Honestly... 2nd marriage, blending families? Is it worth it?


View Poll Results: If you have already married for the 2nd time and blended families... would you do it again?
Hell no! 0 0%
I'm madly in love with my wife. but... it will be better when the kids are grown. 0 0%
I love my wife and her children. It's been hard but worth it. 1 100.00%
Absolutely yes!!! 1 100.00%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 1. You may not vote on this poll

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Aimsta72 is offline Aimsta72 Post #1  October 26,2009, 12:42pm
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is at work.

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For those of you who have already taken on this challenge, I would like to know:

A. Would you do it again?
B. Do you wish you would have waited until the kids were grown?

There have been many times I wonder.... is it really worth it. I am madly in love with an amazing man and issues keep coming up with the kids. Mine as well as his.
His behavior shifts and he becomes a different, more distant person around his teenage daughter. I understand being sensitive to her feelings but not at the expense of my own. It seems like I am invisible. It would appear that he is giving her a lot of control and power over our relationship. Is this just teaching her that it's OK to manipulate and intimidate the men in our lives? I think it's more important to show that it's possible to be in a loving, healthy relationship. I know he and I are both happier when we are together. That affects all of our children in a positive manner.
Believe me I am sensitive to the situation and I do not want to take her dad away or become her mother (she has a great mom).
If things are already difficult in our relationship when it is relatively new (5 months)... I can't help but think that when real life hits it will be even more unmanageable.

I look forward to hearing from you!!!
 
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PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #2  October 26,2009, 1:11pm

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How long has he been divorced? If it's new then it's understandable that he's trying to be sensitive to his daughter's feelings, but if the divorce has been for a while sounds like he is trying to be her friend more than her parent.

I have a friend (who met his great match through EH). The match has teenage kids and they are getting along just fine.

Parents should have the control over their kids and not the other way around.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #3  October 26,2009, 2:10pm
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thinks everyone should just ask themselves, WWBBD?

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It doesn't really matter if any of us would do it again as I'm sure those of us who have gone through it learned from the experience and know what to look for the next time.

The more important question is, are you willing to do it? ...with this guy? ...knowing what you know and feeling what you feel about his relationship with his daughter and his relationship with you when his daughter is around?

Don't expect him to change.
 
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ltc89 is offline ltc89 Post #4  October 26,2009, 2:43pm
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This seems like one of those issues with two sides - and neither side is right or wrong in all cases. For every person who will post that it's so difficult that it's not worth the risk or effort, there will be another that will say it's very workable and worthwhile.

I see it is very individual. It depends on the couple, the kids, other issues the kids may be grappling with, the exes involved, etc.. Certainly if a couple is evaluating a relationship like this for it's "seriousness" potential, there's a clear need for some deep and lengthy communication and planning around it. It would seem to me (as a single dad with custody, who never would have tried it when my kids were still at home) that it could work, but not without dedication and effort.

That said, it could be immensely rewarding it it all goes the right way.
 
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sqg123 is offline sqg123 Post #5  October 26,2009, 6:30pm
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70 percent of second marriages that involve stepchildren fail. Everybody thinks they will be different. 70% of the people are wrong.

Before you gamble on this consider how it will feel to be divorced twice. You have a very good chance of being that person if you marry him while your children live at home.
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #6  October 26,2009, 8:35pm

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The survey has no bearing on real life depending on your mood at the time that you answer the questions, it's an emotional trigger response.

The biggest problem right now is that both your boy friend and his daughter have unresolved issues and both are dysfunctional. This most certainly carry over into a new relationship and you will be the outsider that they strike out at. If mom was so great why is she on the outside looking in?

How many children do you have and how old are they? Have you and your kids had any counseling?

His daughter is used to being the Queens of the roost, now comes along a new Queen, how does she get even with you, by taking it out on your kids! The answer is look before you leap? What is the rush to blend families and get married? I would suggest that the three of you get involved in family counseling for 3 or 4 months and heed the advise of the therapist!

Harvey7
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #7  October 26,2009, 9:17pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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sqg123 wrote :
70 percent of second marriages that involve stepchildren fail. Everybody thinks they will be different.
Not me. I know I'm just like everybody else.
 
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beautifulgenius is offline beautifulgenius Post #8  October 26,2009, 9:18pm
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Right now, I am looking at the very same possibility. I grew up in a "blended" family , and it wasn't easy. And I wasn't looking forward to becoming a step-anything. Then I met the most wonderful man, and he has two wonderful kids, and we all get along. Is it going to be worth it in the end?? I like the stability, the friendship that has already developed within the already made family, X-mas should be interesting and more fun. Would I have recommended it a long time ago??? NOPE...But you have to take a chance. Take your time, remember that you have to communicate a lot more, be prepared for anything and when things go wrong stick around and work things out.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #9  October 26,2009, 9:34pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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beautifulgenius wrote :
Then I met the most wonderful man, and he has two wonderful kids, and we all get along. Is it going to be worth it in the end?? I like the stability, the friendship that has already developed within the already made family, X-mas should be interesting and more fun. Would I have recommended it a long time ago??? NOPE...But you have to take a chance.
Seriously....it's a good thing some folks are willing to get involved with people who have previous children, otherwise everyone who has children and is divorced would be #%^% out of luck. Myself....I probably wouldn't do it.
 
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