Fleuellen is offline Fleuellen Post #1  November 12,2009, 2:48am
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Oh, is seems the dating world is divided between “casual daters” and LTCR (long term committed relationships) And it seems many confide a goal of the latter, and the former a way to get there. But I wonder? There much comment on this board about significance of 3rd date, exclusivity, mutual expectations, who buys what when, and meeting the parents, etc.

But I sometimes feel that these arrangements have all the attributes of a “marriage” without the pay- off. I use the term marriage to include those that registered relationships and those that are social partners.

LTCR are characterised by “sexual exclusivity” sharing plans, regular time together, being an “item” (publicly recognised as a couple; receive joint invitations)and even cohabitation. This comes with reduced privacy, unable to make unilateral decisions, expectation about at least meeting up regukaly, mowing lawns, preparing meals etc. I’d term these micro-marriages. They are, but not quite.

Oh, micro-marriages may well grow into “real marriages.” But they often don’t include mutual desire to have children, raise a family, making a home (shared mortgagee) commitment to extended family (care of elderly relatives) deferring careers for each other, putting aside interests, hobbies for shared goals, and greater cost of failure of the relationship (eg, obligations to children, disentangling shared property and deeper emotional hurt). And finally holding the hand of you ill or dying partner in your declining years.

I suppose few of us pursue a relationship with an expectation it won’t last. However, serial relationships, of weeks, months or years are too common a pattern for us to ignore. I wonder if we might better think in terms of MTCR (medium term committed relationships). This where we hold off aspects of a life long commitment until we feel more confident or secure. Eg, deferring having children or buyomg a house together, perhaps allowing for the relationships to end with we graduate from university, careers take us in different paths, or boredom. This may be prudent or it might become a self fulfilling prophesy. The more ease with ending a relationship, perhaps the more and ending is likely. The old argument in favour of marriage; which I for one are not convinced.

I’ll excuse myself of any responsibility as to who I might “fall” for. It is not that I intend to grow old together; it is that it doesn’t occur to me otherwise. It also hasn’t been that common for me; twice perhaps a third time.
However, short of that impulse I’d neither seek or expect exclusivity. If I’m good enough that is what will happen anyway, but I wouldn’t plan it. And easily contented so lose interest in others anyway. I’m also be responsible for myself and my own (I have children from previous relationship) and do not want anyone else imposing themselves. Still I welcome, share and treat as special anyone I’m with. I suppose I’m inclined to connections for either days or years (preferably decades). All that effort of making a relationship for a few months doesn’t seem worthwhile.

So are we making too much of relationships in the shorter term, and missing out because we don’t make the effort with longer term ones? When we say we want a long term relationship; are will kidding ourselves?
 
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