eHA_Admin_Lori is offline eHA_Admin_Lori — Advice Official Moderator Post #1  December 2,2009, 5:16pm
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An interesting point was brought up by PR_Princess in this dicussion:

http://advice.eharmony.com/boards/gr...ful-wives.html

PR_Princess wrote :
So maybe you men posting here should write for us ladies what is it that inspires you to "stay" home because obviously liposuction, augmentation and Victoria Secret isn't quite enough
I'd like to ask BOTH genders this question, actually!

Why DON'T you cheat?

Sure, it's wrong, that's a given. But all of us are subjected to temptation to varying degrees, and some of us even have opportunity to cheat -- so, what is it that makes you turn your back on taking (or creating!) an opportunity to cheat, and instead stay faithful?

Looking forward to a really interesting discussion!
 
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FairOne is offline FairOne Post #2  December 2,2009, 5:30pm
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Love this question!

I think there are three main factors that keep a person from cheating:

1. a personal decision to not handle their problems with their spouse that way, despite circumstances that may arise

2. a deep respect for their spouse and the relationship they have and the desire to not risk destroying that

3. the self-awareness to know what their needs are, the ability to articulate them, and the wisdom (and luck?) to pick a person that can fulfill them, so they don't feel a need to look outside of their relationship for something that's missing
 
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Sucia1969 is offline Sucia1969 Post #3  December 2,2009, 6:06pm
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I was with my ex for over 20 years. over 12 of that married. In that time, I never cheated on him, despite several times when I could have. He however did cheat, 5 times that I know of, who knows the actual count.
Why didn't I? Two wrongs don't make a right. Becasue I knew first hand the hurt it can cause. I did my best to keep myself out of situations where it would be tempting. I honored our marraige vows. It wouldn't be fair to any of the involved parties.
 
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grlnxtdr is offline grlnxtdr Post #4  December 2,2009, 6:28pm
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Maybe I am being naive here, but I think if you really love someone then you will not cheat. I think cheating in any serious relationship is wrong. Even if it is dating. I think cheating is very selfish...it is the cheater saying to themself " I can do what I want, my needs, wants, desires, and feelings are more important than my partners." If you really love someone you do not take the relationship for granted, you realize it is special and needs to be cherished.
I think cheaters are inherantly childish,selfish, and self indulgent people. Perhaps in today's instant gratification society, people have forgotten that relationships are not always a walk in the park and all relationship problems are not going to be resolved in 30 minutes or you are free to leave.
So perhaps when someone feels the urge to be self indulgent and focus on their own desires without consideration for a partner or a family...they need to realize that they are taking the easy way out of dealing with what is actually the problem. It can be a million things, and I think that no two peole cheat for the same reason, but if you have the urge to cheat in a relationship...it needs to be examined before the line is crossed.
If you have taken a vow of marriage, then you are no longer only making decisions for yourself...it's not what is best for me,,,but what is best for us...and find me a spouse who will agree with you and say "Yes honey...you are right, it was best for us as a couple for you to fullfill your fantasy and cheat on me, I am so glad you made that positive choice for our marriage"
So perhaps the true answer to curb the cheating..is to stop acting like a bratty little kid that didn't get all they wanted on Christmas morning...grow up and think about someone else for a change....YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE IN THE RELATIONSHIP!
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #5  December 2,2009, 6:28pm
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eHA_Admin_Lori wrote :
Why DON'T you cheat?

Why should I?

There isn't any gain in it.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #6  December 2,2009, 6:31pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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I think it's actually not a simple thing not to cheat. Just look at the people who have a lot of opportunity to cheat....and it seems that quite a large percentage of them actually do so. I think we're almost biologically programmed to cheat because it's biologically advantageous, even if it is personally destructive.

My own approach when I'm in a relationship is to firstly have a strong commitment not to cheat and also to put myself into a minimum of situations in which the opportunity might arise. In the 6 years I was married this approach worked for me.
 
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PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #7  December 2,2009, 6:44pm

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So far everybody has the right answer...many times cheating is not necessarily about what you can't provide/can provide...it's about the dysfunction within the cheater.

If we want to over-simplify this by looks alone...of course, if we think we can't get any 'better' we won't even consider cheating at all. This is purely from a physical-everybody-has-in-them-to-cheat assumption, but of course we know life is way more complicated than that.

Hugh Grant is another case of beauty doesn't guarantee your husband's faithfulness.

I remember actually posting this on a different message board...it was very interesting when I mentioned 'cheating is wrong' I got raked through hot coal, and quite a few married women responded with "You can't judge them because you don't know their circumstances"

Sure enough...later on one of them admitted to me she committed an affair with a teaching assistant (she's a young teacher in college), divorced her husband and not long after...got herself a baby.

Assuming both parties hold up their end of the bargain for being good partners, what makes people not cheat would be their moral/values. Nothing more nothing less.

Just my opinion.
 
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trackstar is offline trackstar Post #8  December 2,2009, 6:52pm
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1) I'm positive that I would rather be with my boyfriend than with any other person I have known or will ever know.
2) The thought of hurting him like that is about enough to make me cry.
3) I could never forgive myself.
4) It's just plain wrong.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #9  December 2,2009, 7:04pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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trackstar wrote :
1) I'm positive that I would rather be with my boyfriend than with any other person I have known or will ever know.
2) The thought of hurting him like that is about enough to make me cry.
3) I could never forgive myself.
4) It's just plain wrong.
Don't you think people who cheat think (or have thought) these same things?
 
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Sucia1969 is offline Sucia1969 Post #10  December 2,2009, 7:36pm
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jayjay wrote :
Don't you think people who cheat think (or have thought) these same things?
I'm sure they have at some point, but choose to follow their own wants, for a variety of reasons. No self control, no self respect, no respect for commitment, different views on what cheating is? I don't think I will ever understand it, but many many people do, good people, bad people, all sorts of people
 
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