My boyfriend never compliments me, but compliments others


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tweety83 is offline tweety83 Post #1  November 19,2009, 5:56am
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Hi,

I've been together with my boyfriend for over 1 year now. And one thing that bothers me is that he never compliments me, but he compliments other women. I've said to him that I'd like to hear a compliment every now and then, but he said it's hard for him to compliment me.

At the same time, he's been saying that his ex-girlfriends all are very beautiful, so I've been feeling really ugly compared to them. Now recently I saw pictures of two of these girls, and they are just normal! No supernatural beauties, as I had the impression that they were. It just feels so weird. If he doesn't have a problem telling me and everyone else that those girls are so pretty, why is he having a hard time talking about me as a pretty girl?

I do have low self-esteem, and he knows that, so it's upsetting that he acts that way. So why does he continue to act in this way?
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #2  November 19,2009, 8:26am
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It's probable that he did the same thing to his previous gfs too. And if you break up he'll tell the next one how beautiful you were.

What do you think would be the payoff for him, in treating you and other women this way? You know him better than people on this board do. Hypothetical possibilities I can think of are things like:
- it keeps you feeling insecure which for some reason makes him feel good
- it's an indirect expression of anger at you and other women
- it makes his gfs feel like they're too ugly to get a different bf so they won't leave him

???

Please don't just say "I do have low self-esteem and he knows that" ... find ways to work on improving your self-esteem! Low self-esteem is not a personality trait you can't do anything about ... it's a state of mind that can change. Good luck!
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #3  November 19,2009, 9:10am
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It's a controlling power trip meant to errode whatever personal self-esteem and self-respect you have left for yourself. Essentially so that he can be a jerk, do whatever he wants and you'll be too insecure to ever leave him. Do you really want to be with someone like that?

Also, what the above poster said, get out and find yourself and work on your self worth. Your selfworth is determined by you personally and not anyone else. Everyone else will value you exactly how you value yourself. If you believe you are an amazing person worth having then that's who you are. If you believe you are a nobody, that's how you'll be treated. People will not dispute whatever value you assign to yourself.
 
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ami1uwant is online now ami1uwant Post #4  November 19,2009, 9:43am
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I need to see the bigger picture.....maybe I have a different take on this.

If these ex gfs were chance meeting and he paid them a compliment...just to be polite and nice should be taken with a grain of salt. If he sees them often and complements them and talks to them a bit then that may mean something different.


I am one who doesnt compliment much...the reason is I have a mild form od aspergers so making complements is difficult . I have to mean a complement from the bottom of my heart to say it. I dont use complements like handing out flyers on the street.

The other piece of this. What ahave his actions been during the relationship? He may not give complements but does he do really nice romantic things? Will freely say "I love you"?

The last thing you want to do is point out this flaw constantly because any futute compleiment feels hallow where it feels forced and I have to say it because she told me to and not because I meant it.
 
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knittingtakesballs is offline knittingtakesballs Post #5  November 19,2009, 11:04am
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tweety83 wrote :
Hi,

I've been together with my boyfriend for over 1 year now. And one thing that bothers me is that he never compliments me, but he compliments other women. I've said to him that I'd like to hear a compliment every now and then, but he said it's hard for him to compliment me.

At the same time, he's been saying that his ex-girlfriends all are very beautiful, so I've been feeling really ugly compared to them. Now recently I saw pictures of two of these girls, and they are just normal! No supernatural beauties, as I had the impression that they were. It just feels so weird. If he doesn't have a problem telling me and everyone else that those girls are so pretty, why is he having a hard time talking about me as a pretty girl?

I do have low self-esteem, and he knows that, so it's upsetting that he acts that way. So why does he continue to act in this way?
I think you have done the right thing by at least letting him know how you felt on this subject. I think you'd agree that it wouldn't be nice if he was complimenting you ONLY due to the expectation you have that he should do it. Men like this baffle me...

