Stay in or get out?????


View Poll Results: Is 7+ yrs too long to wait on someone going through rehab off and on and you have a child together?
yes 9 50.00%
no 0 0%
depends on whole situation 5 27.78%
move on and get out!!!! 7 38.89%
you'll do better without him 4 22.22%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 18. You may not vote on this poll

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rolee is offline rolee Post #1  November 19,2009, 3:57am
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Wandering if I am to stay in this relationship or get out..... I've been with this guy for 7 yrs. We have a 3yr old son together. There is an 10 yr age difference with him being older. He does not live with our son and I. He lives in a halfway house due to his problems with drugs and alcohol... He has had issues with this off and on throughout our relationship. Now before you say anything..... This is not the issue.... I love him dearly.... But we are both getting older..... And I'm getting a lil bit tired of his foolishness.... U get lil jobs... and u don't feel the need to financially help us out..... U have responsibilities..... Not just my son. But he has a daughter that I love! (but him and his exwife...... whole nother situation) Its all lately with a lot of arguing and not enjoying each other when we are together. I'm getting a lil fed up with it all and his disregard to take care of us and I'm taking care of him and helping him out as well as being there for him...... Last two months I've really needed him and he disregards it.......... I can go on and on with this... Someone help.
 
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kevin76 is offline kevin76 Post #2  November 19,2009, 11:11am
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Do you see any signs that it will ever get better?
Only you know how much you are willing to endure, and what your chances are that it will be worth it in the end.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #3  November 19,2009, 2:30pm
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He is who he is and what he is. If you are finally and at long last realizing that this is not working out for you or is not good for you then the simple option is to get out and move on.
 
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indigirl1975 is offline indigirl1975 Post #4  November 19,2009, 2:52pm
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I always try this equation take the man in your head, take his behavior and times that by 50 years. Can you handle x for 50 years.

Only you can decide what you are willing to put up with.
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #5  November 19,2009, 4:36pm
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if you haven't been to al-anon please, for you and your child, go..go.

The recidivism rate for drug abusers and alcoholics was over 80% the last time I looked at statistics. Sadly, as a group, they don't make for good partners.
I've been there, done that and have a 45 year old 'adult child of an alcoholic' son to show for my enduring the situation for too long.

You have done 7 long years-very supportive-but now you have to take care of yourself, your child and your future as a single parent.

Move on-have no expectations and quit making yourself ill with hope.
 
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Alli824 is online now Alli824 Post #6  November 19,2009, 5:55pm
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What are the pluses in this relationship? Any?
 
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pinkpoodle is offline pinkpoodle Post #7  November 20,2009, 4:55pm
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In my opinion, 7 years is long enough to stand by someone's side and be supportive. I understand that he is struggling with a difficult issue BUT, he has had 7 years to try and work on it. You can help him by being there for him which it sounds like you have, but he has to help himself and it doesn't sound like he is. Unfortunately, I have observed alot of people in my town that have the same type of issues-usually alcohol- and even in 10 or 15 years those people just have gotten worse. They have made it a lifestyle and they have made it into who they are. They seem to blame the rest of the world for why bad things happen to them or why they have bad luck. It's always someone else's fault, they are always the victim.
You have done the right thing, by standing by him. But it sounds like you are at the point now where the old saying about "extend an olive branch) comes in. If you offer your hand to someone who is drowning, they are likely to pull you in and you drown too, but if you extend an olive branch, you can help them without dragging yourself down. I was married for 12 years to someone who had "issues" and I stood by his side because that's what I believed was right and I didn't think I could face myself in the mirror if I turned my back on him. Well, 3 years later after divorcing him, I look back with no regrets because I did the morally correct thing so I can live with myself but, I have to tell you, he took me down to the lowest point in my life and I lost everything because of his issues. I'm not with him anymore, I don't have to deal with the daily drama he created and I don't miss it a bit. I just think to myself now "what took me so long, this is sooooo much better without his daily issues".

Good luck to you. It's going to be hard at first. You will hurt like crazy but keep remembering that time will pass and time will heal that terrible feeling and soon be replaced with something better.
 
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scandalous is offline scandalous Post #8  November 21,2009, 6:30pm
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is happy.

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If I were in your shoes, I would take a good hard look at everything and decide: What do I want? What do I need? What do I want for our son? What do I not want for our son? Then ask, is this man meeting any of my wants and needs for me and our son?

If there are more no's than yes's, then you have your answer. It does not mean that you have to stop loving him. It does not mean that you have to keep hanging in there to be there for him. You saw he was not there for you when you needed him most. You can still love him as a friend and the father of your child, but it doesn't mean you have to continue to sacrifice your heart and time.

Only you know what is best. Good luck!
 
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misswright is offline misswright Post #9  November 23,2009, 9:35pm

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I SAY IT'S BEST THAT[ YOU MOVE ON .].....THIS JUST MY VIEW POINT...... I PERSONALLY BEEN THEIR AND THINGS DONOT ALWAYS GET BETTER.. AND I THINK YOU ALREADY HAD SOME THINGS THAT YOU DONOT WANT TO FACE RIGHT NOW.. SOUND LIKE YOU ARE SECOND GUESSING YOUR SELF AND NEED SOMEONE TO SAY IT OK.. BUT YOU AREADY KNOW THE ANSWER
 
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Dafearon is offline Dafearon Post #10  November 24,2009, 9:29am
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It really isn't about the time you've been together. Its a simple "Will he ever be what you want him to be?" and "Can you accept him as he is today?"

If the answer is no for either of those questions, then 1 year, or 100 years, you will not be happy. The thing is, you can never change someone. The only person who can do that is him. You've seen the track record. Is this something you can deal with, or even tolerate?

At some point, you have to make a decision for yourself. You either accept him the way he is today, and not hope for change, or decide he will never be what you want, and move on.
 
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