How much should you give, and how much should you stand your ground?


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agriesha is offline agriesha Post #1  November 2,2009, 3:53pm
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I'm dating a man who is wonderful and whom I get along very well with when it comes to everything by my social life and balancing it with my relationship time.

I'm part of a social/athletic club where the members are a bit salty - lots of low-brow humor, lots of dirty jokes, and sometimes a little bit of nudity. I was in this club before I met my boyfriend and all of my closest friends are also members. However, my boyfriend hates the club because he finds it juvenile. That, and, I made the mistake of taking him to on a camping trip with the group, where a lot of people decide to throw caution to the wind and run around naked being silly all weekend, as his introduction. My thought was, if I didn't take him he'd be completely suspicious of my actions and it would be detrimental to us, and by taking him I was hoping he'd look at the worst case scenario and realize that the normal activities weren't nearly that bad. Either way, though, it ended up badly. He hates the group, hates my being involved in the group, and after many talks and negotiations we came to a very strict agreement that worked for a while, but needed to be renegotiated a bit ago. I need the group because it makes me happy and fulfills my social needs. I'm not one of the people who runs around naked and acts silly, and there is more to the group than that - it's come as you are and very social where everyone respects everyone else's boundaries. He refuses to be a part of it.

He is a bit controlling and a home body. I'm free-spirited and like to go out. I'm trying to balance my social life with my time with him, but every time I try and go out without him he gets in a fight with me. I need my club because it makes me happy. I go once a week on either Sundays or Wednesdays, which is our deal, but this week I wanted to go twice because I have a friend in town visiting who is also in the club, and she wanted to go on a night I don't usually go. I spent all day yesterday with my boyfriend watching football (which I REALLY don't like) because I thought he wanted me to. We spent all of Saturday together, too, as well as Friday night. I have asked him if we could spend some time together two other nights this week. But he still is giving me a hard time about my wanting to go to the group tonight.

My question to all of you is, what should I do here? I'm inclined to put my foot down and go anyway. I've been very up front with him regarding my schedule, and what I'd like to do and I do ask his opinion. I'm asking for one exception tonight because my friend is in town, and I've made it clear to him that I have two other nights this week that are free for us to spend time together. We also live together and will see each other every night after 10pm regardless. I feel like I shouldn't be sacrificing so much of my life for his comfort, when he has no plans except sitting in front of the TV and having me make dinner. Honestly. I asked.

The other part of our situation is that we met and started dating while he was living in Phoenix and I was living in San Diego. After 6 months of dating he lost his job and decided to move. Prior to that, the plan was for me to move to Phoenix after we'd been dating about a year and I was able to find work. He said that he made the move for me, which I know is part of it, but mostly he moved because it was a good opportunity for us to get in the same place, we were/are thinking of getting married, and it was more economical than him trying to stay in Phoenix.

So again I ask, how much should I be willing to give up? How much is fair, how much isn't? I would suggest that he go out with his friends, but being new to the area he doesn't have any. I do invite him out with mine, even to non-club nights, but he always finds a reason to complain. Please give me some advice!
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #2  November 2,2009, 5:54pm
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It sounds to me like a profound difference in values. I'm not sure there is a compromise that would work. If it is a dealbreaker for him that you socialize with these people then you have to decide which is more important - your friends or your boyfriend.

Good luck.
 
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shellyg is offline shellyg Post #3  November 2,2009, 6:12pm
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I have to agree with LBMM. It doesn't sound as if you two have much in common. You have to decide between him and your friends. Best of luck to you.
 
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fusion55 is offline fusion55 Post #4  November 2,2009, 6:32pm
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It does not sound like this is an issue of the time you spend with him but of the time you spend away from him. It does not matter to him that you spent a day watching football. It only matters that you are going out again. He will likely never be satisfied unless you drop the group. It seems that he is insecure and the time you spend away from him is a threat in his eyes. In my opinion you will need to decide between him and your social activities. Personally, I would go to the social club as it is part of who you are. He will learn to deal with it, or he won't.
 
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Bluemay2 is offline Bluemay2 Post #5  November 2,2009, 7:43pm
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First you say he is wonderful and you get along well, but then the rest of your post points out how incompatible you are. You should not change who you are as a person in order to be in a relationship. You have to decide what makes you happy---having a social network of friends or having a boyfriend who wants you to spend all your time with him at home. Can you spend the rest of your life with someone you've already described as controlling and a home body?
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #6  November 2,2009, 8:49pm

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The two of you are the perfect couple for "Couples Counseling" Your not married and yet there is a lack of understanding and inflexibility so how would improve if you got married?
Time for problem resolution or go your separate ways.

Harvey7.
 
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Sucia1969 is offline Sucia1969 Post #7  November 2,2009, 9:01pm
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I agree with the above posts. It sounds liike you really enjoy your group, and I think you will come to resent your bf in the long run if you give into his wants on this. If you haven't been in a controlling relationship before, you may not realise the situation you are getting into. Chances are it won't get better, and you will start to do what he wants to avoid the conflict and keep the peace. Please believe...
 
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notyet is offline notyet Post #8  November 2,2009, 9:44pm
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cut your loses and find someone with a similar outlook
 
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Dafearon is offline Dafearon Post #9  November 3,2009, 10:32am
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No one is in the wrong here. His opinions of your group is perfectly valid. I too, would be a little suspicious if my girlfriend liked to hang out with people where nudity and no-holds-bar kind of attitude is most prevalent. But at the same time, this is what you enjoy and although you do not participate in the nudity and whatever else you don't do, your opinion of this group is just as valid.

So what you have here is an incompatibility and a big one. A big part of who you are is not palatable to your boyfriend. The choices are simple. It can become palatable to your boyfriend, OR you have to give up your circle of friends. Are either of these choices likely? If the answer is no, then there is no point in continuing with the relationship. You'll only continue if he changes, and he will only continue if you change. Not fair to either of you.
 
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stevex is offline stevex Post #10  November 3,2009, 1:52pm
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It sounds like the two of you are vastly differently. It will only work if one of you are willing to put up with the other. I personally feel there has to be a balance, he has to be able to go camping with you with the wild bunch if you are willing to be a home body with him at times, too.

I don't believe people should have to give up too much. I mean, there will always be people out there who will accept you for who you are and who will want to be with you and be wild and a free spirit with you and perhaps you should consider finding someone like that. It is all about the balance and whether or not you are happy with the current situation or not.
 
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