What would you do? Possible Cancer.


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twinkletwist67 is offline twinkletwist67 Post #1  December 9,2009, 3:17pm
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I have finally found someone that I really like and we get along great. He treats me very well as I do him. I have had bad dating experiences the last couple of years and am happy that I finally found someone.

The problem is we have only been seeing each other since the beginning of October and this has been a mutually exclusive relationship from almost the very first date. I recently went to the doctor for an annual checkup and they did blood work on me. Everything came back fine except my White Blood Count. I have had further blood tests and ruled out any bacterial infections or viruses. My doctor is now sending me to a hematologist, as he is concerned that I may have leukemia.

I have been honest with my boyfriend about what is going on with me medically and he seems to be handling everything fine, but we both mutually avoid conversations about me possibly having leukemia. I am unsure if I should have a serious conversation with him about my possible medical future. I think he deserves to have a choice whether or not he wants to continue our relationship, he may not want to deal with all that could possibly come. I do not want the relationship to end but also do not want him to feel trapped because of guilt or pity for me. I also do not know how to approach the subject either; I do not want him to think I am pushing him away nor that I am trying to trap him into a relationship. I just do not want to have to go through him leaving if I do have leukemia and dealing with the emotional issues of cancer, not to mention the grieving of losing a valued relationship.

I have been going back and forth on this issue for a couple of weeks now. In fact, I was going to talk to him the other night, only to chicken out.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #2  December 9,2009, 3:40pm
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Whew. What a lot of stuff you're dealing with.

I know you must be feeling some internal pressure to have things decided with him...to know if he's going to stand with you by choice or if he's going to bolt or simply choose to step back. I know you say you don't want to deal with breaking up if you find you have leukemia (two hard things at once). Still, I'm not sure you can actually do much or know much until you know your diagnosis.

You're exclusive, but it is early on so I'm not sure the "what is in the future for us" talk is one that you can have until you know what you're dealing with. It's going to feel like pressure to him. I know that's not fair to you, but I think it's possible.

So, he's still around. He is, I assume, expressing concern for you. He may be avoiding talking about it because you are, or he may be avoiding talking about it because he wants to know for sure what he's dealing with. You might, instead of the "I need to know" approach, go about it from a different direction. More of an "I know this must be on your mind too and I don't want to you feel that you can't talk about it with me or express whatever you're feeling about the uncertainty or fear." Then see how he responds.

I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this now, when things, datingwise, seem to be going your way. I hope that your tests come back with something less drastic as the cause. I hope that he sticks by you. I wish you the best.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #3  December 9,2009, 3:57pm
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He already knows he has a choice about continuing the relationship (as has everyone who has ever been in a relationship.)

I think this is an issue that will not end in the telling, but will have to unfold over time ...

In my opinion, if you can not share this with your partner, you do not in fact have a relationship. You have a date, a "friend with benefit," whatever. I consider my relationship partners as deserving of detail of this kind about my life, as it potentially impacts her future. Non-disclosure is, implicitly, signalling to your partner that he is not a part of your life.

As a minimum, I would not lie: if you are often to the doctor, don't say "I'm busy" or make an excuse - that sows distrust. I would be honest with any communication, crisp and direct with the data, and answer truthfully questions he asks.
 
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WYskywatcher is offline WYskywatcher Post #4  December 9,2009, 4:27pm
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So sorry to read what you are going through. If you are in an exclusive relationship, it is completely appropriate to talk about your feelings and his feelings regarding your diagnosis.

It's normal for you to be grasping for some security or guarantees in your future when faced with such an uncertain, scarey diagnosis like leukemia.

Remember, he doesn't need your permission to leave. He's a great guy or you wouldn't be in an exclusive relationship with him, right? Share your feelings about this with him openly. If you can't do that, then, like D_Lion, I would question the quality of the relationship.

Talk to him!! Best of luck to you!!
 
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hazmat is offline hazmat Post #5  December 9,2009, 5:55pm
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Be honest with him like you would on any other subject. If you want to talk to him about it, do it. You're still you, and that's who he cares about. He knows he has a choice, let him be the one to make it. Don't push him away because you feel guilty. You like him for a reason, hopefully your instincts were correct.

