Should I be pushing for marriage???


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HappyandLight is offline HappyandLight Post #1  December 4,2009, 12:38pm
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Hi...I am 42. In a relationship for a bit over a year (met Sept 28th of last year). We see each other 3-4 nights a week, have gone on three trips together (one week long), live about 1.5 hours a way and things seem to be fine.

I am wondering, because of my age, should I be pushing for marriage?

Even though I have always loved having a bf and/or love relationship in my life, I've never had a huge desire to be married. I am not against marriage at all, and DO plan on getting married but never been the type of woman to "dream" of getting married. In fact, the act of planning a wedding fills me with anxiety/dread. And the act of deciding where we will live (could disrupt my community/life) and how we will live fills me with anxiety...although I know that is part of the deal. I guess you can say, in a way, I think more like a man in this regard. I know marriage will incur joys but also challenges...and probably some really irritating ones! I just really like seeing him 3-4 nights a week...that is good but I know it can't be this way forever.

The man I am with seems very committed to me. He speaks of the future, he says "you can't die before me", he has not wavered nor has he given me mixed signals, hangs out with my family and friends, etc...but has not asked me to marry him. He joked he would do my web page once I did get married.

I guess I am reacting to the many dating/marriage books I had read that said it gets harder and harder as you get older and you don't want to waste the years. Now, I am not inwardly worried (I still get a lot of male attention, just not sure when that will end)...just wondering if I should be concerned.

I guess another part of it is a woman I know...she is in her 60's. She had a bf for 15 years and he dumped her leaving her all alone in her 60's. I know what she is going thru and wondered why she didn't push for marriage...then maybe it would've lasted? Now it is late for her and will be harder for her to find someone.

And, by the way, if he asked me...I knew a long time ago I would say "yes" to him but I still feel no rush at all. I like how we are right now.

For security's sake, should I be pushing for this?

???
Last edited by HappyandLight; December 4,2009 at 12:45pm.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #2  December 4,2009, 12:41pm
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I don't know. What does marriage, "being married", mean to you? and do you want kids?
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #3  December 4,2009, 12:44pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Why would your age be a reason to push for marriage? 'For security's sake'? I don't get it. Do you want to have his money for security? I would think at age 42 that you'd have all the time in the world to get married. Also, he may be happy with things the way they are and not see any real need (or at least hurry) to marry you.

P.S. Did he say he'd do your web page for you when 'you' get married.....or when 'we' get married?
 
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livenlearn is offline livenlearn Post #4  December 4,2009, 12:47pm
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Yay! spring has sprung.

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Because you feel pressured by your age???
Heck NO!
Dont believe eveything you read.
 
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HappyandLight is offline HappyandLight Post #5  December 4,2009, 12:51pm
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No, not financial security. I have that already. I mean emotional security. And that is not a bad thing for me to be asking since I have lost my mother, my father is old, and not close to the rest of my family.

And, yes, I do have "all the time in the world" to get married but the facts are clear: the older a woman gets the harder it is to find someone. Not impossible but harder to find someone. Maybe you men don't understand this or believe it but it's true. I wish this wasn't true but it is.

And if he likes the way things are, that is OK with me, too. If I know for sure if he will stick around then I can relax a bit. Marriage is a nice sign for women that the man is sincere and will not leave you at the drop of a hat.

Even my gf said "what are you guys waiting for"???

It was a joke. My friend had a web page done for her wedding and my bf, part of his business is setting up web businesses. He joked "I'll do your web page" (when I get married). It was funny.

jayjay wrote :
Why would your age be a reason to push for marriage? 'For security's sake'? I don't get it. Do you want to have his money for security? I would think at age 42 that you'd have all the time in the world to get married. Also, he may be happy with things the way they are and not see any real need (or at least hurry) to marry you.

P.S. Did he say he'd do your web page for you when 'you' get married.....or when 'we' get married?
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #6  December 4,2009, 12:55pm
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HappyandLight wrote :
Hi...I am 42. In a relationship for a bit over a year (met Sept 28th of last year). We see each other 3-4 nights a week, have gone on three trips together (one week long), live about 1.5 hours a way and things seem to be fine.

I am wondering, because of my age, should I be pushing for marriage?

Even though I have always loved having a bf and/or love relationship in my life, I've never had a huge desire to be married. I am not against marriage at all, and DO plan on getting married but never been the type of woman to "dream" of getting married. In fact, the act of planning a wedding fills me with anxiety/dread. And the act of deciding where we will live (could disrupt my community/life) and how we will live fills me with anxiety...although I know that is part of the deal. I guess you can say, in a way, I think more like a man in this regard. I know marriage will incur joys but also challenges...and probably some really irritating ones! I just really like seeing him 3-4 nights a week...that is good but I know it can't be this way forever.

The man I am with seems very committed to me. He speaks of the future, he says "you can't die before me", he has not wavered nor has he given me mixed signals, hangs out with my family and friends, etc...but has not asked me to marry him. He joked he would do my web page once I did get married.

