Friendship Question: Did I do anything wrong?


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justme27 is offline justme27 Post #1  November 26,2009, 8:08am
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Well, this is going to be from my perspective but I will try to be as objective as possible. I was friends with a girl who was part of a program of study I was pursuing. I thought we were close friends for the brief amount of time I knew her. She told me about her past and about all the bad relationships she had been in, she told me about jumping from one relationship to the next. One day she cried because she felt like she didn't have it in her to complete the program. I was a friend and listened and I recommended that she see a therapist. Well, we continue with our friendship.

Well, it turns out that I am dissatisfied with the program and I decide to leave it in favor of another program of study. When I tell her this, she gets in a bad mood and says that I'm basically taking the easy way out and that if I want to go further it's just going to get harder anyway. She says that there are so many students who would kill to have my grades...etc. Then she says she has to go. I text her back saying that not to worry about it; I have faith in myself that I'll complete my goals at my same pace. She calls me back and apologizes and says that maybe we should grab a beer sometime during the week.

However, I have not heard from her since then. That was about a week and a half ago. I called once left a message--no response. A few days later I texted her once--no response. Finally, I sent an e-mail saying that it's ok if she didn't want to be friends anymore but it would be nice to know that so I could delete her number from my phone--no response. So I'm done contacting her.

What did I do wrong here?
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #2  November 26,2009, 8:43am
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It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. She did tell you she jumps from one relationship to another, and that may apply to friendships as well as romances. She may feel that you are abandoning her by leaving the program, since she has a lot of insecurity about being in it.

On second thought, perhaps you did do something wrong ... it sounds like a very one-sided friendship. That's a mistake, just like in romances.
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #3  November 26,2009, 8:54am

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She told me about her past and about all the bad relationships she had been in, she told me about jumping from one relationship to the next. One day she cried because she felt like she didn't have it in her to complete the program.

She trusted you and based on the new friendship, she hung in there to complete the program! You dump the program, you dumped her, which was like a knife in the back and you showed her that once again guys can't be trusted and that includes you as well.

Before making the move you could have discussed it with her and given her a heads up so she would not feel abandoned again. You seem to have a lack of empathy for other peoples feelings.

"Finally, I sent an e-mail saying that it's ok if she didn't want to be friends anymore but it would be nice to know that so I could delete her number from my phone--no response. So I'm done contacting her."

Your really wanted her to feel worthless and that was a very poor thing to say to a person who you thought to be your friend, so you did her wrong twice!

Harvey7.
 
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olrowe is offline olrowe Post #4  November 26,2009, 9:15am
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wrote :
Finally, I sent an e-mail saying that it's ok if she didn't want to be friends anymore but it would be nice to know that so I could delete her number from my phone--no response
What kind of friendship is this?
If a buddy hadnt been in touch for a while, would you send him this message.
She's a friend (so you say), you invited her out for a beer and she has not been in touch, big deal. Maybe she has stuff going on in her life. Is there a time frame when your friends must respond to your emails or requests?
 
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Iconography is offline Iconography Post #5  November 26,2009, 9:17am
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If a friend of mine had said that to me, about deleting my phone number, I'd "poof" too. That's what you did wrong. (You don't give enough information, I think, to judge if you did anything truly wrong prior to that.)
 
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PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #6  November 26,2009, 9:40am

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1. Asking to delete the phone number...that's a mistake. If you wanted to delete her, delete it already.

2. Anybody goes to school or any program should be doing it for himself/herself not their friends.

3. She got a pretty volatile past (I don't know about yours). Not sure how old you guys are, but crying because you can't finish some kind of a program? Some people's feelings are more fragile than egg shells.

This friendship was doomed from the beginning in my opinion.
 
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justme27 is offline justme27 Post #7  November 26,2009, 10:01am
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Wow Happy Thanksgiving and thanks for the replies: I want to respond to everyone but I think the general outlook is that the number thing was wrong. Ok, that I definitely see as wrong now in retrospect; I should have just moved on. As to what I expect from friends, well my friends usually contact me within twenty-four hours and if it's longer than they usually apologize. I do the same for them, because there is no reason for me not to want to speak with them. But again most of my friends I have known since childhood so I guess we have a special bond. Yes, I see now this relationship was doomed from the start. Thanks again for all who replied.
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #8  November 26,2009, 12:17pm

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justme27 wrote :
Wow Happy Thanksgiving and thanks for the replies: I want to respond to everyone but I think the general outlook is that the number thing was wrong. Ok, that I definitely see as wrong now in retrospect; I should have just moved on. As to what I expect from friends, well my friends usually contact me within twenty-four hours and if it's longer than they usually apologize. I do the same for them, because there is no reason for me not to want to speak with them. But again most of my friends I have known since childhood so I guess we have a special bond. Yes, I see now this relationship was doomed from the start. Thanks again for all who replied.
Some ladies are different then your buds, she is sensitive like a flower and the emotional type. Your obligation was to treat her like a friend that counted as a person to you, to communicate with her before changing programs not after the fact. The removing you phone number from my phone was a very sleazy thing to do to anyone it's called classless.

That is your problem a lack of empathy and no class, Why else would get those type of responses from the peeps? Have a Happy Thanksgiving.

Harvey7.
Last edited by Harvey7; November 26,2009 at 12:20pm.
 
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Altair is offline Altair Post #9  November 26,2009, 2:39pm
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Kirk, lighten up. He already said he realizes this, no need for you to drive the knife in deeper. Go jump on a Gorn or something.You may also need some Valium from Bones.
 
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justme27 is offline justme27 Post #10  November 26,2009, 3:14pm
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No, it's ok. I'm sorry to everyone, even Harvey. To be honest I was hurt that she would just drop our friendship like that--or at least that is the way I saw it. The number thing was just my way of saying, hey it's cool if you no longer want to be friends and I'm not going to contact you further about it. Really, when it comes to women I have very low confidence. I'm not a jerk. But God knows how many women I've pissed off over the years because of my passivity. I don't think it's as much classless as it is that I have a low self-esteem. Again, I'm learning how to develop relationships with women. I've spent most of life in school or libraries. That part of my life has been neglected. So I hope people understand where I am coming from.
 
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