And, unless you know for sure that you have leukemia, there's really no reason to have the discussion. Best of luck to you.
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #6  December 9,2009, 7:14pm

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It's a tough thing to hear and I wish you well during this stressful time.

This is your BF's decision to make..he either can or cannot deal with your medical issues.

This is your decision to make..you either have the time and energy for a relationship right now or you do not.

In any case, I highly recommend you contact the LIVESTRONG foundation for help dealing with your fears, ideas about talking to your BF and family and help during this time. And also, read Lance Armstrong's book "Its not about the bike" for some encouraging thoughts about dealing with cancer.

Take care of yourself and let the community here know if we can support you too..many of us have been caretakers or are cancer survivors.
 
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ami1uwant is online now ami1uwant Post #7  December 9,2009, 8:08pm
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First off...you dont know what exactly you have..correct...you still are going to need to get more test to find out.

You have told him about this and he is still with you...which is a good sign...but...

he may be understand but does he know what lukemia is...its a time of cancer..hemay not realize what it is just that its a medical problem without knowing the full scope.

I would not stay with you out of guilt or pity but on merit alone. I would be supportive of you through this. He may not...you never really know until push comes to shove.
 
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javajava5 is offline javajava5 Post #8  December 9,2009, 9:05pm
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Dear TwinkleTwist67,

How lovely it is to meet you here and welcome to eHarmony Advice (eHA)! This is your very first post and it's wonderful that you felt comfortable enough with us to share this potential health concern.

There are some very warm, loving, caring, empathetic, and compassionate folks here and my prayer for you is that you find comfort in knowing that others do care about you . . . despite this being an online venue where people do not "know" each other like in real life but may know more about the person here than their real-life friends do.

There is something about the internet that does establish emotional intimacy between strangers, but please, you're not among strangers here!

The thing about life is that every person does encounter, somewhere along the way, the "What If's" of life and that's why it is best to live life totally in the present while preparing for the future as those "what if's" could drive us completely crazy if we let them.

Some of the things we dread so much in life never do come true! Living life each day in the present, just taking what comes that day. This is the key to worry-free living.

That's exactly what you need to do right now. Just live in the present. You don't know yet what the hematologist will find and there is no need to torture yourself with worry right now (not that you are).

There will be enough time to deal with the leukemia if you do discover that you have it, but for now, don't borrow trouble, as hard as that may be as one's mind does have a tendency to turn to these kinds of things.

Of course, you're concerned! Who would not be! But keep it in proportion. Other than having an elevated WBC count, you don't know why yet. Until you know for sure, nothing can be done so it's best not to dwell on it. That might not be it at all! You just don't know, but you will, and that will be the time to make decisions.

Right now, you've told your boyfriend of two months what the doctor has said, but there's really nothing further to discuss yet as you have no news to report.

You could have feelings of all sort, especially fearful feelings, but do you really want to disrupt yourself so for something that you really don't know for sure? Doing so will simply result in your being on an emotional roller-coaster which, hopefully, will have been quite unnecessary.

So until you do know for sure, try not to let yourself be consumed with worry! Don't waste time on this "What if," and let it play in your mind and wreck havoc with your emotions.

Since you have no further news, it would not be appropriate to have any conversation with your boyfriend about your possible medical future. Really, unless a person has genetic testing, and then sometimes even then, a person doesn't know what for sure what their medical future holds!

You're jumping the gun here - which is understandable - but again, you really don't know. You're in limbo right now which is hard.

You've been given good advice by other posters. Take things as they come and when they come. You're trying to live in the future and bring it into the present but none of us can do that.

Much better to live in the present and avoid the worry of what may not happen.

IF you do find you have leukemia, there will be many options and things to consider and it will all unfold over time.

Right now, you're trying to be too premature with your boyfriend. Just let it unfold with him the way you need to let it unfold with your medical news - whether it's good news or not!

You're worrying about your boyfriend and his reaction way too much. Let it go and let yourself be at peace about it. Enjoy each day as we all should be doing.

