Ridiculous feeling of the day....jealous of a dead woman?


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longsocks is offline longsocks Post #1  November 9,2009, 9:10am
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I'm in a relationship with a man who is fantastic, has great kids, and everything is going very well....I'm very happy and I think he is, too. The only "issue" I'm having is dealing with my own stupid feelings.

He lost his wife and a young child rather tragically and we've discussed it on occasion, but not to any kind of uncomfortable excess. I don't have a problem with that and would rather he talk about the wife and child he lost than never mention them like they never existed.

The problem I do have is feeling like I'm in competition with a dead woman. I know that what we have is rather new when compared to the years they had together and that given the chance he would do anything to have them back again. I know that's not even a possibility which is why my feelings make me feel stupidly jealous and selfish.

He is great about everything and in no way is the one making me feel this way. There is never any comparison or comments about "well my wife would've..." or anything like that. This is all in my own head and probably my own insecurity.

Just wondering if anyone had gone through anything similar and could offer me some "been there, done that" advice or suggestions on how to get this out of my head or just encouragment that the feeling will pass.

Or even a "suck it up, princess" would be accepted.
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #2  November 9,2009, 10:42am

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Since it's an insecurity issue and it's your feelings, why not try some short term therapy? It has triggered other issues as well and if you want to be happy again it's the best way to fix it!

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Dafearon is offline Dafearon Post #3  November 9,2009, 11:33am
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Maybe some therapy would help.

Lets look at it from a logical standpoint. This dead woman. What is she doing to cause this strife within you. The answer. Nothing. She's dead. She can't do anything. So if she can't do anything, and your boyfriend does nothing to compare you two, whats left....YOU.

It is easy for you to compare yourself with someone who you can never win against. You can never win because you aren't really competing against the dead woman. You're competing with a ghost of your own creation that will constantly be better than you. You can never win because you yourself will just up the ante just beyond your reach. This ghost will never do anything to "mess" up, so you will always be lagging behind.

I'm not saying this is trivial. Sometimes, you need a professional to put things into perspective.
 
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Fleuellen is offline Fleuellen Post #4  November 9,2009, 11:48am
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Goosh, don't apologise. I created dispaire with former partner over dead wife ... and we were divorced when she died. And you mentioned he lost a child. But I'm guessing he loves you ... it is would not be instead of or too ... just he loves you. And you can do something that no one else can do for your man. Love him unconditionally. He'll greatly want that.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #5  November 9,2009, 11:54am
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Feelings can't be stupid. They just exist. It's what you do with them that counts. Don't beat yourself up about this. Your feelings seem very understandable to me. This is a fairly new relationship, so probably does not have the depth of what he had with his lost wife yet. And he didn't break up with her, she died -- so you know he'd probably still be with her if she were still alive. And the loss of a child I don't think people ever really get over. I would bet over time, as your relationship deepens, this issue will subside.

In the meantime since you know you're having these feelings, it would be a good idea to monitor your behavior, make sure you're not letting the feelings hold you back, push too hard, get whiny, whatever. Good luck!
 
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longsocks is offline longsocks Post #6  November 10,2009, 11:39am
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Sassafras54 wrote :
Feelings can't be stupid. They just exist. It's what you do with them that counts. Don't beat yourself up about this. Your feelings seem very understandable to me. This is a fairly new relationship, so probably does not have the depth of what he had with his lost wife yet. And he didn't break up with her, she died -- so you know he'd probably still be with her if she were still alive. And the loss of a child I don't think people ever really get over. I would bet over time, as your relationship deepens, this issue will subside.

In the meantime since you know you're having these feelings, it would be a good idea to monitor your behavior, make sure you're not letting the feelings hold you back, push too hard, get whiny, whatever. Good luck!

Thanks, Sassafras, I think you've understood perfectly how I'm feeling. I don't know....maybe jealously is the wrong word for it, but what you've said is exactly what's going on in my head.

Dafearon, what you've written makes perfect sense and helps me put more of a perspective on the issue....which is my issue and no one else's. It clarifies what the rational part of my brain was trying to tell the emotional part. Who needs a professional when I can get such good free advice here.

I don't think that at this point I would opt for therapy. It's a pretty small thing at this point and it's not affecting my day to day life or my relationship. It isn't even on my mind all the time, just pops in every now and again. I will be sure to monitor whether or not it starts to become more of an issue for me and keep therapy in mind if it appears to be heading that way.

Thanks for the replies.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #7  November 10,2009, 1:03pm
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I absolutely agree that you are not the one who needs therapy. Nor are you a bereavement therapist. This unfortunate man does need the support of old friends ,family and therapy to addresses his real and painful loss, however, while being honest with you, he may be feeling needy and lonely, not ready to focus a relationship with you. Keep it friendly and upbeat. Be compassionate ,but, be a date, a new woman, not a shoulder to cry on too much.

longsocks wrote :
I don't think that at this point I would opt for therapy. It's a pretty small thing at this point and it's not affecting my day to day life or my relationship. It isn't even on my mind all the time, just pops in every now and again. I will be sure to monitor whether or not it starts to become more of an issue for me and keep therapy in mind if it appears to be heading that way.

Thanks for the replies.
 
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sqg123 is offline sqg123 Post #8  November 11,2009, 6:26am
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I think your feelings sound pretty normal to me. He is still grieving and that's OK. There is no such thing as "getting over" the death of someone you love. Let him talk about it. Its healing to talk about it and healing is what you want for him.

As for you, try not think of her as someone you can never live up to. Maybe more try to view her as someone who would have been your friend if you had known her. Also, remember you have qualities that she did not have, maybe you have a better sense of humor or are more easy-going.
 
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chawks64 is offline chawks64 Post #9  November 11,2009, 7:27am
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Being in a relationship with a widower can be tough.

When you fall for a man who is divorced, he can tell you all of the awful things his ex did to end the marriage or destroy his feelings for her. With a widower, you just don't have that.

It can sometimes feel like she has been elevated to sainthood. But it's his attitude that is the most important and sets the tone. It sounds like he's had time to grieve and move on, but you're still sorting through emotions on your side.

Give yourself some time, and talk to a couple of good friends about it. What you're feeling is very normal, but you should be able to wrk through it.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #10  November 11,2009, 8:02am
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sqg123 wrote :
As for you, try not think of her as someone you can never live up to. Maybe more try to view her as someone who would have been your friend if you had known her. Also, remember you have qualities that she did not have, maybe you have a better sense of humor or are more easy-going.
I lost my husband in Oct 2008. It still hurts. I'm nowhere near being ready to love again. That will take a leap of faith.

But I do know what I would have wanted for my husband, had I died first. I would have wanted him to love again, when he could. I believe he would want that for me, as well.

So I would not view her as a rival. More as a very good friend, who was there for him when he needed it, and who will help him select another when it's time. I would want to know about her so I could love her, too.

If there is any future to be had with this man, it will be because she is the catalyst. I see that as a good thing!

j8a
Last edited by j0hn8andy; November 11,2009 at 8:11am.
 
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