a man for two years. He and I have been in the same circle for 13 years. He once asked me out but was engaged to be married at the time. I declided the offer and we both eventually married and divorced. In fact we attended each others weddings. He had a daughter with his wife. I decided not to have children with my husband. Some time after the divorces we became a couple although I was hesitant because of his daughter. I have always felt very uneasy around children and I have a hard time around children who are not well behaved. I have a niece and nephew who are very well behaved when they spend time with me, but not so well behaved when they are around their parents. I guess I just expect more out of children. I have always expressed that to my boyfriend and I have never played favoritism with my family over his daughter. My boyfriend spends two weekends a month with his daughter and I have never asked him not to spend that time, but I work alot so I do not get to see her that often. I figure his time with her is more important than her time with me. I see that he feels bad from the divorce and a lack of time that he spent with his divorced parents when he was young. He has been lied to by his daughter and his daughter has given me attitude at times. I have tried to include her on my weekends off and feel like i get more critisizim than praise. I have to be honest here and say I did tell my boyfriend that she was a Bitch out of frustration. He hasnt let that go and that was five months ago and I know I was wrong and did apologize. I have never been mean to his daughter I just ask for respect. If i agree with her mom's desipline I'm a bad person. I feel like I keep hitting a brick wall. We do not agree on disipline, but I love so much about him. When we argue I would say it is generally about her. I know they are a package deal and Im really trying to put forth the effort. Help! ANY IDEAS!
 
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kevin76 is offline kevin76 Post #2  January 24,2010, 11:18am
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I don't have children but have dated someone with children. I love children, I get along well with most of them, and I had issues trying to deal with someone else's kids.

If the two of you can't agree on discipline issues, I expect this will only continue to be a source of stress and argument, and would only get much, much worse after marriage.

If he's really that great otherwise, by all means do your best to work out an agreement. Talk to him about it, and make him understand that if you become his wife you will be her mother, and act as such in the best way you know how.
There will always be problems (especially when she turns into a teenager!) But if you both agree to work together on it, it can work for you. If you don't want to deal with it, get out now for the sake of all of you. You said it yourself, it's a package deal.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #3  January 24,2010, 11:44am
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In my view, you should not compromise on expecting manners from a minor.

By definition, a non-income-producing child is subservient to an income-producing adult.

This applies to all minors, and all adults.

That you seek a relationship, and he ostensibly does so too with you, means it is his burden to explain to the (non-income-producing) minor, that she needs to show respect to his choice of partner. I would demand this.
 
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Icanpickem2 is offline Icanpickem2 Post #4  January 24,2010, 11:55am
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I was in a similiiar situation in the past. Kids can be brutal. Try and remember that she is a hurt and confused kid. Most children of divorce are. Make it clear that you don't want to be her mom, but that you can be friends. An afternoon together doing girly stuff just may bring her around. She is looking for a way to define you in her life, other than " Dad's new girlfriend".
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #5  January 24,2010, 12:01pm
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D_Lion wrote :

By definition, a non-income-producing child is subservient to an income-producing adult.

.
I'm sorry but this made me laugh SO loud!
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #6  January 24,2010, 12:07pm

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I's the dads responsibility to teach his child appropriate behavior.

If he is going to only side with the child and against you, I'm afraid your time together will be stressful and unenjoyable..and as the child gets older and becomes a teen things may just get worse.

If his daughter has been allowed to disrespect you with no consequences you're in a no win situation.

I dated infrequently when my children were young because it was confusing to them and I decided my role was that of parent first and single woman second. Your guy may come to the same conclusion-

Eventually I delayed marriage until my youngest was 17..I was in a relationship but we didn't marry for several years because he had never had children and didn't know at that time how to deal with them.

As time passed and my children grew up, my husband became very close to them and when he passed away 20 years later he was called Dad and Grandpa.
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #7  January 24,2010, 12:14pm

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I want to know how you got the B-word past the filters, lol.
 
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kevin76 is offline kevin76 Post #8  January 24,2010, 12:22pm
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Icanpickem2 wrote :
I was in a similiiar situation in the past. Kids can be brutal. Try and remember that she is a hurt and confused kid. Most children of divorce are. Make it clear that you don't want to be her mom, but that you can be friends. An afternoon together doing girly stuff just may bring her around. She is looking for a way to define you in her life, other than " Dad's new girlfriend".

I must respectfully but vehemenantly disagree with this.
The one thing you do NOT want to be is her 'friend.'
NOTE: that doesn't mean you can't be friendly. But if you're going to be a parent, be a parent. Try to be her friend and you will lose her respect and her obedience as a daughter, should you go through with this relationship. You're an adult, not a nine-year-old girl. She needs to learn to see you as an adult.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #9  January 24,2010, 12:23pm
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Nanette wrote :
I'm sorry but this made me laugh SO loud!

Did it send your beverage of choice through your nose?
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #10  January 24,2010, 12:37pm
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D_Lion wrote :
Did it send your beverage of choice through your nose?
no beverage atm.

now scarletts post is killing me lol. too funny!
 
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