Issue: When a girl shows too much interest my instinct is to pull back


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justme27 is offline justme27 Post #1  January 4,2010, 8:28pm
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Now that I'm getting to know a lot more girls and starting to really date, I notice I have a problem. I'm fine when a woman is kind of interested but not, or doesn't display interest. However, I notice that once she begins to get excited and starts showing interest my instinct is get too get anxious and pull back. I'm not really sure why.

Perfect example. I've known a bartender for years and she and I joke around. I came in this week and the first thing she does is give me a big hug and says she misses seeing me. I'm not an extravagant tipper, so my first instinct is to blush. She is very attractive. Then I notice that while we are talking she leans in real close to me--which is a sign of interest. I immediately freeze up. Instead of being outgoing like normal I just can't think of anything to say. So I have one beer and leave. And before I leave she says in a kind of ticked off voice, "so what are you going to drink more at home." And I'm like, "me drink, nah. I ran out of moonshine "

I'm going to bring this up with my therapist tomorrow but I'd figure I'd post it here to see what the brilliant minds on here have to say.
 
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GEF2 is offline GEF2 Post #2  January 4,2010, 8:46pm
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When a woman starts to show interest in you, you become self conscious. Maybe you don't feel in control of the situation and that intimidates you. I don't know, for me, when a guy is more interested in me, I feel more in control and confident because I know that he is the one trying to woo me. Either way, your reaction is normal but just know that women are really attracted to guys with confidence and if you don't got it, fake it till you make it.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #3  January 5,2010, 2:59am
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thinks everyone should just ask themselves, WWBBD?

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The missing link here is ...are *you* interested in these women who are interested in you?

If not, there's your answer ...

If so, there are a couple of reasons I can think of:

1) you lack self-esteem and believe that you aren't 'worthy' of anyone being interested in you.

2) you have an irrational fear of getting hurt and will simply avoid putting yourself in any situation where that might happen.

3) you are simply ambivalent towards having any kind of relationship and are simply dating to have 'fun'.

Honestly, it sounds like there's some history going on here ...that's usually the case with commitment-phobes, something that you haven't gotten over or completely dealt with yet.
 
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mrflyer is offline mrflyer Post #4  January 5,2010, 2:41pm
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I think BikerBeagle nailed it. I would add that it's possible you're just cautious about rushing into something, which can be a good thing.
 
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beautifulgenius is offline beautifulgenius Post #5  January 6,2010, 8:21am
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So we get an even shot at this...and this only happens when you are interested or does it matter??? I know, I pull back, if someone is giving me an indication that they are interested and I am thinking hold on, what gave you the impression that we were more than just friends??
 
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qt_py is offline qt_py Post #6  January 6,2010, 9:10am

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When a woman comes onto me strongly, my first instince is "OK, what is it you want?". That is, I feel like I'm being set up to be used / manipulated for services or something such as mowing her lawn for free for fixing something in their house.

Other times, I get the feeling that she just made a bet with her friends that she could get any chump to buy her a drink.

As for people in the service industry... they make their living on tips by buttering up the customers. Take it for what it was... she was trying to get just another customer to spend their money in the establishment. Thats her job. No need for discourtesy here.
 
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TiffanyDiamond is offline TiffanyDiamond Post #7  January 6,2010, 10:05am
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BikerBeagle wrote :
The missing link here is ...are *you* interested in these women who are interested in you?

If not, there's your answer ...

If so, there are a couple of reasons I can think of:

1) you lack self-esteem and believe that you aren't 'worthy' of anyone being interested in you.

2) you have an irrational fear of getting hurt and will simply avoid putting yourself in any situation where that might happen.
I agree with 1 and 2 BikerBeagle. This sounds like self-sabotage to me. OP you have to believe that you are worthy of someone being interested in you....that is confidence...got to have that. If you don't, it shows. Also, sometimes things don't work out and we get hurt. We all go through that. It is always a crap shoot when we get involved with people - got to take that leap of faith or remain alone.
 
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justme27 is offline justme27 Post #8  January 6,2010, 1:21pm
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Thanks to everyone who replied! Ok, so here is what my therapist had to offer and this may be helpful to others who may find themselves in the situation.

Ok, so the trick in overcoming a sign of interest from a girl your interested in is to take note of what your thinking. My problem is that I'm fun and outgoing as long as I'm not anxious. As soon as a girl shows strong interest I begin to become anxious. The trick is to ask yourself what are you thinking. In my case my first thoughts was, "This is uncomfortable." So because that is my first thought it would naturally lead me to instinctively shut-down or become nervous--freeze or flight.

As soon as I have that thought, the trick is to change it and think, "Oh this is exciting she is interested in me. Let me generate more interest." In a sense reframing the experience to something fun and positive.

I haven't tried it. But I'm going to try it as soon as I can. Thanks to everyone who replied!
 
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Shelock_Homes is offline Shelock_Homes Post #9  January 6,2010, 3:07pm
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Lets face it, the world can feel like it's against us sometimes.

There are plenty of scams, false promises, and ripoffs and con artists out there.

When something starts to go our way we almost have to do a double take. We have to make sure it was merited. Make sure we earned it. Make sure its not just another future let down.

Mediocrity is comfortable.

Excellence is rare. This is how we train ourselves. We 2nd guess a good thing for fear of getting involved and being let down later.

If I had married all the dudes who pulled the same shiz with me, I'd be Ivana Trump by now. But its human nature. And you're being cautious with your heart. It takes a really confident man to actually work for, earn and then take and accept what he wants. Start practicing now, only if she is what you want. If she has some aspects, get to know her better and heck, find out the bad too. Then you can get a feel for what works for you and what doesn't. Then once you are sure, when Ms. Right comes along you'll really recognize her and you'll be ready to roll! And accept her for all her glory. You'll be the best man you can be and feel like you've earned the best woman you can ever get, and you'll have no choice but to love her forever.

What did your therapist say?

Did my Counseling degree shine thru?
 
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tbesq is offline tbesq Post #10  January 6,2010, 4:31pm
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justme27 wrote :
Now that I'm getting to know a lot more girls and starting to really date, I notice I have a problem. I'm fine when a woman is kind of interested but not, or doesn't display interest. However, I notice that once she begins to get excited and starts showing interest my instinct is get too get anxious and pull back. I'm not really sure why.

Perfect example. I've known a bartender for years and she and I joke around. I came in this week and the first thing she does is give me a big hug and says she misses seeing me. I'm not an extravagant tipper, so my first instinct is to blush. She is very attractive. Then I notice that while we are talking she leans in real close to me--which is a sign of interest. I immediately freeze up. Instead of being outgoing like normal I just can't think of anything to say. So I have one beer and leave. And before I leave she says in a kind of ticked off voice, "so what are you going to drink more at home." And I'm like, "me drink, nah. I ran out of moonshine "

I'm going to bring this up with my therapist tomorrow but I'd figure I'd post it here to see what the brilliant minds on here have to say.
Thanks buddy, for validating a common complaint women have about men.
 
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