lostdude is offline lostdude Post #1  November 20,2009, 11:28pm
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My "problem" with the girl who got flaky on me seems so trivial now.

I found out today that my sister's husband is having an affair, and wants to end the marriage. I heard it from my father. He said "______ found another woman" and I said "Who's _______?" (my family knows a few by this name). That is how caught off guard I was - I didn't even put the idea of "cheating" and my brother in law in the same sentence. That's how out of character I thought it was for my brother in law to do such a thing.

He pursued my sister all through high school. All through college. My sister is the reason he got a college degree. We were good friends. I had his back, he had mine. He was so selfless, he had to be to handle my sister. He took my nonsense as the crazy little brother in law.

But now this? I mean, how?! I can't even put it into words. He was my friend. He was my sister's husband. The man who pursued her for 8 years before finally getting her to date him. The man who has known her for just about 20 years.

He said he found a woman who gets him. One that makes him feel like no other has. One who he can talk to. And that's saying a lot, because he's not a talkative person. She's married, has 2 tweenage kids. My sister has no kids with her husband (thank god).

He said all kinds of stupid things to her. It's not your fault. I'm not worthy of you because I did this to you. You'll be okay, you'll find someone new. You don't have a choice in this, I've made up my mind. You're high maintenance (paraphrasing that bit).

I just don't know what to do to help my sister. I feel so helpless. She's holding up surprisingly well, but she's also known to hold emotions in. She wouldn't even let me hug her. I want to go yell at my brother in law, but what good would that do? If my sister, his parents, his sister, none of them can make a dent, what would my crazy yelling do?

I never thought they had what I would consider an ideal marriage. Neither dated anyone else. Neither has ever explored life beyond local college and dating each other. But I thought that's just their dynamic. That worked for them. My image of a marriage is just my image. I can't say I'm 100% shocked that this happened, but I'm 99.99% shocked.

How can anyone trust anyone? What can I do for my sister? Even I feel betrayed, but I know that isn't the main concern here. I've had one horrible breakup, but that's nothing compared to a nearly 2 decade long relationship...
Last edited by lostdude; November 20,2009 at 11:51pm.
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #2  November 21,2009, 12:48am
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I'm so very sorry. It feels like a betrayal of all of you, doesn't it? And maybe you feel that, since you have known your BIL so well, you should have foreseen something so you could have protected your sister (although nobody saw this coming).

So, because of your BIL's selfishness, two families are now being ripped apart... And, his story is such a tired cliche that it's laughable.

It sounds like you are already doing what you need to do to support your sister: you are letting her know that you are on her side and that you love her. She will have to deal with this in her own time and in her own way. Some people cry and scream. Some people bottle up their feelings; some just process them on their own timetable. Let her deal with it the way that works best for her (but if she falls into a depression she can't shake, then help her get help for that). She may still be in a bit of shock now, and have it hit her harder later. Let her know that she can talk with you, but don't pressure her to. Offer her practical support where she needs it.

Sometimes marriages can survive this kind of betrayal, but it takes work and committment and time. Whether it's possible here depends on both your sister and her husband (whether it's a marriage worth saving is another question).

Unfortunately, this is one of those situations where there is no magic pill that can put everything right again.
 
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indigirl1975 is offline indigirl1975 Post #3  November 21,2009, 4:41am
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The best thing you can do in my opinion is just to let your sister know you are there for her.

I feel honestly, and this is my deep down belief and you should seriously think about this...silence always speaks more. Always. To even acknowledge him is a huge waste of negative energy and time.

Since I know how you felt about getting closure on the last situation you may feel the need here too so I want to explain probably how much he is thinking about your sister=very little.

I think a lot of people leave when they have checked out of a situation and are on to the next. He probably won't care what you would have to say right now. I am not saying he won't have regrets and change his mind but...he doesn't matter anymore. He hurt someone you love and she is the only thing that is important.

I personally would just not talk to the guy-it's not going to change a thing, yelling will not change a thing. Silence like I said, even if you run into him and he tries to talk to you, I would just walk away. It's a harder thing to do but it is much more effective.

These things happen a lot, to a lot of people. Maybe the reason your sister put off dating him for so long was because in her heart, he wasn't for her. Maybe the guy just wore her down...it happens.

I wish the best for your family. Keep us posted.
 
