What do you do when you realize your sister is the bad one in the relationship?


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justme27 is offline justme27 Post #1  December 4,2009, 9:20pm
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I know it's none my business and I don't plan on making it my business but I'm wondering how to react when my brother-in-law finally leaves my sister. My sister doesn't take of her looks, is unsympathetic when it comes to his needs, demands that he work even harder than he does for the family, is punitive....etc. Her husband isn't innocent in the matter either but his biggest problem is that when he feels that is not in control of the family he withdraws instead of communicates with the family. As soon as the youngest child leaves the house, I'm sure he's going to leave my sister. No, I won't say you should have been a better wife. I just don't think I'll say anything at all.
 
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bigfincat is offline bigfincat Post #2  December 4,2009, 9:41pm
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If they are unhappy then it may be best if they do end up splitting.

I don't think that blame is something to even look for from what you describe. Sounds like 2 difficult people that have issues working together. Not uncommon at all.

There is either enough good things there to offset the miserable times or they will split up.

I know that my sister & bro-in-law are both dificult at times. They are both right in being angry at the other. They sometimes create their own problems as individuals but I don't think that they would be any different or happier/less happy if they were ever to split. That is just who & how they are.

In many ways they need each other for a kick in the pants once sometimes.

It is very hard to judge from the outside exactly how the dynamics of a relationship came about. It can be very hard to say what led to your becoming punitive. She is not right for doing that but it is possible that he did something that pushed her to do so... & then it gets engrained into the relationship. A lot of back & forth is usually responsible for those types of things. Could even be something pretty stupid but once it happens it is hard for some couples to break the pattern.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #3  December 5,2009, 4:09am
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If you point objectively at fact-based observations, and connect that to either data or your values - speaking clearly to make it obvious which is which - I think it is fine to speak up.

It really isn't any different than if you seeing someone, perhaps at the gym, about to do / try something in the wrong way, which could get them injured. Walk up and say, "It looked like you were about to do [whatever], and I think that's not the right way; instead, it is usually done [this way, described], for [purpose of, to avoid, etc]."
 
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americanfridge is offline americanfridge Post #4  December 5,2009, 4:37am
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Guide her. This is the best thing that any family member can do
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #5  December 5,2009, 5:36am
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One thing I know about marriage.

You never know what goes on behind closed doors between two people. I wouldn't be so quick to assume when a marriage will end, or even if it will end at all.

Those times when I'm inclined to fault others is when I have to remember they can just as easily find fault with me.

That's my take.

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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #6  December 5,2009, 7:32am
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j0hn8andy wrote :
One thing I know about marriage.

You never know what goes on behind closed doors between two people. I wouldn't be so quick to assume when a marriage will end, or even if it will end at all.
Yes. From outside someone else's relationship, you can't really know what it's like for them. Also with my friends/family I have found they tend to talk more about the bad stuff than the good ... they're venting. It can give you a skewed view of their relationship.

If it does end though, you were wondering what to do. You can be supportive to your sister, her husband if you have a relationship with him, with their children. Nobody's going to need to be told what they did wrong at that point, but it would be a huge life upheaval and a caring brother/uncle could be very nice to have.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #7  December 5,2009, 8:12am
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justme27 wrote :
I know it's none my business and I don't plan on making it my business but ......
"But" nothing. Adding a "but" here totally negates what you just said about not making it your business. You definitely sound like you're going to make it your business.

Stay out of it! Entirely. No one knows what REALLY goes on inside a marriage except the two people directly involved. It's not your place to say anything. Think about it, if you did say something do you seriously thing your sister would appreciate it or change anything because of what you said? Not likely. Most likely outcome would be that you just alienated your sister.

If they should happen to split, your role is to be the supportive sister... not to take sides or cast blame.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #8  December 5,2009, 8:14am
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D_Lion wrote :
If you point objectively at fact-based observations, and connect that to either data or your values - speaking clearly to make it obvious which is which - I think it is fine to speak up.

It really isn't any different than if you seeing someone, perhaps at the gym, about to do / try something in the wrong way, which could get them injured. Walk up and say, "It looked like you were about to do [whatever], and I think that's not the right way; instead, it is usually done [this way, described], for [purpose of, to avoid, etc]."
People rarely appreciate this approach when you're "correcting" them on their personality, relationship, or actions. It's nothing at all like correcting someone at the gym. I don't recommend it.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #9  December 5,2009, 1:50pm
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justme the scenario that you have laid out in your op is extreeeeemley common. You blame her, but she may be pushing because he is withdrawing. Very very very very common!

I would mess out.
 
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justme27 is offline justme27 Post #10  December 5,2009, 2:02pm
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Thanks to everyone who replied. I'm not going to mettle in her personal affairs, but I just think it is sad and wanted to vent. Thanks to everyone who replied.
 
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