Frustrated & Confused: Is He A Sexual Addict???


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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #51  November 22,2009, 12:07pm
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Harvey7 wrote :
Where do you see the word rape being used to describe the OP's situation? A waning sexual drive by her verses her partners constant sexual drive. Me thinks that you cry wolf to many times or in your case rape.

Harvey7.
From the OP: Sometimes when he is intoxicated he uses force to get what he wants...

From the dictionary: r a p e: any act of sexual intercourse that is forced upon a person.

This is not an issue of her waning sexual drive so much as it is an issue of his behavior that, by her account is, at the very least, without regard for her well-being and, at the worst, is abusive and possibly criminal. It is, as well, an issue of her being able to recognize a healthy relationship and set healthy boundaries, which is where she needs help - help that is beyond a doubt outside the scope of this advice board.

Are you saying you condone a man using force to get what he wants when a woman says no?
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #52  November 22,2009, 12:17pm
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ming_on_mongo wrote :
I don't mean to be "heartless" here, but what's the appropriate response when someone appears to be prone to behaving like a "victim"? It's always pretty easy to blame the "aggressor", but don't both parties in a relationship have responsibilities, not only towards each other, but to themselves as well?
The implicit assumption here is that she could somehow stop his behavior if her own were different. The fact is, he's chosen to do something he shouldn't. The responsibility for that rests solely with him.

People who have been traumatized in this way are very often not thinking clearly about their options. Their view has become narrowed by fear and the confusion created by a partner who constantly claims his behavior is due to something she did. It's easy to say from the outside looking in that she should leave, but we don't know what her options really are for that and she may be just as afraid of leaving if she has not career skills to speak of.

To the OP, I would say that there are shelters you can go to with programs to get you back on your feet and to help you process what's happened to you in a healthy way. You sound like you need to get to one. If that's not possible, then tell the SO you are going to counseling to figure out what's wrong with your sex drive just for him. Please be clear that I'm not saying there's anything wrong with your sex drive at all, but I am suggesting you tell him that so he won't interfere with your effort to seek help dealing with his abusive behavior.

And yes, I'm saying you should lie. This is a case where your safety and life may depend on it. When the abuse reaches the point where it's OK to use force to get what the partner wants, you are in serious danger. This only escalates with time. It does not get better, no matter what he promises.

I sincerely wish you luck.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #53  November 22,2009, 12:17pm
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Harvey7 wrote :
Where do you see the word r a p e being used to describe the OP's situation? A waning sexual drive by her verses her partners constant sexual drive. Me thinks that you cry wolf to many times or in your case r a p e.

Harvey7.
The OP said: Sometimes when he is intoxicated he uses force to get what he wants...

The dictionary says: r a p e - any act of sexual intercourse that is forced upon a person.

Are you saying you condone men using force to get sex?

This is not an issue of differences in drive. This is an issue of his behavior being, at the least, without regard for his partner and, at the worst, abusive and perhaps criminal. This is also an issue of her getting help to be able to recognize a healthy relationship from an unhealthy one and make better choices for herself. But that help is undoubedly beyond the scope of these boards to provide and certainly beyond the ability of those who seek to put the responsibility for his behavior on her. First she needs to get safe. Then she needs to get help.

This post may be duplicated once the original one clears.
Last edited by littlebluemonkeymind; November 22,2009 at 12:21pm.
 
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Faira is offline Faira Post #54  November 22,2009, 12:24pm
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Nightling and LBMM have this 100% right.

The attitude that this woman is "playing the victim"...it's truly one of the most baffling attitudes I've come across since I've been posting here. I can't even begin to wrap my mind around it.
 
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corgigal is offline corgigal Post #55  November 22,2009, 12:49pm
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This man sounds like a humping dog who is totally out of control.

No one should be forced or belittled in a relationship like the one you are experiencing. Man or woman.

My dear, it is time to hitch up your skirt, find your inner strength and self respect and move on / get out.

If you have trouble getting out - get help as others have suggested.
 
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roguewolf1 is offline roguewolf1 Post #56  November 22,2009, 3:11pm

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Excellent graph, thanks. I made a copy and want to learn more about this.




ming_on_mongo wrote :
.... and yet she continues to stay...?!

The Drama Triangle (each role gets rewarded)-
PERSECUTOR - "It's All Your Fault"
Blames
Criticizes
Keeps "Victim" oppressed
Is mobilized by anger
Rigid, authoritative stance
"Critical" Parent

VICTIM - "Poor Me"
Feels victimized, oppressed, helpless, hopeless, powerless, ashamed
Looks for a Rescuer that will perpetuate their negative feelings.
If stays in Victim position, will block self from making decisions, solving problems, pleasure and self-understanding.

RESCUER - "Let Me Help You"
"You poor thing"
Co-dependent, enabler.
Feels guilty if doesn't rescue.
Keeps victim dependent.
Gives permission to fail.

Drama Triangle: The Three Faces of Victim by Lynne Forrest
 
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Faira is offline Faira Post #57  November 22,2009, 5:03pm
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---
 
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newbie40something is offline newbie40something Post #58  November 22,2009, 7:50pm
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I would like to know what the OP thinks about all of these conversations. Does she see the seriousness of it all? Is she going to get out/help? I hope so. If you are listening, let us know how you are doing.
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #59  November 22,2009, 8:09pm

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Faira wrote :
---
yeah, I want to stab myself in the eye too.
 
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waltercl is offline waltercl Post #60  November 22,2009, 9:52pm
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This is one of those discussions where it is difficult to have a rational and logical exchange because emotions take over. I think what is being missed the most is that the real problem here is that the OP describes a situation where any emotionally healthy and rational person doesn't have to ask what to do because it is obvious what needs to be done. This relationship has gone beyond dysfunctional and just needs to be terminated. It's possible that there could be a time of separation which is followed by therapy that might help, but not likely.

We can say over and over again how in the wrong this guy is, but the bottom line is that the OP needs to recognize she is in an unhealthy and abusive relationship and get out. It sounds like the OP has some co-dependency issues and is emotionally dependent on the relationship. The problem continues until one of them breaks the cycle.
Last edited by waltercl; November 23,2009 at 12:06am.
 
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