He left me after 10.5 years! Is this a rebound?!


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LA_79 is offline LA_79 Post #1  November 25,2009, 6:54pm
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My boyfriend and I were together for over a decade, he left me 5 months ago, completely blindsided me. We had just bought our first house 8 months prior.

I caught him cheating on me with a 22yr old girl he worked with, my ex is 34 years old. The day I caught him, I kicked him out and he moved in with her and her roommates just up the street from our house. As of September, they got their own place and are now living together. We've been in contact via email only. At first he denied living with her but I found out through our mutual friends. Then, he tried to tell me that there was someone else living there and he was just renting a room in the basement which again was a lie. He then writes me and says that it's not a serious relationship and that he plans on leaving her soon to straightened out his life and that she knows this, again a lie! He says that the only reason why he moved in there was because the rent is cheap. He wrote me today and told me that he does have a lot of regret for what he's done yet he is still living with her! I don't know what to believe anymore. I realize that everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie, I just don't understand why he tells me these things?! Is it to keep me hanging on?

I am struggling to let him/us go. We were together for so long, experienced so much together. How can he be involved in another serious relationship already and be happy? It's only been 5 months since we've been split. He left me and into the arms of a 22yr old girl! I wonder if he does feel any pain or loss?

I am hung up on knowing if this relationship will last or not, everyone tells me it won't and not to care but I'm having such a hard time letting go! Is it a rebound, is it not? Can a relationship that starts off like this stand a chance?

I'm just hoping to get some opinions from others, anything to help me let go and stop hoping that he'll come back to me.
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #2  November 26,2009, 8:30am

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No it's not a rebound relationship, it something that he had stashed on the side. There are lots of guys and girls that have someone on the side for the excitement and the thrill of cheating, it's the forbidden fruit thing they never expect to get caught. Most think that they will be forgiven for their indiscretion. Will you forgive him?

The time has come to sit down and speak to a lawyer, I believe that you said that the two of you just bought a house together? Is he making his half of the mortgage payment or are you making the full payment yourself? Taxes and related expenses as well. Protect yourself and your property along with your credit standing.

I don't think that he is ready to give up his new girl friend, especially since she is down the block from you or a hop, skip and a jump away. What has he done to try and win you back or to show you that he has changed his way.

If you do decide to try again with him, the both of you should get involved with some couples counseling. Ask
yourself what lesson have you learned and him?

Harvey7.
 
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Truthhurts101 is offline Truthhurts101 Post #3  November 26,2009, 11:56am
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honey,if he lied to you its not worth it,once a liar always a liar.I know it hurts,if your a good person you dont need that in your life,if you are asking all these questions you are wanting him back,try to move on and not let it get to you,you deserve better then that and when u find it,you wont even think about him anymore,let him be miserable without you.one day he will come crawling back and that will be your turn to shine and give him the cold shoulder.dont waste your time.
 
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olrowe is offline olrowe Post #4  November 26,2009, 12:33pm
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I know you are looking for answers and you are hoping that his relationship cant be real. The truth is, whether its a rebound or not, is irrelevant. The only thing that matters is YOU and how do you move on. It does not matter if he leaves his new friend tomorrow, you need to move on.

Time has a way of healing the deepest scars . . . in time you will see.

All the best.
Last edited by olrowe; November 26,2009 at 1:43pm.
 
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lil_lamb is offline lil_lamb Post #5  November 26,2009, 12:44pm
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you are interesting. he is not.
 
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flowerchild66 is offline flowerchild66 Post #6  November 26,2009, 2:41pm
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I'm so sorry you're going through this!
{{{{{{{{{{{{ Hugs }}}}}}}}}}}

Whether it's a rebound or not, it's been 5 months of dealing with both the pain of rejection and the humiliation of him conducting his new relationship literally in your face where it's a constant reminder. You have to switch the focus off of what he wants and reflect on what YOU want.

Do you deserve a man who would leave you stuck with the sole responsibility of maintaining a home you intended to maintain together? Do you really want a man who could reject you and take up with another woman in your full view? Do you really want a relationship with someone who is beyond trust, a liar who justifies every lie when caught and who thinks nothing is his fault?

