This is an interesting topic and I think in our society today, p0rn is something that is extremely polarizing for reasons that aren't entirely clear.

OK, yes, I'll agree with the others and suggest that perhaps him looking at it the way he does is obsessive and he might have a problem. But I think determining whether it is a problem is a completely relative thing. If it's not affecting his work and he's not doing it in inappropriate places and it's not affecting his sex life with you, then perhaps there is no problem other than the one you have with it. That's not for folks on a message board to determine.

The thing that a lot of people struggle with about p0rn is that they feel that it is somehow a substitute for a real woman, or that it is "cheating" or somehow immoral or wrong. Casting it in such shadows automatically puts getting help, let alone building a relationship, at an extreme disadvantage from the start.

First, there really is nothing wrong with sex. There just isn't. Sex isn't shameful or dirty or something that reasonable adults shouldn't think about and do regularly because it's fun. Our puritanical background gives us all these complex beliefs that surround the whole naked=dirty thing that it makes sorting it all out incredibly difficult. We are ashamed of it for reasons we don't fully understand. Why? Think about it for yourself and see if you can find any real reasons you feel this way other than those society has built into you.

Second, p0rn is usually not a substitute for sex with a partner. It can be an aid, a diversion, whatever, but a lot of women look at it as "me or it" instead of recognizing that men's sexuality is vastly different than their own. Men are visual, women are emotional. When men look at p0rn, they usually aren't wishing that the women they see would replace you, it's completely separate. They have no emotional connection, it's pure sex, and pure visual sex at that. I bet most men would probably say, no, they don't want to have sex with the women they see, they just like looking at them. He probably isn't even wishing that you would be more outrageous in bed because of what he's seeing (although, again, that would probably be warmly welcomed if you're into it). It's quite complicated and hard to understand if you're not a man, but for most men, looking at p0rn is not because there is something lacking with their women--it's just different. I don't have to stop liking steak because I also like cheeseburgers.

Third, yes, many men have different needs than many women. I think it is more common for a couple to have dissimilar sexual appetites than for them to be 100% compatible. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but it does cause situations like this. The key thing to realize is that his interaction with p0rn is just different than his interaction with you, and even if you had sex every day, there may be times when he prefers to be "alone" so to speak. The bottom line is that in most cases, it isn't a shortcoming on anyone's part that someone is looking at p0rn, it's just a different expression of that person's sexuality.

So to get hung up over it and treat him like he's done something wrong without fully understanding the mechanism can sink a relationship (which it apparently has). I'm not blaming you, because your beliefs are legitimate, too, but there's this massive misunderstanding about men and p0rn in general that dooms many relationships for what really amounts to nothing in an honest, open relationship.

Of course, ideally in a relationship, there shouldn't be any closed doors and forbidden areas. I think it causes more harm than good to have to hide something like this, and having the openness that would allow him to express his sexuality any way he wanted with you is a relationship ideal. Having to hide it from you because of disapproval creates deceit and that can erode a relationship from the inside. You don't have to participate (it would probably be flat-out awesome if you did, however, and you'd probably be very welcomed), but at least understanding and accepting it without judgment and prejudice would be an acceptable substitute. "Don't do it when I'm around" is fine, although it still ties a stigma to it that can hurt in the long run.

Ultimately, what a relationship should offer is this: "It's OK to be you, whomever you are, all the time, with me and without me." Knowing that the p0rn is not a substitute for you, not an ideal that you'll never achieve, and not something that he's wishing for from his relationship from you will help you overcome your resistance to it, I suppose. For most healthy men, it really is two completely separate things that have very little to do with one another. Hard to understand, but that's how it is for many men.

And 8 out of 10 men who say they don't watch p0rn or do "that" are probably lying. There's all this shame attached to it that we're forced into that mode, but that's no way for a healthy relationship to exist.