Help! Am I making a mistake?


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UnderConstruction is offline UnderConstruction Post #1  November 21,2009, 10:58pm
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hopes for better weather.

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I've been in a relationship with a good man for a little over two years now. I knew right from the start that physically he didn't quite fit my picture of the ideal mate. But we got to know one another via email first, and I really liked what he had to say, and how he said it. So I decided to overlook the other stuff, and see how it might go.
After about 15 months, the superficial stuff I had tried to ignore started to bother me.
The pluses: he is sensitive, a great listener, compassionate, a great communicator, a good friend. He is intelligent and well-informed about history and current events. He finds me very attractive! and is a wonderful lover who loves to please me.
The minuses: The way he dresses, and his table manners. I guess this is a matter of different upbringing, but it does bother me! Also, he is often depressed by difficulties he is facing in his life. While in itself this is not a problem it has been ongoing for two years.

I have grown very attached to this sweet, special man. But the superficial things that bother me resurface again and again.
So, I have tried to break off with him a few times over the past year, but have not been able to make a clean break. We are very attracted to one another, and miss one another intensely, and we have wound up back together each time.

He has asked me to explain my feelings, and I have (with great difficulty) been honest about the things that bother me, and yet he is still here and willing to work on this relationship.

I am afraid that I won't find such a good, unselfish man again, or one who appreciates me and wants me as much as he does. Yes, he is not perfect (nor am I!) but at least I know where his 'warts' are. There are no guarantees with anyone new that things would be any better overall.

I suspect that if you've read this far, your advice will be to do the kind thing and let this good man go. If you think, on the other hand, that the good things make it worth putting up with the not so good things, I'd like to hear your thoughts...
I'm very confused and scared and don't want to lose a good thing for the wrong reasons.
Last edited by UnderConstruction; November 21,2009 at 11:29pm.
 
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Mokkesofie is offline Mokkesofie Post #2  November 21,2009, 11:48pm
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You say that you have "grown attached to this sweet, very special man", that you are very attracted to one another. The thing that bothers me with this is that nowhere in your post do you mention the word love or that you love him. You say you fear letting him go in case you don't find anyone better and that is incredibly selfish and not fair to him at all. If there are no feelings other than you are feeling "comfortable" with him, then I would make it a clean break and give the guy a chance to find someone that will love him - warts and all.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
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Mokkesofie is offline Mokkesofie Post #3  November 22,2009, 12:05am
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UnderConstruction wrote :
The minuses: The way he dresses, and his table manners. I guess this is a matter of different upbringing, but it does bother me!
On a lighter note. I dated someone for 2 years that was like that. It did bother me a bit in the beginning and I asked myself if I could live with someone like that but then I fell in-love with him and just loved everything about him. He often said, "you think I hung the Moon." I learned to relax more, not to look perfect all the time and that sometimes grabbing food with your hands can be damn sexy (you know the way a man grabs his food is a sign of the way he grabs his woman). I would have done anything to be able to keep my man but unfortunately it wasn't to be.
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trixie1868 is offline trixie1868 Post #4  November 22,2009, 4:36am

what the bejeezus is going on round here?!

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Dear God. Can you hear yourself?!

He wears bad trousers and his table manners lack polish!

Yet he treats you incredibly well, you miss each other "intensely" when apart and you are very attracted to each other and have a good physical relationship.



Seriously. What are you waiting for? How much better do you think things can be?
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #5  November 22,2009, 9:35am
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If a man is willing to work on things, puts your happiness up there at the same level as his own, please trust me when I tell you it doesn't get much better than that.

You can find someone who has all the superficial polish but who treats you as a convenience or a contingency plan. Would that be better?

But please, if you decide to stay, love him with all your heart, warts and all.
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #6  November 22,2009, 9:51am

has only threatened to give up

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yeah, what they said. I don't really understand the part where you say you are attracted to him, but are bothered by a lack of physical attraction.

Attraction means you are physically attracted right?

Are you afraid of what other people think of him? Because you seem to like him.
 
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LivingBetterLonger2009 is offline LivingBetterLonger2009 Post #7  November 22,2009, 10:15am
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I would stay with this man. It is hard to find someone who is understanding, asks what you are thinking, and generally lands on a good side. There are many positive things that are working for you! The part about depressive and sad situations is how you deal with them. Has he sought or been encouraged to take proactive measures?

I know when something is not going well, it can be hard to deal with. However when I come up with a plan, take positive steps, I know the sadness will not last long. It always seems though like the depressive season will never end, but it does ;c)

As long as the "superficial" things are not true deal breakers (I'd suggest checking out eH's article on relationship deal breakers), I would say keep this relationship. I'm not sure if this is the right thing to do, but if dressing/upbringing aren't a major issue, I might try to think of some things as endearing...to change my thinking to positive. What do you think?

PS
Have you made a complete dream list of what you'd like in your mate? Does he match most of them? Does what you want to accomplish in life seem a possibility (relationship/family/community)?
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel Post #8  November 22,2009, 10:17am
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would very much appreciate it if the rain would stop, now! Thanks!

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If you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it, I guess....

However, it sounds an awful lot like you're looking for perfection. These things, to me anyway, are minute in the grand scheme of things. He treats you wonderfully, and he makes you happy in every other way. I'm thinking there is more to this story if you are having second thoughts, yet have been with him for this long. If these were the true issues, you would have left this relationship long ago, imho.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #9  November 22,2009, 10:23am
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Two years seems to me to be long enough that you should either get out or commit to the relationship, unless you and he are both willing to just stay in limbo indefinitely.

The way he dresses and his table manners do seem to me like very trivial "faults", especially compared to what you list as his pluses. You're never going to find someone who has nothing "wrong" with him.

That he's been depressed for 2 years would be of more concern to me. How depressed is he? Do you mean clinically, can't get out of bed depressed, or feels sad or complains a fair amount, or what? What is he doing about being depressed? Does his level of depression interfere with his ability to have a relationship with you?

Is it possible there's something about you that makes it hard for you to commit? that really has nothing to do with this man? That might be worth exploring.

Good luck!
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #10  November 22,2009, 11:18am
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Yes, good advice from the ladies.

You ought to check other posts - you will see that you have minor problems.

I can see leaving someone if their manners are so bad they embarrass you, but your post is not clear about that.

I would probably leave over depression large enough to interfere with labor market engagement.

Personally, I do not share the views expressed above about the need to love someone. I would be content with an objectively-good person, myself. More than that feels to me like reaching too far.
 
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