Want to get back with GF after 1 year apart. Need advice...


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Holdyourcolor is offline Holdyourcolor Post #1  January 9,2010, 11:59pm
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I've been looking for the perfect site to ask for this sort of advice...and I like what I have read so far in other posts. So here goes:

Me and my ex. have been apart for about 1 year now (broke up Nov. 2008). We went out for about 5 years, which we lived together for 2 of those years (the relationship started going downhill little by little after we moved in as we saw our true differences) During our year apart, we both had a very tough time figuring out how to cope (this was the first serious relationship for both of us, and lost our virginity to each other). So in order to cope, we were still seeing each other as "friends with benefits" about once or twice a month, which I know is not good. We stopped last month, and agreed to be regular friends. Several times within that year of separation, there was much confusion from both of us- at times she wanted to get back together, at other times not. Same with me. The reason we sometimes said that we shouldn't was because we are very different people in many respects, and couldn't compromise on our biggest issues. We brought the same issues up time and time again during our year apart to see if we can still make it work, but are still not solved. But something inside me tells me that we can still make it work. Here are some key differences between us, and the biggest issues we couldn't compromise on, which will naturally reveal how different we are:

I am a chill, laidback, patient, non-risk taking, not-into-the-party-scene shy guy. I hardly drink, I don't do any kind of drugs. Basically, I'm what some call a "good" guy.

She is the life of the party type of person. She likes to get drunk at parties, smoke weed, and be extremely social. Not patient, and often wants things her way.

Here's our main issues:

1. One of the biggest issues I have is her smoking weed. She only smokes about 5 times a year or so. In order to convince her to stop, I brought up the health implications, but she simply blew them off, as doing it several times a year won't cause much health problems, if any. With that said, the reason I still don't like her smoking it is because it's illegal. And as a good BF, I don't want her to get in trouble. But she says that she'd only do it at home where it's safe. She also said she gets it from medical marijuana dispensaries (from friends), so that adds to the safety factor. So I'm stuck on this issue. I feel that I absolutely can't stand her smoking it, but I'm trying hard to be a bit more open minded. But at the same time, I feel that if she really wanted to be with me, she would stop. But then again, if I really wanted to be with her, I would let her do it. Perhaps someone can give me pointers.

2. She gets REALLY drunk at parties. She doesn't party often. Maybe once a month, but when it happens, I need to keep a good eye on her. As I said, she's a very social person (opposite of me). It gets to the point where she's getting touchy touchy with other guys. Not in questionable areas though. And this bothers me. I don't think I'm insecure though. The reason I'm uncomfortable is because drunk people often make irrational choices. So she may end up cheating on me while drunk, or overpowered by a guy. Another thing, when we were together and she was too drunk, I'd tell her "no more drinks", but comes back saying that I shouldn't limit her, I'm not her boss, and insists that she'll do what she wants. I guess the key here is for her to not get to being 'drunk'. But then again, I don't know how to solve this issue.

3. She assumes that I'm a mind-reader, and gets upset over small things. For example, one time we went out at night. I took my sweater, but she forgot hers. She got upset because I never reminded her to get her sweater. The thing is, I would. But people forget things. I sincerely forgot and didn't do it on purpose.

4. Since I'm a quiet-shy type of guy, she expects me to speak up (as she does) for myself if something is not quite right. The thing is, this is how I am, and I'm OK with it. But she says it's not OK and I should not let people take advantage of me. When I'm in a situation where it calls for me to be patient, she gets impatient with me and says she'd do it herself. As an example, we went to Costco and the lines were out of control at the food court. There was one guy announcing people's order numbers. I had waited about 7-10 mins for my order to be called (which was just a churro). She got impatient, took the receipt from me, and went straight for the guy and asked him if the order was ready.

If you got to here, I thank you for reading. I seriously have no idea what to do. I wanna get back, but sometimes I feel our problems won't be solved, or that we are fundamentally too different. She lives alone, so I thought of the idea that if she agrees, I can "live" in her apartment say for a certain period of time and see how we get along now as a test. I don't want to make the mistake again of moving in, then having to break up and move out.

I don't want to make it sound that our relationship was horrible. When we were both happy, we were REALLY happy and we both truly, genuinely loved each other and loved spending time with each other. We made future plans and such.
Last edited by Holdyourcolor; January 10,2010 at 12:20am. Reason: added more details.
 
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lil_lamb is offline lil_lamb Post #2  January 10,2010, 12:37am
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you guys are really different. my parents were really different, but they were both committed to home and children and so their marriage lasted. and although it was a grand romance, it was also very rough for them. you'd have to be able to take that kind of strife until you found yourselves.

i think i'll add, i wouldn't frame things in terms of "good person" or "bad person." 'cuz, like, you know, her weed and your lack of boldness are equally total turnoffs. take these things as personality differences, if you want a personal relationship. otherwise, you're just objects to each other.
 
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Fleuellen is offline Fleuellen Post #3  January 10,2010, 5:37am
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The answer is you can't go back to the relationship; not how it was. That's long gone. Perhaps you can reinvent things, change and develop. But you both have to do that. I didn't hear a word as to what she may want to do. To put it another way, if "you" go back to her, it'll always be on her terms. That just isn't going to work in the longer term. Sorry to break it to you. But it's a year. MOVE ON.
 
