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natka natka is offline
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Seeing this great guy for two months. But I am trying to work on certain things:

1. I never call him or text him. He is always the one initiating contact.
2. I have a habit of not talking to him if something is wrong. but only because i do not want to bother him with trivialities.
3. We both work a lot. i turn off my cellphone a lot to focus on my work and he gets worried about that.
4. I have certain plans that require me to go abroad and every time i bring it up, he gets very upset and tells me it depressed him. So does that mean i have to put my life on hold?
5. I sometimes have a very pessimistic outlook and think that he will leave me suddenly because i am just one of those women.

I want our relationship to continue and grow and see where we end up. I do not care where i go or if i don't go to work abroad, but i just want that option to be open. As for lack of phone calls it is simply because i do not want to bother him. I called him last night and he was very tired and I felt guilty as it is for bothering him. In terms of being a little distant there have been problems in my family and I know he gets hurt if I am hurt so I just don't say anything to he doesn't spend the day worrying about me. As for the pessimistic out look.... The last couple of days I feel as though we have gotten distant. We fought all day on saturday because as I said there are things between my father and I that are going on and I have been very snappy. Sometimes i just feel like i am banging against the wall here... it gets very exhausting. He is the person I love very much and I do not want to hurt him in anyway.
Maybe i should take some time away from him?
How can i really improve on my negatives in order to make both of us happy?
- November 2nd, 2009, 07:09 am
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tmurphy tmurphy is offline
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This is just my 2 cents. Tell him what you just wrote. If I were in his shoes the lack of calls from you would make me feel like, I didn't mean that much to you. And as for taking a break, It doesn't seem like you 2 spend that much time together as it is. When a girl tells me she needs a break I just write off the relationship, and move on. And I really doubt your calls bug him, I love it when my girl calls me. (when I had one). But be honest don't push him away if you really care. I hate when people play games with me, so if you really love him like you say, then talk to him. It seems to me he wants more time with you. But all in all its ur decision and you have to live with it not me. Just don't take to long, I'd like to hear the outcome.
- November 2nd, 2009, 11:28 am
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mnsnowflake mnsnowflake is offline
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natka wrote :
Maybe i should take some time away from him?
How can i really improve on my negatives in order to make both of us happy?
"I love him...Maybe I should take time away from him" That makes no sense to me at all! (sorry, I'm just honest)

"How can I make *both* of us happy?" Well, you can't. You can't "make" someone happy. Each of us owns our own feelings, and control over them.

Communication is such a huge part of a successful relationship. If you can't talk to your guy about certain things, it makes me wonder why. Why would you be afraid to show your vulnerable side to your guy? I understand not wanting to "burden" your partner, but isn't that part of the reason why we have a partner? To be supportive. To be with one who we can totally be ourselves? Why should you have to hide things from him? I'm not understanding this line of thinking at all.

Be yourself, if you want to call your guy, call him. If you need a listening ear, talk to your guy...if he tells you he doesn't want to hear about it, then you need to rethink your relationship...in my opinion.

I wish you luck. As for what you are doing wrong...I'd say you're trying too hard! Relationships are work...but you shouldn't have to try this hard.
- November 2nd, 2009, 11:56 am
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DancingFool DancingFool is online now
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natka wrote :
Seeing this great guy for two months. In dating terms that's a very very short period of time, yet the remainder of your post makes it sound like you've been with each other for years. But I am trying to work on certain things:

1. I never call him or text him. He is always the one initiating contact. That's crazy. You really need to reciprocate and initiate contact - always chasing after someone who does not return the favor can get really really old.
2. I have a habit of not talking to him if something is wrong. but only because i do not want to bother him with trivialities. When something is wrong in your life, it is not a triviality - it's important to you. If you can't talk to your partner about it, then you don't have a relationship. I mean who else would you share with and unburden with if not your partner. It's really a big part of relationships and emotional comfort.
3. We both work a lot. i turn off my cellphone a lot to focus on my work and he gets worried about that.
How would he know you do that and why would he be bothering you at work in the first place. This sounds like a very odd controlling behavior on his part.......
4. I have certain plans that require me to go abroad and every time i bring it up, he gets very upset and tells me it depressed him. So does that mean i have to put my life on hold?
No, you should not put your life on hold for anyone. Again, this sounds like a very odd manipulative and controlling behavior on his part and something that would personally concern me a lot.
5. I sometimes have a very pessimistic outlook and think that he will leave me suddenly because i am just one of those women.
What does this even mean? What or who are "those" women????

