Girlfriend is smoking behind my back.


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steelerspens8687 is offline steelerspens8687 Post #1  October 26,2009, 8:18am
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My girlfriend told me that she quit smoking about 10 months ago. I have found her smoking at least once a month since then. I let it go at first because I figured it was hard and she was trying. Now she is smoking behind my back everychance she has alone. She has multiple packs of cigarettes hidden in different places and it is obvious that she is smoking when im not around. She does not know that I know about this. This has been an ongoing issue that I am just tired of talking about, but I am so mad about her doing this behind my back that I just think I need to bring it up even though I do not want to have the same conversation over and over. Every time we have this conversation she gets defensive and it turns into a fight that she says is my fault. It is not the smoking that bothers me at this point, it is that she is going behind my back and doing it and still acting like she quit and is so proud of herself for quitting. What should I do in this situation?
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #2  October 26,2009, 12:16pm
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Find a new girlfriend.......
This may sound flippant, but I really do mean it. There are all kinds of underlying issues here and none of them are good. Bottom line is that if the person is lying and their habits are unacceptable to you, they are not going to change and you will not cause change to happen. Find someone that you can be with, who is more suitable and that's that.
 
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CapnCrunch23 is offline CapnCrunch23 Post #3  October 26,2009, 12:29pm

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Take her on a field trip to the cancer wing at the hospital!!

That is what got me to stop smoking. I work with hospitals. My clients take me of tours of their facilities all the time. After seeing and meeting some of the patients with conditions caused from smoking. I never wanted to smoke again after that.
Two years cold turkey.
Last edited by CaptCrunch23; October 26,2009 at 6:34pm. Reason: then take neardc advice.
 
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Mokkesofie is offline Mokkesofie Post #4  October 26,2009, 12:36pm
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I believe her lying takes root in her being guilty about it. She probably really wants to stop smoking but can't do it by herself and the guilt and feeling a failure makes her go into a defensive mood and that's why she overreacts. If you can take it up with her and talk calmly about it, reassure her that you will help her with stopping and suggest that she gets help from someone professional as well, it might help her end the smoking.
It's not easy to stop smoking, it's an addiction and she needs all the help and support she can get. Good luck with it.
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #5  October 26,2009, 12:41pm
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Bring it up, but in a non-hostile way and with understanding. It sounds like she may be too embarrassed and ashamed to admit that she has once again failed in her effort to quit.

What methods has she been using to quit? Is she just trying to quit on her own? Has she seen her doctor for medication (there are new, effective ones)? Is she accessing any other support resources to help her?

It is not uncommon for it to take multiple attempts before successfully quiting. Smoking is a highly addictive behavior and just "wanting" to quit often isn't enough... You can help her by being supportive and non-judgmental and by helping her identify and access resources that can assist her.
 
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trixie1868 is offline trixie1868 Post #6  October 26,2009, 1:06pm

what the bejeezus is going on round here?!

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Secretly smoking! Say it aint so.

Seriously it is an addiction. If it was easy to stop it wouldn't be an addiction. You need to be uber supportive, arm yourselves with as much medical information as you can, be patient and why not try to give something that you really like up at the same time so you can buddy her.

Sounds like she truly wants to stop.

When I was a kid I remember my Dad stopping smoking after 20 years or so on 40 to 60 a day. He was a pig to live with, so much so that my Mum begged him to smoke again. He did, for a few months and then stopped completely abruptly and has never smoked since. Second time round he was much better. Maybe your girlfriend is one of these. Hope so for both of your sakes. I've still got my Dad and I know I'm lucky for that.
 
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PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #7  October 26,2009, 1:24pm

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The smoking behind your back is one thing...but blaming you for it...that's crazy.
 
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stevex is offline stevex Post #8  October 26,2009, 1:47pm
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Is she committed to quitting, why do you want her to quit? Would you be understanding about it and help her if she was committed and if it is that big of a deal and she isn't committed but you won't be happy if she doesn't quit than perhaps you shouldn't date her.

I am a smoker, my two recent ex-girlfriends didn't like it. I made it clear I had no plans to quit smoking but that I wouldn't smoke around them or before I went to see them. I don't smoke in my car or my house so it wasn't a big deal. With the right woman though, I might be willing to give it up all together.
 
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bigfincat is offline bigfincat Post #9  October 26,2009, 5:06pm
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I wouldn't introduce so much tension into a decent relationship about a minor issue such as this.

I do prefer a non-smoker but don't mind if they smoke some if that is what they really want to do. I have been with some that have smoked very occassionally & that was perfectly fine.

If she was a smoker when you started & is smoking less now then I would view that as a positive.
 
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hazmat is offline hazmat Post #10  October 26,2009, 5:42pm
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If you're not going to dump her, make a game of it. Seek out those hidden cigarettes and just leave the empty pack, or put those little prank things in them that make them blow up, or make them disappear and claim innocence
 
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