Frustrated & Confused: Is He A Sexual Addict???


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sissa is offline sissa Post #1  November 16,2009, 7:06pm
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Recently I have come to the realization that my partner may have a sexual addiction. At the beginning it went unnoticed because like all couples, we couldn't keep our hands off of each other. But as the sexual "spark" waned, his remained constant. He consistently bargains with me to get him off in some way, for example, he will ask me to later give him oral sex for picking up the tab at the restaurant we are currently eating at. Or he will let me pick out a present or give me money in exchange for intercourse. Sometimes when he is intoxicated he uses force to get what he wants, but when he is sober and I refuse to be sexual with him, he starts a fight or tells me I am not doing my job as the woman in the relationship to keep him satisfied, even though his needs are excessive and exhausting. He doesn't believe me when I tell him he has impacted my ability to be intimate, I feel less attracted to him because of his constant pleading. He cannot go one full day without mentioning sex. He feels the need to map out all sexual conquests hours before I even get home from work, like a guarantee he will get off that night. He has admitted to paying up to 300 dollars at a time at rub and tugs when he went through sexual droughts as a single man, he is aroused by pornography that is disgusting and wrong (in my opinion), and still refuses to accept that he may have a problem. What do I do??!!??
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #2  November 18,2009, 10:51am

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Why does he have to be a sexual addict? The major issue or problem is: "As my sexual "spark" waned, his remained constant".

You have changed you no longer have to perform to keep him sexually satisfied, but your mental an emotional outlook have also changed or turned off. But he has remained constant. Why did you marry such a highly sexed guy? Most likely your body may be going through some changes and possibly need a check up by your GYN. or female Viagra or Cialis to increase your sexuality?

The last alternative would be some couples counseling to understand the mental and emotional needs that drive his sexuality and seem to have an adverse effect on you?

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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #3  November 18,2009, 1:48pm
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Face it...often men have a stronger sex drive than women.

While mens hormonal level is pretty much a straight line, going down with age or medical issues, women's fluxuate almost daily, depending on where they are in their cycle with different hormones triggering different sexual reactions...it's a lot biology and a little psychology. As a sex, most women are also triggered by the need for petting and romance to feel desired enough to want sex..after the initial "always hot for you" period.

I don't think it's right to say "you changed but he didn't", Harvey. Women can't help their changing hormone levels - no more than a man can help getting a hard on when sexually attracted.

And suggesting female Viagra is specious . HRT sounded good..keep the women young the (male) scientists and doctors told menopausal women 30 years ago, with disastrous results to many now.

What partners do is sunderstand and work towards compromise with each other, not bribe and blame and argue and push and generally look for a way to not be the one who is at fault in a problem.

As a "partner", a mature man shouldn't barter sexual favors for presents or money. That set you up as something other than a 'partner' in this relationship-which is ok if that was the understanding from the get go...and if not than you have some decisions to make.

Is this something you need/want to keep doing?
What are you getting from it? Are you with holding sex as a form of control? Honestly look at the situation and assess where you want to go with that you learn.
I agree that some sort of couples therapy is going to be needed if you want to continue in this relationship.

Dr Roxy has spoke
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #4  November 18,2009, 2:21pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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The 'paying' and 'forcing' sound bizarre or even criminal. His 'talking about' or wanting to have sex every day sound reasonable.
 
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trackstar is offline trackstar Post #5  November 18,2009, 3:30pm
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Agreed with jayjay. . .and quite understandable why you would not be attracted to someone who would force sex on you. Can you talk him into couples therapy, under the guise that you want help? And maybe a therapist could convince him his behavior is not right? Or is this a totally lost cause?

Good luck. I've been there. . .I had an ex that eventually got help after I caught him stalking porn stars and having phone sex with classmates. . . Don't listen to the people that tell you it's just your problem. When you start to feel like he doesn't see you as a person, but just an end to fulfill a mechanical, constant need. . .blech, gross, total turnoff. Probably has nothing to do with your "drive".
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #6  November 18,2009, 3:57pm
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sissa wrote :
What do I do??!!??

One of two things:

Find a partner more compatible with your tastes.