Your ex is an immature D Bag who ran away when faced with the responsibility of home ownership to live like a college student. He tells you one thing, tells the new GF another because he seems like one of these guys who HATES to appear as the bad guy to anyone, and who needs a constant ego stroke from a stable of women.

You can do better than him OP and if not, being temporarily alone with peace of mind is better than the turmoil this man has put you through. For your own sanity, you should enforce a strict No Contact policy with him ASAP.

Good Luck!
 
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indigirl1975 is offline indigirl1975 Post #7  November 26,2009, 2:48pm
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Actions right? Don't listen to his words only focus on what he did and is still doing...plus if he did it once he will do it again and may have done it before this one and didn't get caught.

Please let him go. He does not deserve you...I don't know you, but anyone who cheats is just not worthy.
 
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scandalous is offline scandalous Post #8  November 27,2009, 6:57pm
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Without honesty, no relationship will last, no matter how long you had been together. You know in your heart that he had lied, not just with his words, but with his actions. He has not made a demonstrated effort to make a clean break from this girl. It does not matter that he tells you he regrets it, he is still living with her.

You deserve only the best, nothing less. I was married to a man for more than 10 years who cheated on me, abused me, and little by little over time, I realized that everything he ever told me from day one was a lie. He also left me almost homeless on the street with 2 feet of snow on the ground because what money he didn't gamble away, he took with him when he left me. I was served court papers to be evicted from a house I thought we owned. Over two years later, after the divorce, I am still trying to straighten out my credit because not only did he leave me with a huge stack of debts (mostly his) he also used my personal information to commit identity fraud against me. Because the creditors can't find him, they are still coming after me to pay for everything. Even though the divorce paper says he is responsible, they just want their money.

Please protect yourself, with this regard, for your own sake, especially that you both bought a house together. It is hard to imagine that a person that you had loved so much, a person that you believed also loved you so much, could cause this much pain and heartbreak.

If you get back together with him, will you be able to trust him again? Is it worth going forward having to question everything he tells you from now on? There are some relationships that can survive infidelity, but not many. And those that do, both partners put 100% effort to restore the relationship. He can't give you 100% if he is still with this girl.

I know you are hurting, and wishing that this could all be taken back like it never happened. I have been there. I am feeling your pain and sadness.

But you are worth so much more. If you hang on to him, you will never get to know the most loving, caring, honest, honorable man that you are meant to be with. Someone who would never think to do these things like this one has done to you. He is out there, waiting to come into your life.

You gave him 10.5 years of your life, your heart, your soul. Only you know if he deserves any more of your time, your love, your life. Ask yourself if he does.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #9  November 27,2009, 9:13pm
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Oh ugh I am so sorry that you are going through this.

It would be a really tough road to be able to trust him again.

The only way that I would even consider taking him back is if he is TRULY sorry for what he did. Not just a couple of statements saying that he regrets it but that he makes some moves to let you know that he is done with the affair and wants to do whatever it takes to make it right. I wouldn't be comfortable with anything less.

I honestly would have a hard time with it. I wouldnt want to take him back unless i was sure I would be able to trust him without reservation
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #10  November 28,2009, 8:42am
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Might be a rebound, might be he's been cheating, might be he's phobic about commitment (10 years ... no marriage ... then you buy a house and he splits).

Actions, not words. He may regret what he's done ... but he's still doing it. If he were sincerely regretful, he'd stop living with her. If he wanted to get back with you, he'd be trying to do that.

If this were a 1-year relationship, I'd dump him immediately. 10 years ... I guess you have to decide whether you really would be able to trust him again if you reconciled, and whether you'd really like to have him back.

If yes, (1) require him to move out of her house, but not necessarily back into yours; (2) get couples counseling to maximize your chances of the relationship succeeding; (3) get a legal agreement in place about ownership/finances of your house. Perhaps set a time limit for how much longer you'll try to make this relationship work, and stick to it.

If no, get him off the title of your house, or sell it if you can't afford it by yourself, and move on. Give yourself time to heal. Turn to your friends and family for support. Figure out what you can learn from this relationship. Forgive yourself for any mistakes. Then start looking for a stronger and more emotionally stable man.

A sad situation ...
 
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