Question for ladies/moms or anyone with some insight. . .


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Thackery is offline Thackery Post #1  November 6,2009, 7:40am
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First time poster, but have lurked a lot and have seen some very good advice given...So I thought I would toss my current issue out, in hopes of recieving some of that guidance...

Both myself and girlfriend are close to 40. She has 2 young children. We have dated for 2+ years. We don't live together, but I am the primary male role model in her children's lives. Their father is an abusive alcoholic, so I always try make sure that they are learning the positive sides of humanity. How to treat people, doing fun things, learning new things, etc. At any rate, this may have gotten me into a little hot water recently...

Her oldest wanted to see a local sporting event. I had asked her if I could take him, and she had replied that it would be over too late. I explained that it would be finished before his normal bedtime, to which she responded that she didn't think so. There is a tendency for her to want to be involved in ALL the "fun" things that her kids do...which is not really possible or that healthy. I suppose I should have left it at that, but I felt that the enjoyment that he would have received from the game, would far outweigh the lateness (which really wasn't that late). My whole goal was to show him the game, which he was dying to see. The bottom line was that I was doing this COMPLETELY for her child. So....I told her that I know she makes decisions based upon what is best for her family, and that I respected her decision but that I didn't agree with it. I completely understand that she is the MOM and hers is the final decision, but I felt that this was something that was pretty important to her child, and him going was not going to effect anything negatively in any way.

Understand too, that I think she is a FANTASTIC mother and have told her so many times. There may be some baggage from some past relationships, as she was told repeatedly that she was a bad mom.

Called her yesterday and left her a VM. She texted later and said she that she was NOT ready to talk to me and that she is spending the weekend by herself. This is fine, but now in my position, do I contact her next week or wait for her to call. I can wait, but don't want to get into an unncessary standoff... The "silent treatment" is never beneficial to anyone, but maybe she needs to sort things out? I have no idea, really. . .Suppose my comments were taken wrong? What may she be thinking as a mother?

Sorry so long, and thanks in advance!

(I Read my post and it kinda makes me sound like a bit of an ass, but nothing could be farther from the truth....Just want to be a good role model for her kids and help them experience life.)
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #2  November 6,2009, 12:40pm
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I don't think you come across as being an a$$ but there does seem to be conflict between you and your gf about what your role with her children is.

You're not married and not living together, and these are not your children. If she were just a friend of yours, not a girlfriend, would you give her your unsought opinion on her parenting decisions? Ask to take her child to an event and then argue with her if she says No?

You've been dating 2+ years, and are not married. Why is that? Your gf needs to protect her children from "serial dads". If things don't work out with you 2, and she moves on, her children as well as she, will have to let you go. It makes sense to me that she would limit your role in her/their life.

It sounds like you and she need to discuss your quasi-parent role. It's very nice you want to be a good role model for her kids, but your uncommitted relationship with their mother is going to limit what your role should be.

As far as the silent treatment and the leave-me-alone-for-the-weekend, I don't know, that's a separate thing. Sometimes people just need some space to think. Sometimes they have an unhealthy running-away trick they do. I'd leave her alone for the weekend then call on Monday. Maybe set up a child-free time to talk? Good luck!
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #3  November 6,2009, 1:03pm

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You don't sound like an a** but I wonder if you realize how difficult it is to give any advice let alone good advice.

To understand the mind of an abused women you have to understand what she has been though. Even with the long time you have dated she may not have told you everything. There may also be things she doesn't even remember herself. My childhood was awful, every now and then someone will say something, even a smell or objects and I remember something. Thankfully I am pretty healty so it is usually a wow, minds are interesting, response.

There is no telling what happened. If she is only asking for a weekend let her have it.

Good luck it seems like you really care.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #4  November 6,2009, 1:09pm
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I would say there's a lot more going on here than just the obvious. It's easy to say that these aren't your children, you are just dating their mother and they aren't living with you, so you have no rights to them - but - to put her authoritative foot down over something like this? ...after 2 years? ...hmm, I'd begin wondering if you have a future with this person at all.

She obviously doesn't feel like you make wise choices or would be a good father figure; otherwise, she'd be open and communicative ...not throwing what amounts to a 'hissy-fit' over this.
 