Your reaction is very typical of people who are going through various medical tests for what may be a serious condition. Keep it all in perspective and right now, you have nothing but an elevated WBC. Whether that translates into something else is not known.

Don't let your mind wander down the road about all these things you're wondering about. Nothing can be done now UNLESS YOU want to break off with your boyfriend over something you may or may not have. Do you see how foolish that would be?

Waiting is very, very hard, but that is what you have to do. Millions of people have gone through the same waiting.

You must, for your well-being and peace of mind, keep it all in perspective, do not get ahead of where things actually are, and don't try to project or forecast the future. Just live right now - today! Today is enough without worrying about all the "What if's" of the future.

Let this be of comfort to you - especially when your mind starts racing ahead:

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6: 34, Holy Bible, New International Version (NIV)

If you do find yourself consumed with all these thoughts, may this help you and bless you:

"Casting all your care upon hHm; for He careth for you." I Peter 5: 7, Holy Bible, NIV

Enjoy each new day as it comes! You can never recapture that time again and it's a shame to spend it in needless worry.

Even though it's hard, just wait patiently for your results and then decide your medical course of action. Don't worry about your boyfriend. It seems you are blessed to have found each other.

You're still in the very early stages of dating. Again, let each day unfold and do not take over making your boyfriend's decisions for him.

If you find you need more emotional support after you receive a definitive diagnosis, you may wish to consult a counselor and / or a support group. There are many. Remember, your boyfriend is your boyfriend. He is not your counselor or your venting buddy. Save your venting for your really close, best friends who you've known for ages.

That doesn't mean you can't share with your boyfriend, but your relationship is new and so it's important to remember the stage you're in - whether you have leukemia or do not have leukemia - and not dump on him.

I'm not certain if you're familiar with Joni Erickson Tada who broke her neck as a teenager in a diving accident and is a quadriplegic?

She has appeared with Billy Graham in numerous crusades and also draws with a pencil in her mouth and sings beautifully. Mr Tada married her after she became a quadriplegic!

She has someone that helps her care for her physical needs as her husband is her husband - not her caregiver. Let your boyfriend be your boyfriend - not your emotional or venting partner. There are support groups for that.

Of course, you will share with your boyfriend emotionally, but I will trust that you will know what I mean with my example. Do not lean too heavily on your boyfriend as the stage you're in is not ready for that yet! Let your relationship continue to grow in a natural fashion as relationships do!

Perhaps writing, as you're doing here, is a good emotional release for you. Even if you choose not to write online, you can always keep your own private journal to express your feelings! That really does help people that like to write and it does seem like it would be good for you!

Please write and let us know how it goes for you and what you find out from the hematologist. Remember, these things are a process and it does take awhile to get a definitive diagnosis. Meanwhile, enjoy each day as you live in the present.

When your mind starts getting into the unknowns of the future, mentally stop yourself, and redirect your thoughts away whether through calling a friend on the phone, writing, watching a TV program, reading a good book, exercising, playing with a pet, cooking, listening to music, helping someone else, or whatever you find works for you!

Thank you for sharing with us and I will remember you in my prayers tonight!

JavaJava5
Last edited by javajava5; December 9,2009 at 9:13pm.
 
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livenlearn is offline livenlearn Post #9  December 10,2009, 3:04pm
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Autoimmune disorders also are being linked to high white cell count. And stress adds to the dissorders.
 
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Fleuellen is offline Fleuellen Post #10  December 11,2009, 6:26pm
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"if I do have leukemia"

life has its curvl balls ... but you've aleady done what yiu need do ... be open with guy you'e pretty fond of. it is really his descions what he he does ... and you've no right taking that away ... rejecting him won't make him feel any better; more likely worse ...

i wish I hadn't had so much to do with similar issues ... but I've seen , saw my fomer wife fad away, sat with mat as his son died, some folk stick thru think or thin, others walk away, and all in between ... seriouess illness is vey tough on love ones too.

finally, you don't actually know ... don't too far ahead of youself ... it is normal to fear the worse ... your partner might be hit by a bus tomorow (or today) ... I ty to live each day at a time.

Prends soin de toi
 
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