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lostdude is offline lostdude Post #4  November 21,2009, 7:31am
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neardc wrote :
I'm so very sorry. It feels like a betrayal of all of you, doesn't it? And maybe you feel that, since you have known your BIL so well, you should have foreseen something so you could have protected your sister (although nobody saw this coming).
I've known him for almost 2/3 of my life. When I first met him, I still remember thinking how mental he was: as a high schooler he pursued her with 24k gold dipped roses, giant FAO schwartz stuffed animals (and we all know FAO stuff costs $$$$$), and other intense smothering things.

But we grew close over these many years. I literally told him in the past, you are a brother to me. In some ways more of a brother than my actual brother.

neardc wrote :
So, because of your BIL's selfishness, two families are now being ripped apart... And, his story is such a tired cliche that it's laughable.
he sounds like a hormonal teenage boy right now.

while i can understand having stray feelings, when one takes the vow of marriage, the very least you can do is try to fix things. he never once did. my sister was completely blind sided by this.

neardc wrote :
She may still be in a bit of shock now, and have it hit her harder later. Let her know that she can talk with you, but don't pressure her to. Offer her practical support where she needs it.
thinking back to my rough breakup, i think this is very possible. the first few days after the breakup, i was holding tough, going "F*** her! that crazy b****!!!!" and then it took 8 months to stop being sad. so weird.

neardc wrote :
Sometimes marriages can survive this kind of betrayal, but it takes work and committment and time. Whether it's possible here depends on both your sister and her husband (whether it's a marriage worth saving is another question).
horrible as it sounds, i personally don't want this marriage to survive. he's a punk. i don't want any possible nieces or nephews to have any of his punk-traits

indigirl1975 wrote :
The best thing you can do in my opinion is just to let your sister know you are there for her.
i think came to i realize this last night, sitting with her as my family went into "sister support mode" (everyone came home as soon as they could), but it still makes me feel so helpless. i think back to my rough times, and what my friends did for me. they just let me have a place to sit, and have people near me. they went about their thing (even got in arguments around me), but i still felt better because they were just there. so even though just being around make me feel helpless, i hope it helps my sister...

indigirl1975 wrote :
Since I know how you felt about getting closure on the last situation you may feel the need here too so I want to explain probably how much he is thinking about your sister=very little.
heh heh. this is how i know i was wrong w/ the previous closure thing: i don't want my sister to talk to him. at all. he made up his mind, nothing SHE can say will change it. he may change it on his own, but what she says won't matter.


indigirl1975 wrote :
I personally would just not talk to the guy-it's not going to change a thing, yelling will not change a thing. Silence like I said, even if you run into him and he tries to talk to you, I would just walk away. It's a harder thing to do but it is much more effective.
i don't want anyone in this family to talk to him. actually, i feel the need to let EVERYONE in his life know what he did. his family already knows. but his coworkers. his car buddies. i've met them all (that's how close we were...i've met all his friends and coworkers, and most of his cousins...and i'm just the younger brother in law)...and i want them all to know he's a cowardly lying cheating jerk.

if he goes through with all this, i hope that in 20 years, he looks back and realizes what a complete tool and a**hole he was. he words he says makes him seem like he realizes it right now. but i don't think he really does.

my sister had a stable (although boring) job. since it was boring, she wanted something new and exciting, and hopefully better paying. so she started a medical assistant program. she took 1 year leave of absence, so that if she didn't like it, she'd have a job waiting for her. after that one year, she did a lot of soul searching, and decided to quit her job and keep pressing forward with the 2nd year of medical assistant training. which means right now, she has no income. no insurance. no savings. no means of financial support besides a part time job that pays for gas. all this because he said he would support her while she got her certification. grrrrrrrrrrrrr

and thank you for your replies and advice. even though this isn't about me, i feel better this morning. all the little "crises" in my life are so absolutely trivial now.
Last edited by lostdude; November 21,2009 at 7:37am.
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #5  November 21,2009, 7:43am
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I think it helps in a situation like this to focus only on what you can do.

You can't change BIL. You can't fix the situation. But you can help ease your sister's burden by being there for her. Invite her to dinner. Help her with some of life's chores. Surprise her now and then with a gift or a card. You know her best. Do what you can to lift her spirits.
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #6  November 21,2009, 7:48am
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Also, how many years were they married? Did I see 20 years in there somewhere? If they were married that long, she has a lot of options for getting through this financially. She needs a good attorney to help her obtain an equitable split of the property and short-term maintenance so she can finish her degree and have health insurance.
 
