sideline is offline sideline Post #11  October 30,2009, 7:45am
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maybe I am trying to analyze things too much, but it makes me wonder why when he was on my computer and I was on the phone, which may have been a total of 5 minutes would he google porn and then not delete it. Was he wanting me to find it? Was he wanting me to get upset? Sometimes people do things like this so the other person will get mad . It may be their easy way of ending or getting out of a relationship.
 
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KiskaKitty is offline KiskaKitty Post #12  October 30,2009, 7:54am
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You should talk to him about it. If he was really trying to hide it, you wouldn't know about it because he would have "cleaned up" his computer before lending it to you.

I'm going to look at this from a different angle, is this perhaps his way of hinting at something? Like trying to spice things up a bit. The only way you're going to know is by confronting him about it. Just comment, at a time when he is calm and relaxed, "hey, I noticed your laptop history has a lot of porn links in it." The key is to not be accusatory, he'll be less likely to open up about it if he feels threatened by your tone or posture.
Last edited by KiskaKitty; October 30,2009 at 7:55am. Reason: he is not an it
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #13  October 30,2009, 8:30am

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Harvey7 wrote :
There has been no discussion, no communications on the subject, just speculation because she snooped. What are her options and what would she be willing to do to help him get past it? What would you be willing to do to help someone that you like very much? There is a reason for everything?

Harvey7.
I guess I am looking at this differently. Why does he need to be helped past it? One year she has known this person and never had any problems with his behavior or how he treats her. At least none she discussed in this post. So why is this new knowledge an issue? It is an issue only because of her ideas about porn. The issues are not his they are hers.Yes if he loves her he will change for her. Making someone change for you also runs the risk of destroying something you loved about them. People tend not to consider the complexity of one's personality. You are the sum of all experiences, beliefs, actions, desires, etc. Changing anything changes the person.Can you tell I am a firm believer in not changing other people to suit your needs?
 
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sideline is offline sideline Post #14  October 30,2009, 8:50am
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I will confront him. I know I shouldnt be jumping to conclusions about this person, but Already I feel differently towards him.(which is probably not fair).. like who is he really, Am I not enough for him? I just find it strange that he would need to look at that much porn when in what I thought was a good relationship. When he lent him his computer, was he not thinking that I might see it. Why would he not delete it or have discussed it with me? Maybe I am just feeling insecure..
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #15  October 30,2009, 9:14am

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sideline wrote :
I will confront him. I know I shouldnt be jumping to conclusions about this person, but Already I feel differently towards him.(which is probably not fair).. like who is he really, Am I not enough for him? I just find it strange that he would need to look at that much porn when in what I thought was a good relationship. When he lent him his computer, was he not thinking that I might see it. Why would he not delete it or have discussed it with me? Maybe I am just feeling insecure..
He probably didn't delete it because it isn't about you. If the reason he looks at porn is because to him you are not enough he would have hidden it. Not sure how to explain this correctly. If in his mind there was a connection to you with the porn he would have felt guilty and deleted it. I wish I could explain this better but I really feel the issues are with you. I believe your statement I quoted explains your feelings very well. Now you just need to figure out what you want to do.I am a strange creature and I know that. If I were him I would break up with you if you confronted me with this. To me(and maybe only me) it shows a lack of trust. I guess look at it this way, he wasn't hiding anything from you. That is a huge amount of trust he put in you. To me that speaks of deep love.
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #16  October 30,2009, 10:27am

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sideline wrote :
I will confront him. I know I shouldnt be jumping to conclusions about this person, but Already I feel differently towards him.(which is probably not fair).. like who is he really, Am I not enough for him? I just find it strange that he would need to look at that much porn when in what I thought was a good relationship. When he lent him his computer, was he not thinking that I might see it. Why would he not delete it or have discussed it with me? Maybe I am just feeling insecure..

Why do you want to confront him? The trick is not to confront him, rather to engage him into a compelling conversation! The way to begin is to sit down with a glass of wine and a quiet atmosphere and begin with; I have been dating a really nice man for over a year now. We have a great relationship. recently you has been leaving me clues for me to find.

My question is why? I noticed an icon on his computer and opened it up to find that it was porn, Also about a week ago he was on my computer looking up lonely planet information,while I was on the phone. When he had gone home, I went onto my computer and noticed that he had googled some porn. What are you trying to tell me? Put the ball in his court and see what happens?

Harvey7.
 
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sideline is offline sideline Post #17  October 30,2009, 10:55am
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good point Harvey. I will try that! Thanks
 
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BrickWallsBreak is offline BrickWallsBreak Post #18  October 30,2009, 1:08pm
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Sideline, here is some research and exdplanation on pornography addiction.

Pornography addiction - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Read the stages of addiction by Young.

Sorry, if he is looking at porn in a 5-minute window he had while you were on the phone, he has an addiction ... and if 80% of his laptop browser history is porn links, that speaks volumes about what he does with his time when you aren't around.
 
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cryforhelp30 is offline cryforhelp30 Post #19  October 30,2009, 4:31pm
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Yes, I agree with the gentleman it has to be an addiction. I mean to me it has no purpose, and I know so many people relationships ended because of that. My question to him would be "am I not doing something or doing it wrong that you are looking at so much porn"? I mean what is he doing when he is looking at it, are you around? I just think it is a bit much I mean 80%!
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #20  October 31,2009, 8:17am
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Yes "confrontation" is probably not the right attitude if you want to keep this relationship. "Exploration" might be better. The outcome of the talk doesn't have to be an immediate decision about where this relationship is going. You got a nasty surprise about him and need to find out what it means.

Some people see nothing wrong with porn; others do. You need to clarify for yourself what you think and feel about it, in general, and find out what it means for you bf: is he using it in a way you can accept? or not?

Good luck!
 
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