Overall, it sounds like you have some self esteem issues and like he is beginning to use and manipulate those issues.
To answer your question, you can improve and make your relationship better by opening your eyes and paying more attention to who he really is. I see some red flags in your post about him that I noted above. Also, you can improve your personal and your relationship happiness level a great deal by recognizing that your needs are actually important and need to be met and that they are not a bother and that they are not trivial. You are trying so hard to please that you are in danger of losing yourself and you will live to regret that.
- November 2nd, 2009, 01:44 pm
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natka natka is offline
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you guys gave me a lot of think about. which is good! thank you very much for replying.
does he have red flags?
well nobody is perfect but he has never upset me or did anything wrong. if you don't include my freaking out he is pretty much the perfect guy. we go really well together on a much deeper level.
maybe it is too perfect and i am not seeing things clearly because of my feelings for him.
- November 2nd, 2009, 02:51 pm
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This is just my take.

Things seem very intense with you after just two months.

If it upsets him to hear you talk of moving abroad and yet you have no concrete plans to move abroad then why do you keep talking about it to him? Are you trying to gauge his attachment to you by checking how upset you can make him?

Why not just tell him that you can't take calls during your working day. I can't in my job. No one has ever had a problem with me over this ~ including my Mom!

You say you don't want to bother him with your stuff but you do bother him and then refuse an explanation. I think you might be the controlling one. If you have private family issues that you do not want to discuss with him (I think 2 months is a short enough period of time for you to keep personal family matters to yourself) then that's fine. However, you allow your 'snappy' and presumably distracted behaviour to show. He asks you how you are, you say "I'm fine" and you're clealy not. This smacks of classic passive aggressive behaviour to me. I've been on the receiving end, trust me, he isn't giving you credit for trying to 'protect' him from worry, you are worrying him, he is worried about why you're anxious and not open about the cause. He'll think you've got a problem with him.
- November 2nd, 2009, 05:51 pm
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Alli824 Alli824 is offline
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Sorry but this does not sound like much of a relationship to me. He seems to be making a lot of the effort and you are giving him very little. Relationships are two way streets. I can only imagine what you're doing to this guy's head. I'm surprised he's still calling. This seems too one sided and not all healthy almost as if you're playing a game --- show me just how much you like me. Communication is essential for any relationship to work.
- November 2nd, 2009, 06:36 pm
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Harvey7 Harvey7 is offline
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I don't know if you've been involved in a potential love affair before, but you're internalizing to much, you ask yourself questions and with negative anticipation respond to your question, which is a big mistake. (It makes you anti-social turning off the phone and the internal thinking.)

Start sitting down with your boyfriend and share your thoughts communicate with him your giving him mixed signals, rather then saying, what you really mean! What's the fun of having a boyfriend if you don't share with him?

Harvey7.
Last edited by Harvey7; November 6th, 2009 at 09:23 am.
- November 5th, 2009, 10:55 am
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Mokkesofie Mokkesofie is online now
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Instead of letting him into your life, you are shutting him out.
- November 5th, 2009, 03:34 pm
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Alli824 wrote :
Sorry but this does not sound like much of a relationship to me. He seems to be making a lot of the effort and you are giving him very little. Relationships are two way streets. I can only imagine what you're doing to this guy's head. I'm surprised he's still calling. This seems too one sided and not all healthy almost as if you're playing a game --- show me just how much you like me. Communication is essential for any relationship to work.

This is a good post.

***

That said, when I read your OP is was thinking you had sounded fine to me. So, I think this is a compatibility issue. The things your partner complains about are things which would not bother me.

Unfortunately, that doesn't help with the present partner.
- November 5th, 2009, 05:59 pm
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