My boyfriend's account is active again :(


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misslizzy is offline misslizzy Post #1  November 8,2009, 7:32am
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I found my boyfriend was looking at dating profiles on craigslist a couple of months ago - we share a laptop at his house, which he keeps in a common area and he tellls me I am always free to use - the sites popped up in the address bar as I was typing a web address in. At first I was really concerned, so I looked around - he had no adds on craigslist and his profile, on the dating website we had met on, was still no longer active or hidden (I deactivated mine pretty shortly after we began seeing each other on a regular basis). So I decided it was just mindless web browing (though weird, for sure) and would just keep my eyes out for anything suspicious.
Our relationship was good and has continued to be good since. He recently told me he loved me and how important I was to him (we have been together for over a year and have decided we are boyfriend and girlfriend a year ago). So up until the last couple weeks or so, everything has been great. Except he was acting a little weird the past week and he went out of town randomly with a friend - and I was not invited. That, plus my own increased paranoia from what I saw before and from some other experiences with other people I know who are struggling in their relationships due to affairs, I felt the need to check the dating site again. This time his profile was visible and edited slightly and he had been on in the last 24 hours. As far as I know, he has had orginally hid his profile a couple of months after we began daitng, and it was hidden the last time I looked. I am heartbroken. I need to confront him this time - wish I had done it sooner - any advice on how to approach this? I feel bad for being paranoid and snoopy, and trying to be able to do this w/out having that thrown back in my face. We never fight, if he is unhappy in some way I feel bad he was unable to tell me.
 
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Sawyer76 is offline Sawyer76 Post #2  November 8,2009, 7:44am
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misslizzy wrote :
We never fight, if he is unhappy in some way I feel bad he was unable to tell me.
You feel bad he wasn't able to tell you he is a cheater? It sounds like you are almost feeling bad for him and feeling guilty like you had something to do with this. If he was unhappy, he should've talked to you about it. You have been together for a year and nothing could warrant it to be acceptable behavior for him to put his profile back online and start dating without telling you. This is very selfish on his part.

I also wouldn't feel bad that you snooped around to find this information out. You had to trust your instincts and obviously your instincts were right. I would talk to him about it immediately.

IMO, I would end it with him immediately. I know you've been together a year and I'm sure you love him and would be very hurt, but I don't see any good excuse for why he would be back on a dating site without speaking to you first. This is very dishonest and shows he isn't trustworthy.

Sorry you are going through this because it must be very painful. I wouldn't wait to have the convo with him and I also wouldn't apologize for snooping.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #3  November 8,2009, 7:52am
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Two separate conversations with unrelated decision points. Treat it just like workplace negotiations. That you snooped – or more precisely chanced upon a trail of fat bread crumbs he left – is not germane to his contentment with you, or what he is looking at for his future. (If he drops you for snooping or suspicion, that seems to be the lesser risk here anyway.)

Notably, though, random browsing is not necessarily looking for a partner, it could be boredom, habit – even working with a friend to help a friend make a profile; best to engage that with an open mind. In any case, what matters is still in intent toward you. I do think the chance is high that he is looking to get some new options in motion prior to concluding his current one.

This could also be a fake scenario to see if you snoop, or are inclined toward suspicion. For this and the preceding reason, I would not focus on his profile – and certainly not come with an accusing or upset manner.

One year seems like a good point to assess what both of you are looking for, whether that is compatible, and what the next steps are. I would work with this conversation. If there is not compatibility, nothing else matters anyway; and this conversation would be timely without the chance finding of the dating site behavior. Thus, it is what I would do.
 
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Lilycat is offline Lilycat Post #4  November 8,2009, 7:53am
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Well, I don't think you were snooping, I think you accidentally tripped over it, myself. If he was trying to hide, why would he be doing this on what is essentially a communal computer?

Now, on to what he is up to, yes, you need to ask ASAP what is going on here, and if there is a problem what it is. Some people don't like to break up until they have the next one lined up, unfortunately, or prefer to throw things like this out there so that you break up with them. Keeps them from feeling guilty about doing it maybe?

Have the conversation, in as relaxed a setting as you can manage, listen to what he says, but then watch what he actually does.......

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Wishing you luck with this
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #5  November 8,2009, 8:13am
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Sawyer76 wrote :
You feel bad he wasn't able to tell you he is a cheater?
Sawyer is making an excellent point. You are the wronged party here imo. It's on him to explain this away, not you.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #6  November 8,2009, 8:22am
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nightling wrote :
Sawyer is making an excellent point.

Except for the inconvenient fact of having not one piece of supporting evidence in the OP.

Coming with an attitude of assuming cheating, and assuming the worst, is a good way to ensure good men won't stand for you.

Probability of infidelity is about 10% in the prior twelve months (essentially identical for men and women, by the way.)
 
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misslizzy is offline misslizzy Post #7  November 8,2009, 8:35am
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My issue is not so much the browsing and assuming from that he is going to cheat. I don't like the browsing. But the big issue here is the profile has now gone from hidden to visble - he could have browsed, but kept himself unavailable. Now he is making himself available by making his profile visible - and that shows a lot of intention!
Last edited by misslizzy; November 8,2009 at 8:38am.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #8  November 8,2009, 8:38am
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misslizzy wrote :
I feel bad for being paranoid and snoopy, and trying to be able to do this w/out having that thrown back in my face. We never fight, if he is unhappy in some way I feel bad he was unable to tell me.
You haven't been suspecting him of cheating all along, right? So suspicion at this point isn't paranoia, it's a reaction to something that's happened.

If you were perusing Craigs list and found a personal ad from him by accident, would that be snooping? No. Someone who activates a profile on a dating site, on a shared computer, is doing it in front of you.

"Never fighting" is a relationship problem, not a virtue. Significant conflicts have to be addressed and worked out. "Fighting" doesn't have to involve screaming or throwing things. It just means asserting your self and your values, listening to your partners' concerns, etc.

Pick a time when stress is low, and you both have some free time, and just do it. Good luck!
 
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misslizzy is offline misslizzy Post #9  November 8,2009, 8:45am
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Sassafras54 wrote :
"Never fighting" is a relationship problem, not a virtue. Significant conflicts have to be addressed and worked out. "Fighting" doesn't have to involve screaming or throwing things. It just means asserting your self and your values, listening to your partners' concerns, etc.
I know...actually, we've talked about this and whether it was a problem. At the time we decided we just had not fought yet because we had nothing to be upset with one another about - but if we did, we would address...which now I have to do. Wish this was about something else, like picking up his socks or something...ughhhh....
 
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misslizzy is offline misslizzy Post #10  November 8,2009, 9:16am
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Thanks for the support advice all, going to go talk to him.
 
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