Find a professional to deal with your discord in this area.

From what you describe I think he is out of line with his attitude - but I doubt he will change, even if you try to negotiate. So, I think your best option is to leave.
 
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Emme is offline Emme Post #7  November 18,2009, 4:45pm

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Forcing you or in any way making you feel like you must have sex with him is WRONG. WRONG. It's not even rationally arguable. It shows an incredible amount of disrespect to you, and, were I you, I would feel like a sperm receptical. No thanks.If this doesn't feels right to you, then it isn't. I'd get away from this guy, and I rarely give such direct advice.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #8  November 18,2009, 5:10pm
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When the act of sex replaces the person you are having sex with as the top priority, there's an issue. There is also the very real issue of differences in drive, but I agree with Emme. Forcing sex on a partner is never okay. It is, in fact, criminal behavior and indefensible.

I'm not qualified to say whether he's an addict or not but, even without the force, it does sound to me like sexual dysfunction if it's interfering with a normal relationship. I personally would not feel comfortable with a man who was so focused on "getting off" as oppposed to having a relationship.

And I second the idea of ignoring those who say it is your problem. It most definitely is not.
Last edited by littlebluemonkeymind; November 18,2009 at 5:19pm.
 
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PR_Princess is offline PR_Princess Post #9  November 18,2009, 6:03pm
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sissa wrote :
Recently I have come to the realization that my partner may have a sexual addiction. At the beginning it went unnoticed because like all couples, we couldn't keep our hands off of each other. But as the sexual "spark" waned, his remained constant. He consistently bargains with me to get him off in some way, for example, he will ask me to later give him oral sex for picking up the tab at the restaurant we are currently eating at. Or he will let me pick out a present or give me money in exchange for intercourse. Sometimes when he is intoxicated he uses force to get what he wants, but when he is sober and I refuse to be sexual with him, he starts a fight or tells me I am not doing my job as the woman in the relationship to keep him satisfied, even though his needs are excessive and exhausting. He doesn't believe me when I tell him he has impacted my ability to be intimate, I feel less attracted to him because of his constant pleading. He cannot go one full day without mentioning sex. He feels the need to map out all sexual conquests hours before I even get home from work, like a guarantee he will get off that night. He has admitted to paying up to 300 dollars at a time at rub and tugs when he went through sexual droughts as a single man, he is aroused by pornography that is disgusting and wrong (in my opinion), and still refuses to accept that he may have a problem. What do I do??!!??
First off...this relationship doesn't sound like it started out on the right foot to begin with. The fact that he felt he could speak to you in such a manner and make such demands makes me think that he views you no different than a prostitute. What is most problematic with this post is that you allowed him to speak to you in these demeaning ways and engaged in intercourse when he was under the influence of alcohol. The fact that he forced you to have sex whether (sober or not) is rape whether you are in a marriage relationship or not.

Seek counseling in a battered women's group so that you can understand what constitutes a healthy relationship and what supports are available in your community in order for you to leave this person in the safest way possible. When he comes to the realization that he has a problem there is help out there for him too and you leaving him to live a healthy and fulfilling life is just the wake up call he needs.
 
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Lilycat is offline Lilycat Post #10  November 18,2009, 6:18pm
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I think that both of you have a problem here. His sex drive, your lack of interest, after having kept up with him earlier, there is something major going on here. No, frequency of sex does not necessarily slow down later in the relationship without a reason.......

JMHO, couples therapy, if you want to keep this relationship might not be a bad idea. Drugs to increase your drive, well I'm not a believer in pills myself, for either partner.

When a woman's sex drive goes bye bye, unless there is a direct physical reason for it, illness or medication, or a major shift in an outside stressor, I believe it comes back to how you feel you are being treated in the relationship. If you are otherwise physically healthy, that may be the cause of your not being too interested. Something that could be explored with counseling, and if he will not participate, maybe try it out on your own.

Remember, if it impacts your relationship, it is both your problem if you want to keep the relationship......

Just a thought. Hope it helps.

Oh, and the suggestion of violence, well that's not a good road to go down.....

Lilycat
 
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