Girlfriend is smoking behind my back.


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p_babe is offline p_babe Post #21  October 27,2009, 8:11am
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steelerspens8687 wrote :
My girlfriend told me that she quit smoking about 10 months ago. I have found her smoking at least once a month since then. I let it go at first because I figured it was hard and she was trying. Now she is smoking behind my back everychance she has alone. She has multiple packs of cigarettes hidden in different places and it is obvious that she is smoking when im not around. She does not know that I know about this. This has been an ongoing issue that I am just tired of talking about, but I am so mad about her doing this behind my back that I just think I need to bring it up even though I do not want to have the same conversation over and over. Every time we have this conversation she gets defensive and it turns into a fight that she says is my fault. It is not the smoking that bothers me at this point, it is that she is going behind my back and doing it and still acting like she quit and is so proud of herself for quitting. What should I do in this situation?
The issue here is not that she's addicted to cigarettes but that she lied to you and didn't take responsibility for her actions (as evidenced by her saying it was your fault). You now see 2 character flaws: deception and unwillingness to take personal responsibility for actions. Decide if you wish to tolerate these flaws for the rest of your life. And believe me, these flaws will continue to rear their ugly head.
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #22  October 27,2009, 8:25am

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p_babe wrote :
The issue here is not that she's addicted to cigarettes but that she lied to you and didn't take responsibility for her actions (as evidenced by her saying it was your fault). You now see 2 character flaws: deception and unwillingness to take personal responsibility for actions. Decide if you wish to tolerate these flaws for the rest of your life. And believe me, these flaws will continue to rear their ugly head.
Cut her a little slack, as hard as she is trying he is pressuring her and its like food it's her only escape! He should buy her a 2 or 3 visit gift certificate to a Hypnotherapist.

Harvey7.
 
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shellyg is offline shellyg Post #23  October 27,2009, 4:04pm
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It is an addiction and what makes it difficult is that she is attempting to hide it from you. You will never be able to control it so don't try. If she wants to quit she will but I think the big issue here is the lying. It sounds to me like she does not want you to be disappointed or hurt that she really has not quit. So, you two should sit down and have a discussion and confront her about it in a non-hostile manner of course. Good luck!
 
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Mokkesofie is offline Mokkesofie Post #24  October 27,2009, 4:20pm
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There is lying and there is lying. I wouldn't dish the girlfriend for this kind of lying. I wouldn't even call it lying, to me it is more in the fibbing category. I would sit her down and talk to her in a calm way, offer her help and support in giving up and give it the time it takes without loosing patience. It might be 2 steps forward and one back but she'll get there if she really wants to quit.
There are much much worse and serious kinds of lying than this.
 
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WYskywatcher is offline WYskywatcher Post #25  October 27,2009, 5:12pm
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Seems you will have to decide if her smoking is a deal-breaker for you. By her behavior, it sounds like she believes that it is. If it's not, maybe you should just give her 'permission' to smoke around you.

Berating her for not quitting is not going to be helpful. Paraphrasing another poster from another thread: If you can't accept her EXACTLY the way she is, the most loving thing to do is to let her go. Painful, but loving. Trying to change another person is a recipe for disaster.
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #26  October 27,2009, 5:30pm

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I guess to be more simple, I wonder if she is being honest with herself.

There is a fine line between 'trying to quit' and 'smoking occasionally'

she might put herself in the 'occasionally' category but says 'trying to quit' because she is afraid her boyfriend won't accept her otherwise.

I've smoked 'occasionally' included not at all for months at a time since I was 18. I'm not afraid of being addicted nor do I fell like I have to 'quit' because it's not an issue and I actually forget about it...and for me increasing the frequency actually makes me sick so I stop naturally. It has happened.

I'm not saying she is the same, but it sounds like she is behaving in a way that is not healthy, due to some outside pressure...at least to me. Some people feel more compelled to do unhealthy things when they feel pressured or like they will not be accepted or loved for something that to them is not a big deal. It becomes a bit of a tug of war.
 
