Unique3107 is offline Unique3107 Post #1  November 19,2009, 11:08pm
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I've been seeing this guy for about a month and a half. very goodlooking, motivated and funny. but the problem is, we started it off very backward. In simplier words, its pretty much a bootycall.
We made this mutual agreement of being friends with benifits. we only hang out for that reason and we dont tell anyone about us because we both are freshly out of longterm relationships.(we live in a very small town)
but it gets even more complicated. i know he still has feelings for his ex girlfriend. I was ok with all of this in the begining. because i related to where he was coming from. considering we were both in the same shoes.
but now im feeling like i might want more. but i am scared i will scare him away if i just speak my mind. i really dont know what to do. Im not even sure if its possible to reverse a bootycall and start dating eachother. because i have never been in a situation like this. any advice right now would be helpful!!!
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #2  November 20,2009, 8:45am
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all I'll leave are smoke rings in the dark.

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Physical intimacy can develop affection in men, so yes over time it's quite possible it could become more. But unless you always saw him as potential long-term material, I would pull back if I were you. Sexual intimacy tends to build affection more rapidly for women because of the release of hormones like oxytocin. Same hormone that's released during birth that promotes instant love for a squalling pink blob of baby. When you've let that kind of mindless affection build up for someone by sleeping with them, you really need to step back and think logically about whether this person truly suits you or whether you're just minimizing his flaws and/or incompatibilities because of that attachment you've allowed to build. If he doesn't really fit you, down the road there's likely only going to be misery.

As far as broaching the subject, I think it best not to. When he changes his mind, he will let you know and if you bring it up and he's not ready for that, it's likely going to drive him away. Best thing you could probably do is start seeing other people and show him that he could lose you if he doesn't step up.

Best of luck to you.
Last edited by nightling; November 20,2009 at 10:32am. Reason: well after all oxytocin oxycontin what's the difference? Both are addicting! Thanks Roxy for pointing out the error.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #3  November 20,2009, 8:53am
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I'm crippled by the fear That I've fallen too far to love

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I am sure that a great many are going to disagree with me on this one but ........

It is unlikely that a purely sexual relationship is going to turn into an emotionally based committed long term relationship. This is a concept that women tend to believe or hope for.
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #4  November 20,2009, 8:57am
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
I am sure that a great many are going to disagree with me on this one but ........

It is unlikely that a purely sexual relationship is going to turn into an emotionally based committed long term relationship. This is a concept that women tend to believe or hope for.
This is also a true scenario. I didn't delve into the incredible waste of time it can be lingering in one of these FWB situations hoping things will one day change ... I was focusing more on the are you really sure you want THIS guy.

Six of one, a dozen of another. She could just say I'm developing too much affection for you. If you'd like to make this more, I'm interested, but if not, I'm going to move on. That approach tends to close options. I tend to prefer solutions that keep options open.
Last edited by nightling; November 20,2009 at 11:43am. Reason: Or just maybe closing the door on this would really open up all the better options ... even if it hurts in the short run.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #5  November 20,2009, 9:07am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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A very common story....a woman agrees to have a strictly sexual relationship without any strings attached....and a little while later she starts wanting more. I think it's unlikely that you're wanting more with him now will inspire anything in him other than wanting to get away from you.
 
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trixie1868 is offline trixie1868 Post #6  November 20,2009, 9:38am

what the bejeezus is going on round here?!

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A month and a half isn't very long. I know 'love' can kinda spring up and surprise you but maybe wait a little bit longer and see if your feelings are real.

But then, I think if it were me, I'd tell him that although I know I'd signed up for a sex only thing that I was beginning to have feelings for him.

If he does too then that's great. Enjoy. Real relationships do spring up out of casual sex and I bet we all know of at least one couple example of this in our friendship groups.

If he doesn't have feelings for you he'll stop the sex. If you have feelings for him and he has no way of returning them then you need to stop having sex with him because it won't make you less emotionally committed. Of course this will sting but no where near as much as if you allow it to carry on and then have to face the fact that he can't love you six months down the line when you'll be really invested.

Hope it works out.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #7  November 20,2009, 9:51am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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trixie1868 wrote :
But then, I think if it were me, I'd tell him that although I know I'd signed up for a sex only thing that I was beginning to have feelings for him.
He'll be expecting that to happen eventually. At least, it's in the Man Handbook to expect a woman in this situation to start wanting more. Though, usually this is shown indirectly in ways such as wanting to spend more time together, communicating more frequently etc. That's when many guys will bail in such a situation.
 
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trixie1868 is offline trixie1868 Post #8  November 20,2009, 10:24am

what the bejeezus is going on round here?!

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You're right Jayjay.

I know this is true because it confuses the hell out of them if you don't want to spend more time with them / don't want to talk about the future / don't seek more frequent contact. That 'handbook' has done more harm than good in my opinion.
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #9  November 20,2009, 12:10pm

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Actually you have the best of both worlds or as Napoleon said to his lady, since we are a bone apart there is something that I would like to speak to you about! You have his ear and his undivided attention without the distraction of the outside world.

You currently are becoming his love interest, if your smart you'll get whatever you want and if your not, no one has any use for a dumb woman! Got it? When your on top of your game, you can ask him out for a dinner date or some activity you just out fox him and plan activities jointly that do not reflect poorly on the both of you in your smallville

Harvey7.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #10  November 20,2009, 1:00pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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trixie1868 wrote :
You're right Jayjay.

I know this is true because it confuses the hell out of them if you don't want to spend more time with them / don't want to talk about the future / don't seek more frequent contact. That 'handbook' has done more harm than good in my opinion.
Yes...without the Handbook most of us are lost and bewildered.
 
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