I guess I am reacting to the many dating/marriage books I had read that said it gets harder and harder as you get older and you don't want to waste the years. Now, I am not inwardly worried (I still get a lot of male attention, just not sure when that will end)...just wondering if I should be concerned.

I guess another part of it is a woman I know...she is in her 60's. She had a bf for 15 years and he dumped her leaving her all alone in her 60's. I know what she is going thru and wondered why she didn't push for marriage...then maybe it would've lasted? Now it is late for her and will be harder for her to find someone.

And, by the way, if he asked me...I knew a long time ago I would say "yes" to him but I still feel no rush at all. I like how we are right now.

For security's sake, should I be pushing for this?

???
You sound like you like the freedom that having a "boyfriend" as opposed to a husband gives you (yes, I think there is a difference) so I would stick with what is working for you!

The only time I would advise someone to pull back from a relationship is if they wanted marriage. I think it all depends on what you want, but either way I wouldn't push. At the end of a years time a guy knows if he wants to spend the rest of his life with you or not. If you aren't living together, I wouldn't be concerned about it for the sake of security.

As far as security goes, I would actually feel more comfortable keeping everything separate if I was just living with someone (which I wouldn't anyway, but I realize that won't be everyones choice). If he wanted to do something nice for me monetarily fine.

Idk. If you are comfortable with it then go with it.
 
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ami1uwant is online now ami1uwant Post #7  December 4,2009, 12:58pm
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You seem someone who doesnt rely on marriage to live....for that reason you can survive without it.

Ask yourself this question...do you enjoy time with your b/f?

Have you guys even talked of one moving to the others town? If so..what about living together?

Dont really worry about the marriage thing...you know you can go to city hall and get legally married...no frills no stress..no anything. In some states they have common law marriages.
 
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FairOne is offline FairOne Post #8  December 4,2009, 12:58pm
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HappyandLight wrote :
Hi...I am 42. In a relationship for a bit over a year (met Sept 28th of last year). We see each other 3-4 nights a week, have gone on three trips together (one week long), live about 1.5 hours a way and things seem to be fine.

I am wondering, because of my age, should I be pushing for marriage?

Even though I have always loved having a bf and/or love relationship in my life, I've never had a huge desire to be married. I am not against marriage at all, and DO plan on getting married but never been the type of woman to "dream" of getting married. In fact, the act of planning a wedding fills me with anxiety/dread. And the act of deciding where we will live (could disrupt my community/life) and how we will live fills me with anxiety...although I know that is part of the deal. I guess you can say, in a way, I think more like a man in this regard. I know marriage will incur joys but also challenges...and probably some really irritating ones! I just really like seeing him 3-4 nights a week...that is good but I know it can't be this way forever.

The man I am with seems very committed to me. He speaks of the future, he says "you can't die before me", he has not wavered nor has he given me mixed signals, hangs out with my family and friends, etc...but has not asked me to marry him. He joked he would do my web page once I did get married.

I guess I am reacting to the many dating/marriage books I had read that said it gets harder and harder as you get older and you don't want to waste the years. Now, I am not inwardly worried (I still get a lot of male attention, just not sure when that will end)...just wondering if I should be concerned.

I guess another part of it is a woman I know...she is in her 60's. She had a bf for 15 years and he dumped her leaving her all alone in her 60's. I know what she is going thru and wondered why she didn't push for marriage...then maybe it would've lasted? Now it is late for her and will be harder for her to find someone.

And, by the way, if he asked me...I knew a long time ago I would say "yes" to him but I still feel no rush at all. I like how we are right now.

For security's sake, should I be pushing for this?

???
Regarding the woman you mentioned in her 60's, if the guy wanted to leave her he likely would've done so if they were married or not. And if they were married and he didn't want to go through the 'hassle' of getting divorced, he may have cheated and likely would've withdrawn to the point that she would've been alone, at least emotionally.

Marriage isn't a guarantee of emotional security. I don't think it's something to be ''pushed' for. You seem happy where you are right now, but if you ever decide you want to get married, then I'd talk to your bf about it- no pushing necessary :-)
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #9  December 4,2009, 12:59pm
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I just saw your other post on emotional security and I don't think that marriage offers that necessarily.

If he balks at getting married I would be concerned that he knows at that point that you arent the one and doesnt want to commit to you. In that case, yes, I would probably not continue with this guy, but thats just me.
 
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Dafearon is offline Dafearon Post #10  December 4,2009, 12:59pm
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Let me ask you this. What will a marriage give you exactly? Lets leave all the legal ramifications behind and just concentrate on what it does for you emotionally.

Is he more likely to stay because of the label of husband and wife?

Is he less likely to cheat on you if you had a ring on your finger?

Will he love you more if you're married?

Will whatever incident or incidents that may cause you to break up happen in the future whether or not you're married?
 
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