EMTZ is offline EMTZ Post #31  November 2,2009, 8:12pm
EMTZ's Avatar

has quickly adapted back to her lazy lifestyle

Virtuoso

Joined: Dec 2007

Posts: 2,553

See profile

BrickWallsBreak wrote :
Stop defending the guy, Harvey.
Perhaps Harvey also uses his GF's computer to surf p0rn and spend 81% of his time online doing the same?

Seriously, I am far from prudish and have no problem with men watching p0rn. But anyone who can't even stay away from p0rn for 5 minutes and must resort to use someone else's computer for it has a serious problem.
Last edited by EMTZ; November 2,2009 at 8:16pm.
 
  Reply With Quote
BigHitVixen is offline BigHitVixen Post #32  November 3,2009, 1:57am
BigHitVixen's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Oct 2009

British Columbia

Posts: 5

See profile

KiskaKitty wrote :
You should talk to him about it. If he was really trying to hide it, you wouldn't know about it because he would have "cleaned up" his computer before lending it to you.

I'm going to look at this from a different angle, is this perhaps his way of hinting at something? Like trying to spice things up a bit. The only way you're going to know is by confronting him about it. Just comment, at a time when he is calm and relaxed, "hey, I noticed your laptop history has a lot of porn links in it." The key is to not be accusatory, he'll be less likely to open up about it if he feels threatened by your tone or posture.
I agree. You need to talk to him and ask him about the porn. My current partner left porn on my computer when we started our relationship because he wanted to know how I felt about it. At first I was offended that he was looking up porn on my computer, but when we talked about it and he told me that he wanted it to be something we did together to add variety to our sex life, I became more open to it, and we have a great relationship now with lots of variety! ;-)
 
  Reply With Quote
Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #33  November 3,2009, 4:14pm

Veteran

Joined: Mar 2009

East Coast

Posts: 1,079

See profile

EMTZ wrote :
Perhaps Harvey also uses his GF's computer to surf p0rn and spend 81% of his time online doing the same?

Seriously, I am far from prudish and have no problem with men watching p0rn. But anyone who can't even stay away from p0rn for 5 minutes and must resort to use someone else's computer for it has a serious problem.

Based on a lack of objective information you can only speculate! There are always 3 sides to a story and we only heard one side?

It's circumstantial, which translate to in law evidence that is drawn not from direct observation of a fact at issue but from events or circumstances that surround it.

Harvey7.
 
  Reply With Quote
Mugsy is offline Mugsy Post #34  November 4,2009, 1:03pm
Mugsy's Avatar

Enjoys watching the wildlife that show up at the back door.

Newbie

Joined: Oct 2009

Posts: 19

See profile

I have some experience here, having been married to a man who was addicted to porn. Believe me folks: there's a huge difference between enjoying looking at porn once in a while, and having it be 80% of your computer's history!

When I learned of my husband's porn stash and we discussed it, he told me that he "needed" it. That he thought about it "constantly." The big problem for us was that the porn was taking the place of his interacting fully with me and the kids. It was far easier to blow off steam with porn than to engage with the family.

It sounds like Sideline brought up the subject for discussion, and her guy wasn't adult enough to discuss it with her. That's pretty adolescent. Pick up the pieces, Sideline, and count yourself lucky that you didn't marry this guy.
 
  Reply With Quote
Seuss is offline Seuss Post #35  November 9,2009, 11:40am
Seuss's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Sep 2009

Posts: 96

See profile

This is an interesting topic and I think in our society today, p0rn is something that is extremely polarizing for reasons that aren't entirely clear.

OK, yes, I'll agree with the others and suggest that perhaps him looking at it the way he does is obsessive and he might have a problem. But I think determining whether it is a problem is a completely relative thing. If it's not affecting his work and he's not doing it in inappropriate places and it's not affecting his sex life with you, then perhaps there is no problem other than the one you have with it. That's not for folks on a message board to determine.

The thing that a lot of people struggle with about p0rn is that they feel that it is somehow a substitute for a real woman, or that it is "cheating" or somehow immoral or wrong. Casting it in such shadows automatically puts getting help, let alone building a relationship, at an extreme disadvantage from the start.

First, there really is nothing wrong with sex. There just isn't. Sex isn't shameful or dirty or something that reasonable adults shouldn't think about and do regularly because it's fun. Our puritanical background gives us all these complex beliefs that surround the whole naked=dirty thing that it makes sorting it all out incredibly difficult. We are ashamed of it for reasons we don't fully understand. Why? Think about it for yourself and see if you can find any real reasons you feel this way other than those society has built into you.

Second, p0rn is usually not a substitute for sex with a partner. It can be an aid, a diversion, whatever, but a lot of women look at it as "me or it" instead of recognizing that men's sexuality is vastly different than their own. Men are visual, women are emotional. When men look at p0rn, they usually aren't wishing that the women they see would replace you, it's completely separate. They have no emotional connection, it's pure sex, and pure visual sex at that. I bet most men would probably say, no, they don't want to have sex with the women they see, they just like looking at them. He probably isn't even wishing that you would be more outrageous in bed because of what he's seeing (although, again, that would probably be warmly welcomed if you're into it). It's quite complicated and hard to understand if you're not a man, but for most men, looking at p0rn is not because there is something lacking with their women--it's just different. I don't have to stop liking steak because I also like cheeseburgers.

