1sttimer is offline 1sttimer Post #1  November 10,2009, 10:12am
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Been seeing my BF for six months. Things have been great. We are both in our mid fourties and divorced for several years. First serious relationship for either since our divorces. We spend our weekends together and get along well. On Friday night, he brought up that "we have 95% of what it takes for the long haul" which surprised me. But that he see us having problems in the future because we are both strong and opinioned people and that he does not want to settle for anything less than 100%. We discussed this farther and he said he sees our "demise" as us someday getting to an arguement about something important and both holding our ground and not being able to compromise and this is holding him back from moving forward anymore in our relationship. We have never "argued" or yelled-we have had differences of opinions and easily discussed and came to a compromise. We both have strong personalities which is pervalent in our respective careers which is necessary.

I then explained the two times we were at a difference and how we compromised. It is not in neither of our personalities to yell, scream, etc. We discussed it farther and then he said that he recants what he said earlier and that he is not holding back from moving forward in our relationship now.

Any perspective on this that I am missing? It is something that he was thinking out and after we talked it out-it is not a concern anymore.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #2  November 10,2009, 11:04am
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It is not a concern anymore ... so what advice are you seeking?
 
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indigirl1975 is offline indigirl1975 Post #3  November 10,2009, 11:06am
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Wow....I read once that of a list of ten qualities if a man has 3 a woman will hold on to those 3 and try to make it work. If a woman is missing three of the ten a man will quit.

It was an odd thing to say but if he took it back then at this point I guess you should trust him...right?
 
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1sttimer is offline 1sttimer Post #4  November 10,2009, 11:49am
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It was a peculiar situation and just wanted another perspective on it. Thanks.
 
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trixie1868 is offline trixie1868 Post #5  November 10,2009, 2:27pm

what the bejeezus is going on round here?!

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Well it concerns you or you wouldn't have posted it.

It would bother me that he was voicing doom and gloom predictions at the 6 month stage.

Maybe he's just scared that he's clearly in another serious relationship and expected to do more casual dating in between his last marriage and his next. Perhaps he didn't want to meet his future life partner this soon and so he's picking holes in it.

Maybe he meant the weird 95% thing. I think the whole compromise and settling debate (check out the threads!) is a nonsense. Think about the people you really loved in the past. On paper were they 100% compatible with you? No. Maybe he's just a little immature in this regard.

I don't know what I'd do if I were you. Guess there's nothing you can do other than wait to see how it pans out and how he continues to talk.

I wish you 100% of luck eitherway.
 
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PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #6  November 10,2009, 2:36pm

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Will not settle for less than 100% perfection lol (ok dang I shouldn't have read that while drinking my coffee!)

Kids surely say the darnest thing sometimes!
 
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Emme is offline Emme Post #7  November 10,2009, 2:43pm

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What it sounds like to me is that he was trying to tell you that he didn't think you two had it in you together to make a long term commitment and he was hesitant to say so directly. And when you refuted his claims, he backed off. Sounds to me like he hasn't changed his mind, he's just backed off in face of your opposition. Protect your heart and please don't get too attached because I fear he's going to say something similar again in the near future.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #8  November 10,2009, 2:57pm
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This sounds reasonable to me.

I think the right way to approach any commitment is to look for the problems and get them cleared up.

People who go into a situation when any objective look would suggest they not do so, get quickly divorced.

He had a real reason, he stated it. Great news.
 
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trixie1868 is offline trixie1868 Post #9  November 10,2009, 3:02pm

what the bejeezus is going on round here?!

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D_Lion wrote :
This sounds reasonable to me.

I think the right way to approach any commitment is to look for the problems and get them cleared up.

People who go into a situation when any objective look would suggest they not do so, get quickly divorced.

He had a real reason, he stated it. Great news.
He's quantifying his emotions in percentage terms, of course it sounds reasonable to you.
 
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WYskywatcher is offline WYskywatcher Post #10  November 10,2009, 3:18pm
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Well I have to agree with Emme on this.

Personally, I wouldn't want to have to convince the person that I am considering spending the "rest of my life with" that we are a good match. I would hope they wouldn't need convincing. Just the fact that he needed convincing and you were able to "convince" him seems like a flag to me. He voiced a concern, you disagreed, he backed down and this time, you won the debate.

He flat out said he thinks you guys have 95% compatibility and he's looking for 100%. He may be making a silly argument with the percentages, but don't miss his point. He doesn't think you are the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Ouch. That hurts.

Best of luck to you.
 
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