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Holdyourcolor is offline Holdyourcolor Post #4  January 10,2010, 9:18am
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lil_lamb wrote :
you guys are really different. my parents were really different, but they were both committed to home and children and so their marriage lasted. and although it was a grand romance, it was also very rough for them. you'd have to be able to take that kind of strife until you found yourselves.

i think i'll add, i wouldn't frame things in terms of "good person" or "bad person." 'cuz, like, you know, her weed and your lack of boldness are equally total turnoffs. take these things as personality differences, if you want a personal relationship. otherwise, you're just objects to each other.
Oh yeah, I didn't mean "good" objectively or something to be desired. It's more like a figure of speech if you will. People that don't drink, do drugs, etc. are usually labeled as a "good" guy or girl.

But anyway, I'm in open comm. with someone right now, all going very very well. So my instinct says to just let the ex. go and see where me and my match go. I guess I just need to be reassured that I'm doing the best thing for me, based on what I have said in the OP.
 
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qt_py is offline qt_py Post #5  January 10,2010, 9:56am

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Your ex sounds like a loser. You're better off finding someone else.

I'm not sure why you want to be around people who smoke marijuana.
 
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DanceMama is offline DanceMama Post #6  January 10,2010, 10:47am
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I'm trying to figure out why you are considering getting back with the ex if you had such big issues and you have someone who you are dating without such issues. I'm honestly confused.

Assuming I'm reading everything correctly, I'd say stay away from the ex. It sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do. A part of me is concerned for her and perhaps that is why you still feel a need to stay connected. People that get drunk or high can put themselves in very bad situations. Perhaps a part of you wants to protect her because you still care about her. She needs to take care of herself. Let her know that you do care about her and that if these behaviors ever change, you'd love to hear from her, but that in the meantime, rip the bandaid off...I hate to say it, but it sounds like what is best.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #7  January 11,2010, 2:59am
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Which one of you has changed the "way you are" so that you have even a reasonable expectation of it working this next time?

wrote :
So in order to cope, we were still seeing each other as "friends with benefits" about once or twice a month, which I know is not good. We stopped last month, and agreed to be regular friends.
For the record, you didn't 'break up' a year ago ...you just changed the dynamics of your 'relationship'.

Honestly, I don't see this working out for you (the reconciliation or the "regular friends").

You need to let her go, and she needs to let you go ...that's what grown ups do. It's going to hurt like crazy and it's not going to be easy, but I don't see a middle ground here.
 
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MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #8  January 11,2010, 6:08am
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I agree with BikerBeagle--you haven't made the clean break necessary to move on and you are using each other like a crutch. I don't think this can work and you need to stop seeing each other for a while. You can try to be friends maybe in several months or so after you process the breakup and not confuse things by getting physical. Rip off the Bandaid already!

The reason why I say from your post that you can't make this work are that the differences are too big, and they all require HER changing from your point of view really.

The opinion you have these issues comes across to me in the following way:

For #1 and #2, it seems that you find her behavior to be immoral. She is wrong and must change. You don't see any fun in her getting drunk or high, so you are always going to look down on that behavior, even if you tolerate it, and you are not going to be trusting of her if she is partying without you around to keep an eye on her.

For #3 and #4, she is clearly in the wrong because she expects you to be a mind reader and is impatient of your laid back personality.

You can't change her, you can only change yourself, and I don't think you are willing to move from the "good" guy stance to accept certain behaviors from her. Nor should you. You are different people, but you are both young and somewhat immature. Growing up means moving on to different relationships and learning from each as you go along. Stop clinging to this one that isn't going to work. It's possible that one day, she'll grow up and leave the partying behind her, but that may be years away.
 
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Holdyourcolor is offline Holdyourcolor Post #9  January 11,2010, 10:18am
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BikerBeagle-

Quite honestly, based on the OP, don't you think she's the one that should be changing? If I should change anything, it's to be "less patient" if you will- meaning if something doesn't happen within a reasonable amount of time, make it happen. Don't wait around. As for your comment about us changing our dynamics- I think you're getting too technical. By breaking up I meant that we had no intention to get back together after separating, but we were using each other for coping.

She says she's "changed". I don't know what she meant by that. I told her that changing isn't what matters. It's about changing for the better regarding issues we had. That's what's important. I realized that she had not changed for the better (for me) as I was invited to her party the other day. Still the same person- getting drunk and high and out of control. She surely hasn't changed for the better in my book. Just for kicks, here are some things I've learned from our relationship:

1. Don't take your SO for granted. Appreciate everything they do for you, even though they try and fail. It's the thought that counts.

2. Don't assume. If your SO has done something to upset you, ask for clarification first as communication is subjective and taken differently be each. Some situations may not be as they seem.

3. Don't bother trying to change a person in regards to their fundamental personality. This will probably never change. But smaller things are possible.

I have given deep thought and based on your comments you all are absolutely right- I don't deserve to be with a person like that. But now the question is- can we be friends? We both want to remain good friends. I've been telling myself that I will never be around her in a "party" situation as a friend. But I don't see anything wrong with doing more mellow things where I'd be comfortable. Perhaps I should cut all ties with her for a few months as well to make sure any feelings for her disappear and to give me a chance to find a new relationship? Any thoughts?
Last edited by Holdyourcolor; January 11,2010 at 10:30am.
 
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DanceMama is offline DanceMama Post #10  January 11,2010, 10:26am
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Holdyourcolor wrote :
Perhaps I should cut all ties with her for a few months as well to make sure any feelings for her disappear and to give me a chance to find a new relationship? Any thoughts?
Exactly, aside from the new relationship part. It kind of sounds like you may need more time without a relationship to recover from the loss of this relationship before starting a new one.

I also know some people would say not to see her at all, but I find it's difficult to completely cut people out of my life if I like them. I've almost always maintained friendships with the people I once dated. The exception is the only one I still wonder "what if..." about. The others gave me better closure in addition to allowing me to keep a great friend.
 
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