Girlfriend is smoking behind my back.

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brneyedangel — Advice Member-Moderator Post #11 October 26,2009, 5:49pm

would very much appreciate it if the rain would stop, now! Thanks!

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Doing things behind another person's back is never good, whatever the reason. Quitting smoking is hard--I know this first hand--but it can be done. The worst thing to do in any situation, though, is to lie or mislead the other person and break the trust in a relationship--and then shifting the blame to the other person just causes more damage. It seems like there's a lot more going on with her than just not being able to admit that she can't quit smoking.

OverAnalyzer Post #12 October 26,2009, 5:51pm

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It is not the smoking that bothers me at this point, it is that she is going behind my back and doing it and still acting like she quit and is so proud of herself for quitting. What should I do in this situation?

Why don't you both sit down and calmly say to her what you said to us and see how she responds. If you don't want to be with a smoker come up with a compromise or make a choice. You are both stressing out about this but neither is addressing it with a solution in mind.

Good luck.

cp30 Post #13 October 26,2009, 6:06pm

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I smoke on occasion. Seriously, I've never been addicted and enjoy it on occasion the same way you might enjoy chocolate on occasion or a greasy meal from McDonalds.

I am honest that I smoke occasionally and rarely do it in front of people who don't smoke.

One reason is that I know I'm not addicted and it's very tiring to listen to people who insist that isn't even possible and are condescending and rude.

I actually think smoking is gross most of the time, but sometimes it just goes good with a glass of wine or coffee, or after an unusually stressful day.

People being jerks about this occasional thing though, takes all the fun out of it.

Maybe that is why she does it behind your back. If she was truly addicted do you think she would really be able to hide it?

I know I'm unique in that I really don't smoke, but like to occasionally and can control it. (In fact I find the benefits for me outweigh any negatives). But I do know other people like me. I'd never smoke in my house either and do not like to smoke in enclosed places at all.

I think smoking has been criminalized to the point of a little bit of absurdity....smoking a few cigarettes a week or month isn't any worse than living near a busy highway....

Anyway, I guess just talk to her about it and if its that big of an issue you should break up.

I'm annoyed with people that take these things too seriously (as she could be) just as you are annoyed with people who smoke at all, so I guess it's not a good pairing.

I had a friend who quit for her boyfriend...and she would sneak in some smoking behind his back. I thought it was ridiculous actually as she was deathly afraid of being caught.

I guess it's true that some people are just addicts and have to avoid things all together and if caught could be seen as 'reverting' but as someone who has always been able to avoid addiction to smoking it can be hard to understand the big deal.

PR_Princess Post #14 October 26,2009, 7:25pm

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If your girlfriend is truly interested in kicking the habit...there are so many options out there on the market (gum, pills, hypnotherapy etc.) These are options she needs to speak to her primary physician about as trying to kick the habit will negatively effect her before she reaps the benefits (stress, weight gain, and all those wonderful effects when trying to get off an addiction). Remember that this is not only a chemical dependency but also a psychological one and she would benefit also from some counseling to help her discover and reign in what caused her to start up and continue to be dependent on something that not only is dragging her down physically but also jeopardizing her relationship with you.

I really liked the idea put forth by one of the posters about sharing experiences with those who are suffering from effects of long term use. I myself do not smoke because of the suffering I witness two of my closest relatives go through. One died after a long and painful fight with emphysema and another was blessed to survive an aneurism in her brain. Even after the surgery she still struggles with her need for cigarettes though she has significantly cut down the amount she smokes. So arguing over the subject will only get you both that much closer to breaking up. I suggest being her biggest supporter and cheerleader and being proactive by educating yourselves about the options available would be a good path to take. Remember a person cannot be healed unless they choose to do so. If it continues to be a problem for both you then dissolving the relationship may be your only option. I could not live with a smoker myself, I love life too much to have to sacrifice my life to be a caretaker because of someone's bad habit.

Wonderwoman402 Post #15 October 26,2009, 8:10pm

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brneyedangel wrote :

I completely agree with this. I've had 2 ex-boyfriends who told me they had quit smoking before we met. Turns out it was a lie in both cases, and in both cases they continued to sneak smokes and make up stories about it (someone else was smoking in their car, etc.)

One of the guys... seriously... NO normal person uses that much Febreeze in their car on a daily basis. (He claimed he just loved the fresh scent...) That disposable cigarette lighter in the car? Claimed his deceased son gave it to him so he was emotionally attached to it (no way that was true, his son had BEGGED him to quit). On our vacation, he just HAD to leave our room early and go for a walk/get some fresh air by himself (from a man who NEVER, EVER excercises or goes for walks alone). He wasn't fooling me, but I never called him out on it, figuring I'd let him save face and trusting that he really was wanting to quit. Turns out he was lying about other things, too. Lying was a way of life for him. It took me a while to figure that part out, tho.

I would have MUCH preferred that they told the truth, that they were trying to quit and it was hard, and asked for my patience and support (and they would have had it). Or that they had no intention to quit and really wanted those 2 or 3 cigarettes/day (he had cut back).

Instead all I got were more lies and more cover ups.

I never say never, but because of those two it is extremely unlikely I will date a "trying to quit" guy again.

beautifulgenius Post #16 October 26,2009, 8:47pm

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She is trying to please you, but it wasn't her idea to quit smoking , was it??

