kelalila is offline kelalila Post #1  November 24,2009, 10:23am
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I've been dating a guy for over a year now who is perfect in almost every way. He is kind-hearted, sincere, faithful, and generally we are very compatible. However, there is one thing about his past that I am having a difficult time accepting. He supported an abortion with a girl he didn't want to be obligated to for the rest of his life. I on the other hand believe elective abortion for social reasons is very immoral. I would like to have children of my own some day and am having a hard time imagining being entirely happy knowing that he chose to terminate the life of his own offspring. The problem isn't that this thing happened, because I don't have a perfect past either, but the problem is that he says that he wouldn't take it back if he could go back and change things (although he says he believes elective abortion is wrong too). I am very morally against what he did, but I believe that without this one thing, we would be perfect for each other. Other than his past, he seems to be the most moral person that I know. I know abortion is a controversial topic so I would not like opinions on whether pro-life or pro-choice is right or wrong or any religious point of views. I just want to know what others think based solely on my particular situation and beliefs. Should I allow what I view as his one flaw to determine the fate of our relationship?
Last edited by kelalila; November 24,2009 at 11:22am. Reason: title change
 
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Dafearon is offline Dafearon Post #2  November 24,2009, 11:12am
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There will be more conflicts. No two people are "perfect" for one another. The fact that it is two people, means that there will be conflicts.

As for your dilemma, let me ask you this. Why is it so important for him to feel the same as you on controversial topics. Its obvious you two differ on the opinion of abortion. You are okay with that difference, but you are not okay because he does not feel the same way as you and regret his decision?

First off, it was his decision, and he has to live with that decision. He is fine with his decision, so why should you be alarmed by his choice or how he views it. This was before you two were together (hopefully) and it does follow his belief in this topic. There was never a point where you had a say in this decision, but you have a problem with how he is handling it?

Personally, I think the flaw is that you want him to think a certain way, and he isn't. This isn't his flaw, its yours. This isn't about morality, but about how you believe he should view his personal situation and its not agreeing with how you believe he should view his situation.
 
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ami1uwant is online now ami1uwant Post #3  November 24,2009, 11:24am
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In may relationship you are going to have issues that you disagre with. Abortion is a polarizing one that you are either for or against it and you will not change minds.

the other issue is what happened beforte wher based on what you said, he was in a relationship that eneded that he then discovered she was pregnant. Pregnancy is a common trap single women might do to men to keep them ina relationship or get them to commit.

He felt it was the right decision at the time with no regrets. You need to accept that. This is a topic you talk about for his past history and not really discuss it again.

Are you fearful that he is going to want you to get an abortion if he tells you to and you break up? It is your choice and you are in control.

How is this any different say if he happen to commit some sort of crime as a juvinile or a tenn but hasnt done anything wrong over the past 20 years?

What in your past did you do that you may not have ben proud of or he may not have approved? Turn the tables around and ask yourself how would you handle it?


As the other poster pointed out...how will you handle disagreements in the relationship?? Is it your way or the highway? Can you agree to disagree?

You are not going to find someone that agrees 100% on every point of view of yours other than yourself.
 
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Mokkesofie is offline Mokkesofie Post #4  November 24,2009, 11:24am
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He could have chosen not to tell you but he was honest and did. It was a decision taken by his ex-GF and him, a decision which for them was the right decision. It's in the past and I can't see how it should change your relationship. If we all were to be judged by what we've done in the past, we'd all be doomed.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #5  November 24,2009, 12:17pm
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Interesting post -- it's a difficult problem: the challenge to accept parts of your partner that don't gibe with your own ethics.

I'm an animal rights supporter, and it's a deep part of my belief system and values. Since most people don't support animal rights, I had to work that through for myself -- how can I trust and deeply relate to people who are doing things I believe to be morally wrong?

