Mojo777 is offline Mojo777 Post #1  November 15,2009, 12:15pm
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Hello Everyone I have been separated from my ex now for 2 months, I believe I was in a toxic relationship for the past 4 years I am looking for some answers as I believe I was a victim in the relationship where as my ex says it was all my fault, to be brief when I first met her she was on welfare and 2 kids living with her a 8 year old son and an 19 year old working daughter, as we first met she started telling me of her financial problems at the time, while she did not ask for help i could see she was distressed with her situation, I then offered to help and pay her bills as I really cared for her and I did not want her to have problems,

Well as we continued our relationship i kept seeing her often and was having fun and a good time i brought her to the nicest restaurants, flower and endless gifts,after about 3 months I suggested that we move in to my house instead as I had all this room and honestly I was paying for her place and mine at the same time.

During these 3 first initial months times were mostly good, but she started to resent me seeing my ex wife of 5 years prior and mother of my 2 kids, she also did not take interest to my friends, and I also had an issue with her recent ex boyfriend as she often was quiet and moody, and then if we would go out and she would see him well she was ecstatic and her eyes just lit up so this is where i started to doubt her love for me, despite these initial problems we decided to move in together, but I did state some basic ground rules one being I wanted her daughter to pay room and board which was not much 300.00 per month all included, and that she control and discipline her younger boy who was often rude and disrespectful and was on Ritalin and placed in a school for behavioural problems.

After our first months of living together things deteriorated very quickly as she did not show me any passion, or desire, she let her son run rampant and break things in the house she allowed him to disrespect me and complain nonstop about everything especially everything I cooked and all without ever saying a word to him she also never asked her daughter to pay for anything
this is where i started to question a lot in our relationship, being kind hearted and very giving I often bought her flowers nice gifts, cooked her nice meals, gave her massages, often complimented her, started showing interests and getting involved in her activities her friends and her family, but i felt no reciprocation (Was i wrong in thinking this?)

She never did nothing nice for me, never paid me any compliments, never said she loved me, did not seem to appreciate everything I did for her, and i started suspecting even more that she was still hung up on her ex, i did confront her with this but i was never satisfied as to her explanations they were not in my opinion very plausible, well things just got worse and then she started telling me that I listen too much to my friends and my family and kids (as they all expressed concern for me that the woman I was with had ulterior financial motives) so choosing to believe her i started to distance myself from friends and family, while things did not improve i started to grow frustrated with our relationship, and things built up to the point where I literally exploded one night and I threw her and her kids out (Yet i did feel bad by my actions at the time) after one day i apologised and asked her to come back because i knew she had no money and no place to live, so she did come back.

Well things did not change one bit and I just kept taking it in the hopes that things would change then one night we were at a party and this girl who knew my ex was there and the conversation turned to my ex girlfriends ex boyfriend as things heated up her friend said to her and looked at me and said what are you doing with mike anyways as your still in love with your ex boyfriend, well this is where i lost it one more time, while she kept on insisting that what her friend was not true and she was just saying that to spite her I said to what end? so i then told her that my feelings and instinct were right all along and I asked her to move out (This time giving her the time he needed) well after 2 weeks she said she found a little place and would be leaving the next day, during that day she started crying and saying that she does love me but she just can’t show me and to me this was not plausible or acceptable (was I also wrong here??)

After 3 days she calls back saying how its hard living where she is its not comfortable and she hardly has no money, so once again I felt really bad so i asked her to come back saying that this time I want her to make efforts to fix our problems she then agreed.

Well still no change, she still let her son do what he wants, disrespect me, she still let her daughter not pay, and she was still emotionally distant with me, as I still had to initiate everything from what would you like to eat to lets make love, she never initiated nothing it was always on my part, i kept explaining to her how i felt that this was just a one sided relationship but she kept disagreeing and saying its because my behaviour that things are where they are today (like throwing her out that first time, me always complaining to her about her kids, always expressing my dissatisfaction in our relationship etc...

after another year and half with still no changes and things actually getting worse as my kids hardly came over any more as they thought i did to much for her and they could see that she did not really care for me or reciprocate, also by this point I had no friends left, again I started to express unhappiness and dissatisfaction in our relationship, she then explained that she does not feel at home here because its not her house and all so against everyone advice not to do it I proceeded to refinance with her on my house and putting her name on the deed while not asking her for any money (I figured this would make her happy and she would change towards me, at this time she had just started working so we proceed to re finance and she became 1/2 owner without putting in one cent,

well again things did not change and actually got worse, she hardly ever wanted to be intimate and again after 6 months things heated up to another huge argument, this time she left and said her reason for living was that i made her life a living hell (Because i kept asking her to do something with her unruly un discipline child, and request that her daughter pay her obligations and why she can’t ever show me any love passion or desire, and why is it always me initiating everything, and why she never shows any interest in things I like?