First she has to quit for herself and because she wants too. Next, you have to stay by her side irregardless of how bad she becomes for it to become worth it , to actually stay off the nasty habit forever. So, either be prepared for an argument everytime you bring it up, OR let her know that you will support her in spite of her habit and will support her when she finally makes it her own decision to stop.

How many times has she tried to stop and she couldn't??

neardc Post #17 October 26,2009, 8:55pm

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cp30 wrote :

Maybe that is why she does it behind your back. If she was truly addicted do you think she would really be able to hide it?

Ahhhh....but it appears that she hasn't been able to hide it or else he wouldn't be aware of it.

Some excerpts below from research-based government info on smoking and smoking cessation....

From the Centers for Disease Control:
What if a person smokes again after quitting?

Many smokers find it difficult to quit. People commonly quit smoking and then find themselves smoking again, especially in the first few weeks or months after quitting. People who smoke after quitting should try again to quit. Most people find that they need to persist in their attempts to quit smoking before they quit for good. It may take four or more attempts before smokers are able to quit for good. People who stop smoking for 3 months or longer have an excellent chance of remaining cigarette free for the rest of their lives.

From the National Institute on Drug Abuse....
Is Nicotine Addictive?

Yes. Most smokers use tobacco regularly because they are addicted to nicotine. Addiction is characterized by compulsive drug seeking and abuse, even in the face of negative health consequences. It is well documented that most smokers identify tobacco use as harmful and express a desire to reduce or stop using it, and nearly 35 million of them want to quit each year. Unfortunately, more than 85 percent of those who try to quit on their own relapse, most within a week.

Research has shown how nicotine acts on the brain to produce a number of effects. Of primary importance to its addictive nature are findings that nicotine activates reward pathways—the brain circuitry that regulates feelings of pleasure. A key brain chemical involved in mediating the desire to consume drugs is the neurotransmitter dopamine, and research has shown that nicotine increases levels of dopamine in the reward circuits. This reaction is similar to that seen with other drugs of abuse and is thought to underlie the pleasurable sensations experienced by many smokers. For many tobacco users, long-term brain changes induced by continued nicotine exposure result in addiction.

Are There Gender Differences in Tobacco Smoking?

Large-scale smoking cessation trials show that women are less likely to initiate quitting and may be more likely to relapse if they do quit. In cessation programs using nicotine replacement methods, such as the patch or gum, the nicotine does not seem to reduce craving as effectively for women as for men. Other factors that may contribute to women’s difficulty with quitting are that withdrawal may be more intense for women or that women are more concerned about weight gain.

Harvey7 Post #18 October 26,2009, 8:57pm

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cp30 wrote :

Like Bill Clinton said I smoked pot, but I never inhales it!
Liar Liar Pants on Fire! (HaHaHa!)

Harvey7.

cp30 Post #19 October 26,2009, 9:19pm

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yes, thanks....two good examples I avoid even mentioning that I smoke occasionally to people.

I don't need the lecture, or the 'liar liar' that's not possible.

Is it addictive? sure.

But it doesn't happen to everyone.

I'm not saying this girl isn't affected.

But I was thinking of an experience where I may have had one cigarette in 3 weeks. It was before I went to meet someone, and I was nervous. I felt like having a cigarette. That person may have smelled it on me and developed an idea that I smoke.

I really don't and would be annoyed if someone classified me that way. Obviously I try to avoid that happening, and wouldn't be suprised if someone thought I was 'hiding' it.

For instance.... I rarely smoke on the weekdays but might have one cigarette on a friday or saturday night before I go out for the evening because it has a slight relaxing affect, reminds me it's the weekend, and can be kind of fun and a personal moment before I leave.

Is that hiding it? no. Because I don't smoke! If I needed to smoke regularly that would be obvious to everyone around me.

I have no idea what this girl's story is but I know how annoying it is to be lectured or judged, but moreso if it is something you are in control of.

It's just my two cents and I don't think I said anywhere it wasn't addictive. But there are a lot of shades of gray and 'black and white' judgements are annoying to me when it comes to this subject.

neardc Post #20 October 26,2009, 10:08pm

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cp - You do not appear to be addicted...lol! And, as you say, not everyone who picks up a cigarette or who smokes upon occasion does become addicted (just as not everyone who uses heroin -- which is equally addictive -- becomes an addict). Some people are more vulnerable to becoming addicted more quickly than others (e.g., depending on genes, psychological makeup, how long and how much they smoke, etc.). It is, though, highly addictive and most people who continue to smoke do become addicted (just as is very likely you will if you increase your level/frequency of smoking -- so don't do that!).

But, from what little the OP has said, it does appear that his girlfriend has a history of being a "regular" smoker who has had a very difficult time quitting. That is a different category of smoker than yourself and I don't see your situations as being particularly comparable (other than the fact, of course, that you both presumably experience positive physical and psychological feelings when smoking, like those you've noted for yourself)...

BTW, if you did need to smoke regularly, it wouldn't necessarily be obvious to everyone, especially if you made efforts to hide it or limited smoking to certain settings (e.g., as you would have to if there was no way to smoke at work...). It really only becomes obvious if someone smokes around you or mentions a desire to smoke (or reeks of smoke)...

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