Well ... I can. It matters to me that my partner care about ethics. That my partner has thought about what's right and what's wrong, and tries hard to live by his code. But exactly what his code is, is not so important (within reason). It's also important to me that my partner respect my beliefs, even if he doesn't share them. Some teasing is ok -- but not ridicule. Some debating is ok -- but not demands that I change my beliefs.

I guess you have to decide whether this one thing is of huge importance to you.

I wonder if exploring with him his feelings about the abortion would help you? and not just his reasoning?
 
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Lilycat is offline Lilycat Post #6  November 24,2009, 12:41pm
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IMHO the issue here is with you, and the question is can you get past this? If you can get past this great. If you will dwell on this having happened, then eventually it will poison your relationship.

Sometimes people do things that they think are right at the time, and would not go back and change that decision, but it does colour their decisions in the future, and can change their beliefs. Life can throw some strange curves your way at times.

Give a careful read to Sassafras post above, I think there is a lot there that applies to you situation, and an example of a healthy way to approach this.

JMHO

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neardc is offline neardc Post #7  November 24,2009, 12:50pm
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It's a deal breaker for some people; it's up to you to decide if it is for you. Are your basic values compatible, or not?

It sounds to me that he and his ex-girlfriend made a considered and responsible decision during a difficult time and that is why he has no regrets, even now. The fact that they are no longer together suggests that they were indeed not ready to be parents and were not a good long-term match for each other. It's always much more difficult to make decisions during trying times than it is to have a black and white "rule" about what is right and wrong; reality can sometimes throw those rules out the door.

It would be very unfair of you to hold his decision against him in the future. If you are unable (or unwilling) to accept it, then that portends more difficulty for the two of you down the road.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #8  November 24,2009, 1:14pm
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I can only agree with everyone else and would only add one important thing - this was not a unilateral decision that he made. It was even more his ex-gf's choice than his and yes, he supported her decision, but really what was he supposed to do? Force her to have the child anyway?

As for you questioning the choice he made.....you are treading on some sensitive and dangerous territory here. Maybe he regrets the decision, maybe he does not, but maybe he must be firm in his conviction that it was the right decision just so that he can live with it - for the sake of his own sanity. I really don't think this a boat you need to be rocking. This is not an issue or a topic you should be forcing or even bringing up for debate. Either this is something you can accept about him or not. The issue and the decision is yours alone.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #9  November 24,2009, 3:17pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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I think you have to decide....do you need to modify your views to include the possibility that he is 'moral person'....or does your own view necessitate the opinion that he is actually immoral.
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #10  November 24,2009, 3:23pm

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I don't blame you for questioning this.

Do you feel that maybe he pressured her? (often we say it is more the woman's choice...but in reality we also know the woman might be heavily pressured from the man).

What is the feeling you get about the past? do you think he is 'proud' of it and has 'no regrets'?

I might be bothered by the 'no regrets' thing too. It seems to me someone who is 'real' would have some regrets, would admit it was a bad situation to be in to begin with, would take responsibility for being in that situation, and would have feelings of remorse.

I do believe that what dancing fool said is probably correct. That in order to live with himself he has to tell himself he has 'no regrets'

and I think this is the part that seems to be of importance to you too. not so much that it happened, but his attitude about it now. It is possible to have regrets, shame, and still move on with life knowing you did your best at the time with what you had.

I, personally, would be looking for that kernal of 'remorse'

if he just seemed proud of it or too out of touch with his own feelings (and hers) that he just 'had to go on with life and have "no regrets"' it would trigger my doubt response also.

I think only you can figure this out for yourself. You might need to really know him to see how he deals with problems and feelings.

It doesn't have to be a deal breaker. You just need to identify if this is someone who can process his role in situations (or must blame it on others), can feel remorse and regret, or if he has to block things out and tell himself he has no regrets...measure his sensitivity as a person. If he can pass those tests, however you identify them, I think he is probably ok for you.

If he is just really immune to this, and didn't see it as a big deal, and he thinks he just 'did the right thing' no matter what, well, then you might have a deal breaker on your hands.
 
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