I was in a semi-similar experience. I dated a guy who was my boyfriend when I was 14, but the time I was dating him I was 23. We hung out every night, slept over at each others houses, we went everywhere together and I felt that I paid him MANY compliments, on both his looks and telling him how I felt about him. It was never excessive or weird, I presented my verbal affections very appropriately. He did reciprocate them but it was quite rare and infrequent. Sometimes we'd go to our downtown area for a night of 80's music and dancing, and I remember being surrounded by girls that were, phyiscally, more his type than me: tall, slender, pale, lots of tattoos and peircings. While I am, I feel, an attractive young lady, it made me so upset when he would openly share who he felt was "scrumptious" when he didn't pay me nearly as many compliments on my looks or personality as he would others, furthermore it ultimately feel he wasn't truly interested in ME, like I was the stand-by. I know however, I have too many valuable things to offer to be someone's backup plan.

I went on that rant only to say, you need to question what his lack of verbal affection means to you, and FOR you. I don't think you can do that without openly discussing the deeper meaning behind it with him. The reason I say this is perhaps you feel that his lack of affections and compliments equate to he cares for you less than he did for previous flames. Perhaps that is the case. However, I do believe some men just have a difficult time opening up, even to the extent of this verbal affection. Maybe he finds you incredibly attractive, just like previous girlfriends, but have you considered perhaps he didn't compliment them either? Maybe that's just not how he shows his appreciation for your appearance. I know that, like you, I enjoy receiving compliments. Okay, I underexaggerated, I like to be SHOWERED with compliments, a little more than "now and again" but not to the point its so sweet I wanna puke. Consider that he may never have been a verbally affectionate person, discuss with him what it makes you feel about the relationship, and if ultimately it's a dealbreaker for you, address it in that context.
 
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Doctora2012 is offline Doctora2012 Post #6  November 19,2009, 3:29pm
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Wow.....your boyfriend sounds like a huge jerk. It's one thing not to compliment you (which may be ok, some people are comfortable giving complements and others are not), BUT it's a completely different matter if he's comparing you to his previous girlfriends and talking about how beautiful they were.

There are numerous reasons why he may be doing this, but given that we only have control over our own actions, I'd highly encourage you to end the conversation the next time he starts comparing you with others. If they were so incredible, then ask him why he's no longer with them? I'd leave the door open for him to go back to them, and I'd move on without him. There's no need why anyone should tolerate comments like the ones he's made to you. It's great that you have a healthy self-esteem, but ensure his comments don't start adversely affecting your self-concept.

I hope he realizes he's running a huge risk of losing you if he continues acting like this. If he doesn't appreciate you, then somebody else will. You're likely to fall for the next guy who walks into your life and makes you feel as special as you deserve. This isn't an ultimatum that you should give your guy, but any intelligent man would understand this is likely. It's in our nature to gravitate towards people with whom we feel good to be around. Keep your heart and eyes open.....don't settle down with this guy anytime soon

....Best wishes
 
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Alli824 is online now Alli824 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #7  November 19,2009, 5:06pm
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I'm with DancingFool. Big control factor here. I used to date one of these jerks. Every decent girlfriend had walked, and the idea was to make me feel insecure and unworthy so that I wouldn't. He would even make snide comments about my house - which incidentally is in a very desirable community, and really quite lovely if I say so myself.

When he realized I wasn't crumbling, he told me that he couldn't be the man I wanted - in essence he did me a favor - I've since heard he's found a replacement that he passively aggressively manages.
 
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javajava5 is offline javajava5 Post #8  November 19,2009, 7:17pm
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Dear Tweety83,

Welcome to eHarmony Advice (eHA) and thanks for posting.

Am so very sorry to hear how you're being treated!

You ask, "So why does he continue to act in this way?"

It's pretty simple really. He has very low self-esteem and by making you feel badly, it makes him feel better as he's making you lower than he is so he can feel superior.

Additionally, he lacks basic kindness, people skills, relationship skills, and seems passive-aggressive. He enjoys witholding from you what you'd like so he has a bit of cruelty about him in a passive sort of way.

He also may suffer some form of attachment disorder and can't bond properly with people he's supposed to like / love and / or have a relationship with.

The thing is, if you were to become his ex-girlfriend. like all the others, when he described you to his new girlfriend, you'd be one of the "beautiful" former girlfriends as his ego's so low he has to puff himself up by claiming to have only had beautiful ex-girlfriends.

Your man has some major psychological problems and you're not going to fix him. You can't and he doesn't want to get help. He doesn't care about your feelings for if he did, he'd pay attention to what you're saying to him and how it's making you feel.