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Imjustsaying is offline Imjustsaying Post #5  November 6,2009, 1:31pm
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I hate to say this but in reading your entry, she sounds that she is having doubts about the relationship. If she was comforatable in her relationship with you she would have said yes or if she said no really b/c she didn't want her kid up too late then she wouldn't have wanted to be away from you all weekend. Brace yourself, she is trying to figure out a way to back out of the relationship. If this relationship is truely something you want and is a good for you I hope I'm not right and you all can work this out.
 
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OverAnalyzer is offline OverAnalyzer Post #6  November 6,2009, 4:41pm
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You didn't mention if she let you take them alone before.

There could be many reasons for this, but I'll list what I think, having been a single mother with small children and somewhat dating.

- she does not feel comfortable letting anyone other than family take her kids anywhere without her

- she does not want him to go to the game

- she is concerned you are *too* interested in her child

- you are more interested in her child than her

- you are not getting "no means no"

- something happened previously that didn't set well with her

- she does not feel the same toward you and she doesn't want her kids to become too attached, just in case

As far as the weekend alone? I've done that. Why? He invaded my space too much, he tried to tell me his way was better, he tried to make it all about him, he got too pushy about the relationship, he tried to take control of the relationship, but mainly - he just wasn't listening.

My advice? Let her call you. If you don't hear from her by Wednesday, send her a text.
 
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singinggirl is offline singinggirl Post #7  November 6,2009, 7:43pm
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Give her a little time and take it easy on giving her advice about how she should raise her kids. From your post, it sounds as if you don't have kids of your own. As a parent, it is very frustrating to hear from someone else, particularly someone without children, how they 'should' be raising their child.

Plus, if she has a history of hearing that she's a bad mom, this probably struck a chord with her and scared her.
 
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notyet is offline notyet Post #8  November 6,2009, 10:01pm
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OverAnalyzer wrote :
You didn't mention if she let you take them alone before.
i didn't notice that. but that could be something to ponder. well, thackery? if she hasn't, your game may be over.
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #9  November 6,2009, 11:27pm

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You did not come across as one other then yourself. She or one of the children may have been molested or it pushed a panic button and she withdraws, rather then saying some thing that she might be sorry for.

Do you have an intimate relationship with her? Are you an overnight quest her place or yours? Wait for her to call you, no calls or texting, You did nothing wrong she has her own baggage and lots of insecurities to deal with. I would listen very carefully to what she has to say, without commenting on what she has to say! Make a dinner or brunch date with her, tell her that you would like to move the relationship to the next level, but you think that it would be advisable for
the two of you to go through couples counseling?
You don't want to go through the silent treatment and other hostile rage stages and you want to improve the communications with the entire family?

If she's not interested that's a lot of your time that she has wasted and if she is, do it. Good Luck.

Harvey7.
Last edited by Harvey7; November 6,2009 at 11:30pm.
 
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lil_lamb is offline lil_lamb Post #10  November 7,2009, 1:05am
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one of my godchildren became my ward at a young age. that's an interesting thing, becoming the parent of a child that you didn't give birth to... which is all men and all adoptive mothers. here's a factoid: you don't have to have been pregnant to get neurologically rewired. just being around babies/children for enough time will spur the rewiring of your brain.

anyways, one incident stands out in my mind distinctly. we went for a pancake supper with my boyfriend. i was (and still am) concerned about sugar in her diet. my boyfriend wryly handed her extra syrup (not that she used it). after some time to recover from the blow, i came to realise the value of what he did. it felt like he wasn't considering her health, but you know, it gave her emotional relief from my motherly intensity and the emotional space to make her own decision about food. looking back, my dad did those sorts of things. his "lack of concern" helped me take risks, which all children need to do to grow out of childhood. that's an important thing men offer, i feel: provide relief from being the object of motherly scrutiny and the opportunity to expand.

but it's hard going for men. it's quite a balancing act to respect and manage a mother's fear (which is not baseless) while performing these fatherly acts. if your girlfriend's children are young, your girlfriend may not have had enough time herself to develop the art of letting go.

my advice is to not get into what your and/or your girlfriend is or isn't doing, has or hasn't done. y'all should come at it from the starting point of the art of parenting and growing as a parent in general.
 
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