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lostdude is offline lostdude Post #7  November 21,2009, 8:01am
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nightling wrote :
Also, how many years were they married? Did I see 20 years in there somewhere? If they were married that long, she has a lot of options for getting through this financially. She needs a good attorney to help her obtain an equitable split of the property and short-term maintenance so she can finish her degree and have health insurance.
they've known each other for nearly 20, but only married for about 3 or 4 years. my sister pushed off the marriage because she wanted to finish school and get settled into a career before tying the knot.

and yes, i will just stick around and let her know i'm here for her. i tend to get discouraged when people turn down my support, but for her i know i need to learn more patience and tough it through with her.
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #8  November 21,2009, 8:45am

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The best thing that you can do is to say nothing or do anything that might upset her! Just be their for her and when she wants to talk about it she will, Just be the supporting rock that she may need lean on.

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Diann1950 is offline Diann1950 Post #9  November 21,2009, 8:58am
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The jerk doesn't even deserve your attention. Let your sister know that you can be with her and not even mention him unless she brings it up. She is surrounded by too much in the way of reminders right now. That may be part of the reason she is a little distant, you are very tied up with him in her mind. Give it time, let people around him find out in their own time. Handle it with class, like she seems to be doing, and he will look even worse to those who know him. Remember living well is the best revenge.
 
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dnnmllr is offline dnnmllr Post #10  November 21,2009, 9:09am
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lostdude wrote :
My "problem" with the girl who got flaky on me seems so trivial now.

I found out today that my sister's husband is having an affair, and wants to end the marriage. I heard it from my father. He said "______ found another woman" and I said "Who's _______?" (my family knows a few by this name). That is how caught off guard I was - I didn't even put the idea of "cheating" and my brother in law in the same sentence. That's how out of character I thought it was for my brother in law to do such a thing.

He pursued my sister all through high school. All through college. My sister is the reason he got a college degree. We were good friends. I had his back, he had mine. He was so selfless, he had to be to handle my sister. He took my nonsense as the crazy little brother in law.

But now this? I mean, how?! I can't even put it into words. He was my friend. He was my sister's husband. The man who pursued her for 8 years before finally getting her to date him. The man who has known her for just about 20 years.

He said he found a woman who gets him. One that makes him feel like no other has. One who he can talk to. And that's saying a lot, because he's not a talkative person. She's married, has 2 tweenage kids. My sister has no kids with her husband (thank god).

He said all kinds of stupid things to her. It's not your fault. I'm not worthy of you because I did this to you. You'll be okay, you'll find someone new. You don't have a choice in this, I've made up my mind. You're high maintenance (paraphrasing that bit).

I just don't know what to do to help my sister. I feel so helpless. She's holding up surprisingly well, but she's also known to hold emotions in. She wouldn't even let me hug her. I want to go yell at my brother in law, but what good would that do? If my sister, his parents, his sister, none of them can make a dent, what would my crazy yelling do?

I never thought they had what I would consider an ideal marriage. Neither dated anyone else. Neither has ever explored life beyond local college and dating each other. But I thought that's just their dynamic. That worked for them. My image of a marriage is just my image. I can't say I'm 100% shocked that this happened, but I'm 99.99% shocked.

How can anyone trust anyone? What can I do for my sister? Even I feel betrayed, but I know that isn't the main concern here. I've had one horrible breakup, but that's nothing compared to a nearly 2 decade long relationship...
If he wishes to "end his marriage" (because he allowed for "distraction") then it is only fair.....he do it the right way. (Infidelity is not the right way).

Forget everything else.....he needs to look into the "appropriate channels" to be certain he "wants out". Right now..... his distractions, because he has allowed for these, are many and to be "fair" to his spouse, girl friend ( I can not believe I am using this term) and himself....it is necessary to "address" the issue(s) of "not getting him".

....this is only to be done by his wife and himself. I believe if he and his wife get to the "place of understanding"(i.e. communicating the issues, example = "not getting him").....a relationship may be saved. (The desired outcome is.....celebrating reconciliation).

My hope is they do get to a place of reconciliation. Pray.

I wish you well.
Last edited by dnnmllr; November 21,2009 at 9:32am. Reason: formatting
 
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