He's selfish and self-centered and will never be able to give you want you need and deserve in a relationship unless he gets some significant help which is doubtful that he will as he will not think he has a problem. Those kind of people always think the problem is with the other person, not themselves.

You will be miserable if you continue with him and if you were to go on and marry him, you'd have such an unhappy marriage.

Perhaps you stay with him because, as you mention, you do suffer from low self-esteem and maybe feel you do not deserve and / or could not get anyone who actually treats you with dignity, respect, and if able to compliment you in a genuine fashion, not to mention exhibit true love to you.

What is true love you may ask?

This is from the author of love, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." I Corinthians 13: 4 - 8, New International Version, Holy Bible

Please reflect on the following to help boost your self-esteem:

1. The Bible tells you that YOU were made in the very image of God.

2. God doesn't make mistakes - ever!

3. God made you exactly the way He wanted you to be.

4. God made you wondrously.

5. No one is better or worse than you are. YOU are EQUAL to everyone else in this entire world by virtue of who God make YOU to be. God did not make one person to be more special than another person except for His son, the God-man, Jesus Christ, God in the flesh. As a human, Jesus suffered just as we suffer.

6. God does not love you any more or less than He loves everyone.

7. Read this passage from Psalm 139 daily for at least a month. It will help you to see how very wonderful and special you really are:

"1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, [a] you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and
wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to [b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.

21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?

22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting."

(bold and underline emphasis mine in above quote)

Dear lady, you must break-up with this man. He is not good for you and is what is known as emotionally abusive to you. This is a form of emotional abuse, even though you most likely do not realize it.

You have probably never heard of "The Wheel of Power and Control," but please go to this website and read a bit about it so you can begin to have an understanding of what is happening to you. Sadly, it's not going to get any better with him.

Here's the link: http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Abuser/wheel.htm

Under the "Emotional Abuse" category, you will see he is withholding approval from you, despite knowing how very much you want genuine compliments.

This man does not deserve you. You will always feel lowly around him and he only feeds into your low self-esteem. You and he are what is known as co-dependent with each other. You need him to continue to make you feel lowly, and he needs you because he feels so lowly that he needs to make you feel even lower so he can be a bit higher than you and therefore feel better.

There's a book you may want to get from the library on inter-library loan: Love is a Choice: The Definitive Book on Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships, by Dr.'s Robert Hemfelt, Frank Minirth and Paul Meier.

Make sure you get mentally and emotionally before you get involved with anyone else so that you don't end up with the same kind of guy again that can't meet your needs for love, respect, approval, dignity, etc.

Have you considered going to really good counseling by a licensed, professional counselor? That person could help you work on your low self-esteem and provide support to you while you get out of this abusive relationship. A relationship does not have to be physically abusive to be abusive as there's other forms of abuse such as mental, emotional, sexual, economic, isolation, using children and / or pets, intimidating, making threats, etc.

Please do these things for you well-being and be sure to write and let us know how you're doing. You do not deserve to be treated this way and he is NOT going to change. Break it off for your own well-being, peace-of-mind, and sanity! You will only be miserable with this man. Do not think that is your lot in life - it is not!

Remember, God made you wondrously and He did not have this type of relationship in mind for you. He wants your very best and this is not it; indeed, it's quite far from it!

JavaJava5
Last edited by javajava5; November 19,2009 at 7:25pm.
 
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tweety83 is offline tweety83 Post #9  November 19,2009, 11:04pm
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First of all, thank you so much for all the answers! I think, as you guys have mentioned, that I need to really talk to him about this and make it clear that I do not appreciate the situation. Maybe he really hasn't understood yet how much this thing gets to me.

Probably it has something to do with how I see myself also, as one of you mentioned. I really need to work on my self-esteem, I know that.

In the end I know deep down that if this continues, I won't be happy and for my own sake I have to leave him. I just hope that it won't come to that.

Thanks again for the answers!
 
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hazmat is offline hazmat Post #10  November 21,2009, 10:24am
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Until you get the self esteem issues in order, it won't make much difference if he (or anyone else) compliments you, because deep down you won't believe them anyway.

You can change yourself, but trying to change someone who doesn't see the problem you're having is a losing proposition.
 
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