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Harvey7 Harvey7 is offline
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I would have to say that your display of temper was probably reminiscent of his ex wife's temper tantrums! I don't think that you have a lot of relationship experience which is different from short stay sleep overs!
He on the other hand is assuming that you do have more experience with that come's the ability to anticipate some of his thoughts and an understanding of him and his past life! By the way red flags are for Bull Fighters.

The problem is two fold (1) you are misinterpreting him and responding emotionally rather then asking about something that probably has a logical answer like the tooth brush.(2) He is giving you to much credit for being emotionally mature in a relationship and you lack experience, which is why you took it personally with the key. There is nothing wrong with being young and inexperienced it's refreshing.

The next item is the both of you becoming more sensitive to each others feelings an communicating better and I assume that you both like each other and no apologies are required. If it's not a serious relationship forget about it. He has to be more sensitive to your feelings because your not his ex wife and you don't know what pushes his buttons.

You did not formalize any rules for the relationship, you just showed for sex and asked for your tooth brush rather then meeting at a nice restaurant so you took away his need to wine and dine you in a dating mode, just supply you with some tooth paste and you were good to go! Got it?

Harvey7.
Last edited by Harvey7; October 20th, 2009 at 01:11 pm.
- October 20th, 2009, 11:46 am
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DancingFool DancingFool is online now
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Just sounds like your relationship moved too fast. After two months you hardly know each other and he is still treating things as more casual while you are treating it as very serious. For instance, he probably was angry that the deal fell through and since this is really not your business, did not feel obligated to inform you. You on the other hand expect him to share and call you as if you are married and this is your problem as well.

Also, sounds like after a burning pace you fell into a rather boring routine. As others have said, if you are interested in seeing where this ends up, might want to take a step back and actually spice things up a bit. Instead of being all compliant and going over to his house - ask him to organize a date or propose something else and see how he reacts. If he is lukewarm or resistant, then perhaps it's time for you to walk after all.

Anyway, before you quit on him, try out a few things - you can walk out any time but you can't walk back in that easily.
- October 20th, 2009, 11:49 am
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nightling nightling is online now
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Harvey7 wrote :

You did not formalize any rules for the relationship, you just showed for sex and asked for your tooth brush rather then meeting at a nice restaurant so you took away his need to wine and dine you in a dating mode, just supply you with some tooth paste and you were good to go! Got it?

Harvey7.
I tend to agree with this assessment and I do think you over-reacted a bit. Those are things that might mean you should be more watchful or whatever but accusations rarely do any relationship any good any way. If you are right, he'll just realize the shell game has been breached and drop you before you get a chance to become irate and cause a scene. If you are wrong, you look crazy.

What behavior exactly do you want to change? You need to focus on that instead of making accusations.
- October 20th, 2009, 02:13 pm
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nancymargritangelita nancymargritangelita is offline
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kevin76 wrote :
At that level of relationship a woman being confrontational over such little things would make ME cut and run. Talking to him is not a bad idea, but try not to be too accusatory, or whiny, or give any ultimatums - you likely wouldn't get good results from that especially if the 'red flags' were only your own imagination.
To us they all sound like little things and nothing to get upset about, but if the OP has to start asking questions about his behavior, then she's probably too insecure in the relationship or she doesn't see any basis for trust. If she stays in the relationship, she's going to keep seeing red flags whether they're there or not. Confrontational is may too harsh a word, but if she can't even talk to him about things in a non-confrontational way then it's no good for her to stay in the relationship. She's going to keep seeing more red flags.

And about this key thing - I've revised my opinion since this morning. It's a good idea for the nanny to have the key. If some emergency comes up over the weekend and he needs a babysitter / care giver for the children and the ex isn't available, the nanny needs to step in and lend a hand. Letting her have the key sounds like good child care to me.

As for the toothbrush - it could have landed in the cabinet because he thought that the relationship was going somewhere. He probably put it in the cabinet to give it a permanent place to stay.

The more the OP looks at his behavior the more red flags she can come up with.
Last edited by nancymargritangelita; October 20th, 2009 at 04:46 pm.
- October 20th, 2009, 04:42 pm
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trixie1868 trixie1868 is offline
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I think I agree with Harvey.

