Fiance not attractive to me anymore?

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PCSC2006 Post #1 December 20,2009, 4:49pm

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I'm 21/M engaged to 24/F since February. We've known each other about five or six years and have been dating for a little over four and a half years, the vast majority of that time having been a long distance relationship. This is the only real relationship either one of us has ever had.

We grew to become really good, even best friends after we first met, communicating primarily through internet and phone, as she lived a couple hours away. Once she went to college across the country, we stayed in contact and grew even closer together, until we finally expressed to each other how much we each cared about the other. The next time she came home, we spent a weekend together to see how things felt as more than friends, and we made it official. We've been together since then.

My interest in her in the beginning had little to nothing to do with physicality. It almost hurts to say it, but she wasn't pretty or attractive to me at all when I first met her, and after that I would only say she was "cute." As we grew closer together as friends and as bf/gf, though, she became more and more attractive to me.

However over the past year or two, although mostly in the last several months, she's become less and less attractive to me. I know the "honeymoon" phase has to pass, but it's starting to be a strain on our relationship. She still finds me very attractive, so our sex life has been strained at times. I still do things for her, but she can tell whenever I'm not that interested in doing anything and says she'd rather be able to satisfy me than for me to do for her. I think part of it comes down to her just generally having a more active libido than I, but I'm beginning to think there's more to it than just that.

Through most of her life and all the time that I've known her, though at varying degrees, she's been overweight, although I think now she's at her most out of shape. Generally speaking, I don't have a problem with heavier women - a lot of times, I actually think they are more attractive than if they were super skinny. However, I do think that part of the problem now is her weight. And she does too. She's said she's been trying to lose weight, but so far hasn't succeeded. I've never been able to put it this bluntly to her because I know how much it would hurt her (she's extremely insecure), but we've both alluded to it and have all but explicitly pinpointed this as a problem. I've tried supporting her in her efforts, but I feel like anytime I comment on anything, it just frustrates her and she feels like I'm pressuring her too much.

Over the last several months, I've also noticed that I've been...looking at other women more. I know it's natural to look and wonder, "What if?," but lately it's been happening more than it has in the past, and I've found myself more and more curious. In the past, I didn't care about having a gf/fiance who would be regarded as "hot" by more objective standards, and I don't necessarily want one now. I just...I guess my more superficial side is starting to emerge and physical attractiveness is becoming more important? I don't want a relationship founded primarily on that, but I'm beginning to think that one can't survive without it.

The night I proposed to her, I wasn't excited. I felt overwhelmed by a feeling of, "Oh, what have I done?" that became evident over the next day or two. She finally got out of me what was wrong, and I told her that the finality of it just hit me, that all of a sudden I started thinking, "Wait...have I just settled here?" Those weren't my exact words, just a general sentiment. She offered to give the ring back to me until I was ready to ask and even let me take a little time to "explore my options," so to speak. But, she told me it was OK to wonder and only human, and that it was just something we'd have to deal with. I felt better, and everything seemed OK after that.

That feeling is starting to come back, though. I love her very much and have yet to meet anyone with whom I am more compatible and could get along any better. Over time, though, I feel like our personalities have changed in subtle ways that, though not necessarily significant, do cause me some concern since we're planning on getting married. And I'm beginning to wonder if I haven't given myself enough time to explore what options are out there and am just settling for the first good-no, even great thing that I encountered. We've talked about this before prior to the engagement, as it was actually a concern of hers, that she wasn't giving me time to venture out on my own enough. She says that she had her year at college when we weren't together for her to see what she could find, and she still chose me. I was still a junior in high school when we first started dating, so I've never really had that chance. It's never really bothered me, but I guess now that other things are arising to make me wonder, I'm starting to think maybe she was right...

I love her very much, and I care about her deeply, but I'm beginning to wonder if, without the physical attraction anymore, is it any more than a friendly love? Really, a lot of times I feel like we're together more out of habit and our history together than any actual attraction. Well, at least from my perspective. She's probably the best person I've ever known, and I realize that as we grow together and learn more about each other, we realize the other's flaws. It just seems like recently, new flaws (not just referring to the physical), or maybe even just personality differences are arising that may be a little beyond what can be overcome with compromise and recognition of each other's fallibility.

I know that that's not enough for anyway to make a fully accurate judgment, but I'm just wondering if I'm expecting too much and what I should do. I feel like if I broke off the engagement it would be devastating to both of us, but especially to her. She's had a lot of issues (family financial woes, deaths of loved ones, etc.) going on in her life over the last year or so, and I feel like even suggesting there's any serious, root problem to our relationship would be...horrible. She's even told me that the only good thing in her life right now is our relationship. I can't say I completely feel the same. It's not that it means less to me necessarily, but just that I do have other things in my life that bring me happiness and pleasure outside of strictly our relationship.

I love her and care about her, and I do miss her when we're apart, but I know she's more attached to me than I am to her. I can be needy at times too, but a lot of times her neediness seems to cross over into co-dependence. I don't want someone's who's totally aloof, and I'm not saying she's smothering me. I like the attention, but a lot of times I feel like I don't serve as much more than someone who she vents to. I want her to be able to do that, and I realize that relationships aren't all kittens and sunshine. I've tried helping her through her hard times as much as I can, and I'm glad I've been able to be there for her, but I'm beginning to wonder if I need to start thinking about "me" more.

I love her and don't want to abandon her, but I also want to be attracted to her. I almost feel like if I could be more physically attracted to her then that would help even if not completely solve most of the other, relatively minor things I've been thinking about. And at this point, I feel like the main way that's going to happen is if she loses weight, and I don't know how feasible that is. I want to be attracted to her like I once was, but I just don't know how possible it is...

Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #2 December 22,2009, 8:40am

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This is complex. If I were you I'd get into couples counseling with her.

You don't want to hurt her, but if you marry her in your present state -- not fully accepting/loving her as she is -- that will be a very nasty thing to do to her, and to yourself.

It could be there's some deeper issue that's holding you back, or it could be you just don't love her. Counseling can help you figure this out and move forward, one way or the other. Good luck.

Nanette Post #3 December 22,2009, 8:50am

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wrote :

I do have other things in my life that bring me happiness and pleasure outside of strictly our relationship.

I do think this is a huge huge factor in your loss of attraction for her. She has centered her life around you and has made it pretty clear that she has done that, and you want out of all of the pressure. I feel for you. It must be overwhelming.

I don't know if it's possible, but I would try to encourage her to take care of more of her own needs and to cultivate interests and get into activities that are separate from you and the relationship. Not sure how you will do this without her thinking that you don't want to be with her, which wouldn't be the case but it seems like it would be easy for her to interpret it that way.

HappyandLight Post #4 December 22,2009, 9:04am

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I sympathize with you dilemma very much.

I'll just share what has worked for me.

I have learned that my inner self really does lead the way...but often it took me a long time to "hear". For instance, I was with a man I wasn't really happy with...and in the middle of the night, I'd wake up with shivers of anxiety. I knew it was a message something is amiss.

I am not suggesting anything with your relationship. I would be the last person to suggest dumping a long term love. All I am saying is that it sounds like you are not all "Right" with this at all. That your inner self is giving you a message. IMO, if you make the "Right" decision you feel ease, relaxed, "OK" with it. At least that is what I have learned, the hard way.

The other thing is your thought (intuition?) that you two are growing into different people? There are a lot of changes in your twenties. You guys are so young and will change a great deal. It's not a deal breaker but something to think about.

I would take time to meditate on this and really listen within. If you are feeling unease, something is "amiss". Take the time to get clarity on those messages.

Good luck.

BrickWallsBreak Post #5 December 22,2009, 9:29am

this place is too conservative for me. And that's saying a lot!

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You are 21. You have never dated anyone else. You are not ready to get married. Simple as that. Men should not even begin thinking about a committed relationship in their 20s, let alone their early 20s.

Tell her the best way you can without hurting her, but don't get married with these feelings or you will resent her later and be divorced before you are 30.

Lilycat Post #6 December 22,2009, 9:46am

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Try the counseling thing - on your own for a start. You probably need to figure out where your head is at here, and need a non judgemental place to do it.

There are things involved in your thought process here that you should never share with her - it would be too hurtful to her and you appear to realize that. But you need to share/articulate them in some manner with someone to be able to straighten your own head out.

Good luck with that! May you find your answers!

Lilycat

ami1uwant Post #7 December 22,2009, 10:14am

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Love is more than just physical attraction alone.

I find I get attracted to people based on their personalities and not on looks.

I am sure you care for here...that is a different form of love...the bigger question to ask yourself is are you in love with her...which mean you love here for everything including her faults.

With you falling out of love...what was the reason? What are her faults? Are the qualities you are looking for realistic?

justme27 Post #8 December 22,2009, 12:13pm

There I put up a darn avatar is everyone happy! T.S. Eliot very pretentious

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Look buddy your twenty-one years old! I didn't read your entire post; I didn't have to. You are way to young to get married, especially to someone you are not crazy about. Man, I hope you do the right thing for yourself and move on!

Dafearon Post #9 December 22,2009, 2:57pm

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Someone pointed out that you are only 21. But coming from someone who just proposed. What was your thought process leading up to the point where you proposed?

Your thought process from what i read is very different than what went through my head starting 6 months ago when i started putting together my thoughts that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with my now fiance'.

My first thought was living together and how we would reconcile our differences when together. My second thought was our vastly different lifestyles and how to reconcile that. Third was analyzing how happy I would be to spend the rest of my life with this woman as my wife and companion through this adventure we call life. Then my thoughts moved towards how I would feel if she actually said yes to me with the feelings and emotions connected to it and that fantasy made me feel giddy. As time got closer and closer to proposal date, I became a little nervous that she would not say yes for whatever reason, or that she would push me overboard and my body to be found possibly washing ashore onto Cuba or the Bahamas. It culminated all in one point on Saturday where my loosely laid plans to propose went awry with 50 mph winds whipping over deck(wind speed plus the speed of the cruise ship), and ended up proposing to her on our stateroom balcony. When she broke down and said yes, I KNEW she had no question in her mind as in mine, that we both wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. I am happier than I've ever been.

Now me, I'm 37 and this is my first proposal. I've had 16 years of experience over you, but I'm wondering how it is you came to decide to ask this woman to marry you? Your fiance' seems very wise in her young age to give you that option to reconsider. She also shows a maturity that is wise enough to overcome many women's enthusiasm about getting married.

D_Lion Post #10 December 22,2009, 3:17pm

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BrickWallsBreak wrote :

I can't believe some nitwit gave this post one star, when it's correct. (expect that you'll be divorced far before 30.)

Personally, I think marriage at this stage, to a woman such as you describe has a low probability of success and a high probability of seriously damaging your life.

If her weight is out of control at 24, and that is not to your taste (despite the tolerance you have for excess weight), I see this as unwise.

I think the wise action is to end this engagement, develop more relationship experience, gather the skill with women to avoid taking any woman because you are alone, and, with that experience, look for partners you're attracted to.

« Happy Divorce? | Relationships | Is this cold feet or we fear backing out »

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