How much should you give, and how much should you stand your ground?


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Jato87 is offline Jato87 Post #11  November 3,2009, 2:23pm
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The previous posts have said about everything, but a couple have phrased it like you have the simple choice of giving up either him or your friends. You have to realize that it's MUCH worse than that. Once you give up your friends, he'll still expect to control your life and other choices. You've even admitted that you as much as asked him for permission to spend an extra night at your club. Could you even consider living the rest of your life like that? I would predict certain disaster if you were to marry.
 
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AsianGal is offline AsianGal Post #12  November 5,2009, 6:36pm
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Well, I had a similar problem with my partner.
I hated his friends because one of them called me a 'b!tch' when I confronted him for bad-mouthing me to my partner.
His other friends were absolute duds, underachievers, low-class mentality, mannerless - somehow pretending you have ill-breeding is something cool in their culture because it shows they can't care less and adds to some twisted view of masculinity.
My partner has been brought up with a very worldly view as he didn't really get time to allow the cultural habits of any particular culture eat into him, so he's quite different from his friends in that respect.
I first told him I couldn't understand why he would want to mix around with such idiots considering he is a much more level-headed person but figured that these were his childhood friends so you really cut childhood friends alot of slack when it comes to their misgivings.
I started to push them away and demand that he stop seeing and contacting them. He did so, stopped talking about them but started doing so behind my back!
So I sat him down and told him that this really isn't working out. What's the point of agreeing to my demands if he's not going to follow through?
I tried to work out a compromise.

I tried to meet his friends and actually sincerely get to know them and see their positive sides along with their negatives as something everyone possesses.
As they started to know me they really ended up liking me (much to the slight jealousy of my partner, lol) and my partner now gets scolded for not thinking of a birthday present for me 2 weeks before my birthday or for not 'listening' to me enough.
The one who called me a 'b!tch' got an earful from my partner who saw the effort I was putting in to accept his friends and incorporate them into our life in a fair and reasonable manner rather than dictate when and how he could or could not see them and felt that he had to take responsibility as well for my happiness and satisfaction.
He made it clear that if he ever disrespected me again he would cut ties with him completely and that is his best friend.
I can understand and see now why he was so hesitant to just cut them off, in his head I was just being demanding and unreasonable because I "just didn't like" them, when really the very thought of them offended me.

I think you have to get your boyfriend to get to know your friends better and make an effort to compromise with him.
Maybe spend more quality time with him but point out if he doesn't notice or expects it to be a given that you do compromise as well when it comes to doing things you do not really enjoy for him.
You could also try to talk to your friends to tone it down when he's around, or introduce the less 'wild' friends to your boyfriend so that he can see that not all of them are bad influences.
You could also get him to fetch you so he can pop in and see there's nothing wild going on and give him a call whenever you're at the club for a quick chat to let him know you're thinking of him.
Its basically the lack of knowledge and understanding of the people and situation which ends up with your boyfriend 'filling in the blanks' with what he doesn't know.
 
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AsianGal is offline AsianGal Post #13  November 5,2009, 6:43pm
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Jato87 wrote :
The previous posts have said about everything, but a couple have phrased it like you have the simple choice of giving up either him or your friends. You have to realize that it's MUCH worse than that. Once you give up your friends, he'll still expect to control your life and other choices. You've even admitted that you as much as asked him for permission to spend an extra night at your club. Could you even consider living the rest of your life like that? I would predict certain disaster if you were to marry.
I agree.
Unless it is something immoral or tempts you to do something such as cheat or form an unacceptable relationship (like a too-close, too-intimate type of friendship with the opposite sex), you really should be able to be free to spend your time doing the things you enjoy like he does.
There should be a compromise.

However, I'm wondering if perhaps you have asked him to do similar for you.
Such as cut a friend off or don't see so-and-so again or visit so-and-so's place.
This might be the reason why he feels he is entitled to air his grievances to you and expect you to give it up.

Also, perhaps I am just conservative, but I too would feel uncomfortable if I knew my partner was with friends, especially if there are members of the opposite sex, who behave in a wanton manner of stripping naked and cavorting around.
Perhaps you can think about that too and try not to participate in the times you know they will be wild and naked.

Its a little like a 'close' friendship with a guy.
Once you are married or in a committed relationship with a fella, you have to maintain a certain distance from this 'close' friendship. It doesn't mean you have to cut it off, but you have to ensure you keep away from situations which might thrust you into a bad spot. (i.e. fought with boyfriend, go see best friend, get drunk telling him how you hate your boyfriend, then...)
 
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UnsinkableMB is offline UnsinkableMB Post #14  November 5,2009, 7:31pm
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Maybe what u really mean by getting along well is he is a warm body and a nice guy, adding something to your life, not building a life.Moving in together is not building a life together. MAYBE HE NEEDS TO GO HOME.
 
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luv2dream67 is offline luv2dream67 Post #15  November 6,2009, 1:10am
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It seems to me as if your bf is not liking the idea of grown adults getting "naked" to let off steam. It sounds a bit like swining. (or leading to that). I don't blame him for that as I would be feeling the same way.

Put yourself in his shoes, would you like for him to get "naked" or even have the option to in front of others????? sounds a bit selfish on your part. Your not going to lunch with a friend, shopping or even a movie... Thats normal, getting naked isn't
 
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sqg123 is offline sqg123 Post #16  November 9,2009, 6:28am
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luv2dream67 wrote :
It seems to me as if your bf is not liking the idea of grown adults getting "naked" to let off steam. It sounds a bit like swining. (or leading to that). I don't blame him for that as I would be feeling the same way.

Put yourself in his shoes, would you like for him to get "naked" or even have the option to in front of others????? sounds a bit selfish on your part. Your not going to lunch with a friend, shopping or even a movie... Thats normal, getting naked isn't
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #17  November 9,2009, 2:34pm
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I am generally of the view that partners have to accept me as I am, and have to live with and agree to all the lifestyle implications of that. That said, accepting me is mostly driven by workplace demands and financial resources.

I do not put other social or family activities ahead of a dating partner (quite the opposite, in fact.)

I think the presence of strange people should not be allowed to impact a relationship, thus I think your boyfriend is correct and you should decide if that lifestyle element is more important that this relationship (and there’s nothing wrong if you do.)

I do think, making any (further) commitment before resolving the issue would be a mistake.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #18  November 9,2009, 2:40pm
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Jato87 wrote :
You have to realize that it's MUCH worse than that. Once you give up your friends, he'll still expect to control your life and other choices.

Conflating the OP with you own baggage?

This particular group is far outside of mainstream society (and potentially damaging to a reputable person's career); rather than dump her for it, he decided to first try to come to a negotiated resolution, like a mature person.

There is no reason to dread that once she conforms to his norm, that any further "control" is warranted.
 
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beachgirl5 is offline beachgirl5 Post #19  November 9,2009, 8:52pm
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Could not agree more with those saying your values aretoo different. Very bad sign when you don't like a potential partner's friends.
 
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lil_lamb is offline lil_lamb Post #20  November 9,2009, 10:18pm
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my boyfriend is a very conventional shut-in too. i pushed his boundaries yesterday by tuning into dr. drew's sex rehab show on t.v. i told him to be nice to me tonight on top of everything else he does and he plucked my nose like a baby.

what i'm saying is, maybe a little bit of humour to lighten things up would help. having some hippie friends isn't really a big deal. i'd say the big deal is the emotional chain reaction - that has to be broken.
 
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