I don't think you're dealing with the fact that he has kids and an ex wife and adult responsibilities that stop him dedicating himself 100% to you. I'm guessing you don't have any of this stuff to deal with yourself?

Having said that I think if you feel insecure then that is real enough for you and needs to be resolved. If you don't work this out it will be the death nail for you two.

Which takes us back to Harvey's point. You need to find a way to communicate with each other that isn't steeped in suspicion and emotional distance. So you know where you stand and so he feels he can tell you about things as they happen.

You'll also have to bear in mind that he'll try to communicate with you the way he communicated with his wife (it's a learnt behaviour) and that didn't work out, so he'll need some help. You might have to be the grown up and model a healthy communication style ~ so no more late night freak outs!

Good luck.
- October 20th, 2009, 05:03 pm
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Thanks for all the responses. Trixie - yes, this is my first relationship with someone with kids, so I'm still learning. And Nancy- I admit that I am more insecure in this relationship than my past ones; this is my first relationship that's come out of online dating. Previously I've always dated people in my friend circle, so I knew something about them - it's just hard to get comfortable with someone when you dont have that network. Guess that's why we should have moved slower and taken the time to get to know each other better. Live and learn.

On a separate note - so now that I am resigned to the fact that I've overreacted, do you think this is fixable? I mean, everything was great up until now, so do you really think he'll write me off as crazy and give up on me just based on this one time?
- October 20th, 2009, 06:01 pm
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kevin76 kevin76 is offline
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NeedAnswers wrote :
...
On a separate note - so now that I am resigned to the fact that I've overreacted, do you think this is fixable? I mean, everything was great up until now, so do you really think he'll write me off as crazy and give up on me just based on this one time?
If he's a good guy he'll accept an apology and you two can work it out, I'm quite sure. Just give him a sincere apology, and do something nice and romantic for him to show you really mean it.

That will do double duty: both as an apology and as a way to get the romantic fires going again if he's cooled down any.

Good luck.
- October 20th, 2009, 06:48 pm
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singinggirl singinggirl is offline
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You know, my bf's toothbrush stays put away out of sight when he's not here. I prefer for many reasons that my children not know that he spends the night when they aren't home. That said, I wouldn't make too big a deal about the toothbrush.

Overall, I can really understand where you're coming from. One or two little things aren't a big deal. But when that 3rd or 4th thing happens you start thinking and start worrying. I tend to do the same thing and have had to learn to really rein myself in and not be crazy.

So take a deep breath and apologize again if you need to. Plan a special evening for the two of you. And, most importantly, remember that he has other commitments in his life. Sometimes an ex and kids take a lot of time and add a lot of stress whether he is the custodial parent or not.
- October 20th, 2009, 08:24 pm
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nightling nightling is online now
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NeedAnswers wrote :
Thanks for all the responses. Trixie - yes, this is my first relationship with someone with kids, so I'm still learning. And Nancy- I admit that I am more insecure in this relationship than my past ones; this is my first relationship that's come out of online dating. Previously I've always dated people in my friend circle, so I knew something about them - it's just hard to get comfortable with someone when you dont have that network. Guess that's why we should have moved slower and taken the time to get to know each other better. Live and learn.

On a separate note - so now that I am resigned to the fact that I've overreacted, do you think this is fixable? I mean, everything was great up until now, so do you really think he'll write me off as crazy and give up on me just based on this one time?
If he really likes you, he will tolerate a certain level of craziness. If he doesn't, then it really doesn't matter. You're better off knowing up front which way it goes eh?

Right outcome either way.
- October 20th, 2009, 09:45 pm
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nancymargritangelita nancymargritangelita is offline
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NeedAnswers wrote :
On a separate note - so now that I am resigned to the fact that I've overreacted, do you think this is fixable? I mean, everything was great up until now, so do you really think he'll write me off as crazy and give up on me just based on this one time?
If he likes you enough then he'll accept an apology and try to work things out.

I think you need to talk with him about these issues. I agree with Trixie - find a place and time that's "safe" for both of you like a quiet coffee shop or a bench in a park on a Sunday afternoon and then start talking.
- October 21st, 2009, 06:32 am
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