Third, yes, many men have different needs than many women. I think it is more common for a couple to have dissimilar sexual appetites than for them to be 100% compatible. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but it does cause situations like this. The key thing to realize is that his interaction with p0rn is just different than his interaction with you, and even if you had sex every day, there may be times when he prefers to be "alone" so to speak. The bottom line is that in most cases, it isn't a shortcoming on anyone's part that someone is looking at p0rn, it's just a different expression of that person's sexuality.

So to get hung up over it and treat him like he's done something wrong without fully understanding the mechanism can sink a relationship (which it apparently has). I'm not blaming you, because your beliefs are legitimate, too, but there's this massive misunderstanding about men and p0rn in general that dooms many relationships for what really amounts to nothing in an honest, open relationship.

Of course, ideally in a relationship, there shouldn't be any closed doors and forbidden areas. I think it causes more harm than good to have to hide something like this, and having the openness that would allow him to express his sexuality any way he wanted with you is a relationship ideal. Having to hide it from you because of disapproval creates deceit and that can erode a relationship from the inside. You don't have to participate (it would probably be flat-out awesome if you did, however, and you'd probably be very welcomed), but at least understanding and accepting it without judgment and prejudice would be an acceptable substitute. "Don't do it when I'm around" is fine, although it still ties a stigma to it that can hurt in the long run.

Ultimately, what a relationship should offer is this: "It's OK to be you, whomever you are, all the time, with me and without me." Knowing that the p0rn is not a substitute for you, not an ideal that you'll never achieve, and not something that he's wishing for from his relationship from you will help you overcome your resistance to it, I suppose. For most healthy men, it really is two completely separate things that have very little to do with one another. Hard to understand, but that's how it is for many men.

And 8 out of 10 men who say they don't watch p0rn or do "that" are probably lying. There's all this shame attached to it that we're forced into that mode, but that's no way for a healthy relationship to exist.
 
  Reply With Quote
Wolfram is offline Wolfram Post #36  November 12,2009, 6:43am
Wolfram's Avatar

is happy.

Newbie

Joined: Nov 2009

Posts: 2

See profile

I enjoy reading the responses hear. There is a wide range of things for you to choose from. I want to add one more small thing to the mix before you completely jump in.

You really have three things you need to find out before you can make your decision. First of all, you have to find out what your boyfriend will say when you confront him with your findings and secondly what he is willing to rectify the situation. Finally you have to decide exactly what you are willing to tolerate and what you are willing to forgive if he gets help.

His viewing of pornographic material at the level he does could be an indicator of how he views a normal male / female relationship. This is something that should alarm you. There are places that can help him treat this but he has to want to do that.

Peace to you,

Wolf
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« Dumps me but says she could see it working? | Relationships | Long Distance Advice Needed »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
Welcome and Tips for eHarmony Advice Newbies! eHA_Admin_Lori Talk to your Community Team 10 February 9,2012 1:07pm
Free Communication Weekend: Advice for Visitors Robert_inSD Using eHarmony 12 April 9,2010 10:05pm
New Discussion Board System for eHarmony Advice! eharmony Dating 172 July 17,2009 11:02pm
Are you NEW to eHarmony Advice? Welcome! PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING! eH_Advice_Admin_Lori Dating 0 April 16,2009 11:39am

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“The tennis ball story is a good analogy, RD, and that's how I interpret "gut feeling" -- a conclusion/sense of something that's a thought, not a feeling; though it will have feelings associated with ... ” –  Sassafras54

Join the “Is Your Gut Leading - or Misleading You?” discussion

“Agree. Given where you are emotionally, I would cease all communication with Mr. Trade Show. You're vulnerable. He's up for a challenge. It's playing with fire. You'll be in a bad place in the ... ” –  emma_hazards

Join the “Received lovely email from former poofer” discussion

“How about phone calls, then?” –  barbarella_42

Join the “Advice on Response time” discussion

“I have never spoken to a woman like he has. Yeah, I have never spoken to a woman like that either. It is a hard call to whether he is just as jerk, or whether he is a player. Both are feasible ... ” –  ScottK

Join the “So, men. Explain this to me, please!” discussion

“I have come to this same conclusion. Thank you.” –  bibittyboo

Join the “Confused about date #2” discussion

“Harmonygirl, I do not usually make up my mind on blanket situations but instead would examine each one on it's own merits, so I cannot answer your question. However, just in the going about of daily ... ” –  Ephemera

Join the “Atheism, Religion and Tolerance” discussion

“I was ok until the kiss on the cheek part....That doesn't sound like your defenses were up at all... It's one thing for a guy to walk up and start with the cheesy lines....But as soon as I say, "no ... ” –  Ingytravel

Join the “So this guy walks into a bar . . .” discussion

“ No. It is not wise. You have to throw all your eggs into one basket for love to work at all. Relationships are inherently riskier than careers. You can't use the same rules. You might lose ... ” –  harnomygirl

Join the “Becoming Exclusive” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 2:42am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0