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shinypenny is offline shinypenny Post #27  October 31,2009, 10:14am
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It sounds as though she really likes you and is conflicted. She doesn't want to disappoint you, but she is simply no longer interested in quitting.

It also sounds as though her quitting is more important to you than it is to her. That is why she is ashamed to tell you the truth about it.

I have been in situations where I have felt compelled to lie about something to my partner because I don't want to have to deal with his reaction. From this moment, I know the relationship is over. If I can't be honest with my partner about everything without him flying off the handle or it becoming a huge production, then I am no longer being myself. It is time to find someone who can accept me for who I am, not who they want me to be. And vice versa. If my partner isn't comfortable telling me the truth, then he is not comfortable being himself around me. Who wants that?

That being said, the right thing to do would have been to muster up the courage to tell you the truth and give you the option of deciding whether you are willing to stay with someone who has chosen to smoke or whether you'd be happier elsewhere.

I think you should confront her and tell her that lying to each other only leads to a very bad place in the relationship that you're not willing to go. You'd rather end things nicely now, than string things along and have them get out of control later. Believe me, if this is a pattern, you are doing you both a favor. Be firm and plan your emergency exit in case of any crying or begging.
 
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dnnmllr is offline dnnmllr Post #28  October 31,2009, 10:34am
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shellyg wrote :
It is an addiction and what makes it difficult is that she is attempting to hide it from you. You will never be able to control it so don't try. If she wants to quit she will but I think the big issue here is the lying. It sounds to me like she does not want you to be disappointed or hurt that she really has not quit. So, you two should sit down and have a discussion and confront her about it in a non-hostile manner of course. Good luck!
This is a good suggestion.
Last edited by dnnmllr; October 31,2009 at 11:13am. Reason: confront = discuss "(in a non-hostile manner) of course"
 
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jojogirl1964 is offline jojogirl1964 Post #29  October 31,2009, 5:17pm
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Is the problem that you are angry that she is going behind your back, or that you are so concerned about her health that it is worrying you that she is going to make herself ill.
You cant make a smoker quit, or a drug addict stop taking drugs, only she can make the decision to quit. Your decision has to be, well how much do I love her, enough to stick around and put up with it,,,or hey not realy that much,,,so if its not realy that much, go and get on with your life.
CHOICE is hers to make, as well as yours.
 
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relationshipqs is offline relationshipqs Post #30  January 2,2010, 8:41am
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A few questions to ask yourself:

Is smoking a dealbreaker? If she continues to smoke, will you break it off?

Is it the smoking or the lying that bothers you more?

Do you have any habits that might bother someone? (excessive drinking, consumption of caffeine/energy drinks, overreating, gambling, junk food, etc.)

Does she have any other addictions? (gambling, drinking, drugs, sex, shopping, etc.)

Does she want to quit? Or is she trying to quit for you?

_____

To those who object to smoking as a health issue:

I agree that smoking is a health risk (I've worked with cancer patients in the past, too and have relatives who've died of emphysema and smoking-related cancer). It's not as great as other health risks that non-smokers engage in.

The #1 killer is heart failure - the main cause of which is usually heart disease related directly to poor diet and lack of exercise. Not necessarily even being obese, just simply eating very poorly and not moving the body enough. Then there are the anorexics, bulimics, alcoholics, steroid users, obsessive exercisers, and the dozens of other "issues" that we can have and are unable to manage or control.

Before writing off a smoker, evaluate your own situation and see what addictions you have or in what ways you don't work toward optimal health. Then decide if you want to give up a truly good person who loves you, and happens to smoke.

(I always said I never wanted to be with a smoker, but the man I'm involved with right now happens to smoke. For the wonderful qualities he has, the incredible goodness of his heart, and how well he treats the people in his life, I have decided that the smoking is not an issue.)
Last edited by relationshipqs; January 2,2010 at 10:48am.
 
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