so she made arrangement to find a nice place for her and her kids and she moved out she did not cry this time , she has never asked to come back and that she will try to make efforts at reconciliation, and since 4 weeks she does not even contact me anymore, leaving me broken hearted and very confused I have no friends or family left and I am all alone, I guess what I would like to know Was I wrong as to being unsatisfied in our relationship?? did I push her away?, am I that bad of a person?, and why is she trying to make me feel that it was all my fault???

Thank you everyone>>
Last edited by Mojo777; November 17,2009 at 7:23am.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #2  November 15,2009, 12:26pm
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In my view you were used for your money. You got involved with a “professional gold-digger,” a person who treats their dating partner the way normal people treat working for a living. (Though it may be she is simply hopeless about the values of the real – as in, self-sufficient – world.)

Personally I would not have become involved with a woman who does not generate her own income through value-added labor market engagement or entrepreneurial activity.

Becoming involved with the wrong sort of people can damage your future in a major way. I would disengage immediately with this woman, and all women who act in the same way.

The only thing you did “wrong” was to subsidize her in the first place.
 
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ami1uwant is online now ami1uwant Post #3  November 15,2009, 1:16pm
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You made a couple of cardinal mistakes in this relationship.....

first you cant buy love, the last thing you want to do is bail someone out of their situation. I know you want to help them but it will change the relationship because either one feels like the other owes themsomething because of the giving or someone would be nice to you because you are helping out and like you because of financila reasons and not love reasons.

Second, you should never move in together until you see how they handle all your routine situations. How she is with your ex and your kids are key. I would see this before ever moving in with her. These are deal breakers. Rasing children and their philosophical differences are key as well.

I would end a relationship if I saw that she was treating her kids in a fundamental way I did not believe in.
 
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indigirl1975 is offline indigirl1975 Post #4  November 15,2009, 2:31pm
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You are a good guy, you found a woman that needed a situation more than someone to love. Don't be a situation, let someone love you for you, not what you have to offer. She is a loser and a user and if I met her I would tell her that to her face. Gross woman...you are probably more lonely than anything, cause I can't imagine missing that Btch. So things are going to suck for awhile and then they will suck less and one day you will not even believe you let her in your house.
Last edited by indigirl1975; November 15,2009 at 2:38pm.
 
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Alli824 is online now Alli824 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #5  November 15,2009, 3:11pm
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Make sure to get her name off the deed to your house and let this one go. She is not worthy of your time or attention. You were being used as a meal ticket. Don't even take her phone calls if she contacts you again. This is not a nice person.
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #6  November 17,2009, 12:38am

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It's hard to give any advice to anyone that would not heed the advice of friends and family. You brought a street person and her kids into your house and you gave and you gave and received nothing. You made these egotistical deals about her daughter paying $300.00 a month and they ignored your demands. Your demands on her son behavior were also mute. It was like shooting yourself in the foot daily, you should re-read your post daily it was written by an emotionally disturbed person that desperately needs therapy.

Now why do I say that? Simply put you gifted her 50% of the value of your home! Why? You can not sell the house without buying out her interest or she will be at the closing and collect her share. Why did you close your mind to friends and family?

Harvey7.
Last edited by Harvey7; November 17,2009 at 12:42am.
 
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Fleuellen is offline Fleuellen Post #7  November 17,2009, 2:25am
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more paragraphs would help.
 
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Mojo777 is offline Mojo777 Post #8  November 17,2009, 7:04am
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Your absolutely right Harvey I do need therapy and help, as to why i turned my back on my friends and family, well it was always a question of believing her and defending her, again why? i don’t know, Love I guess or just plain stupid
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #9  November 17,2009, 7:35am
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Well ... you made a lot of mistakes. The hope for love can really blind a person! At least you got out, eventually! Learn from this!

No, you are not a bad person, it was not wrong to feel unsatisfied, and she is making it your fault because she's a leech. Better luck next time.
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #10  November 17,2009, 8:18am

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Fleuellen wrote :
more paragraphs would help.
How?

Harvey7.
 
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