The Road to Nowhere-Crazy?


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singinggirl is offline singinggirl Post #1  October 18,2009, 7:45pm
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So some of you probably know from my other posts that I've been dating a guy I met on match for about 20 months. A little background now: We both have been married previously but divorced for several years (him for 13, me for 8).

Last week, we were having a disagreement about something totally ridiculous. I was a little mad; he wasn't mad at all. He then said that he was going to say something he hadn't intended to say. He said the relationship had become somewhat stressful because he was afraid that I wanted more out of it than he did. He went on to say that he had been alone for a long time and didn't think that he'd ever get married again and that he felt guilty because he was keeping me from finding a husband.

I have to say that I wasn't terribly surprised and I told him that. I pretty much have known for a long time. I asked him if he was breaking up with me. He said no, that the reason he had been putting it off was that he figured I'd walk when he said it. We talked on for sometime and decided to let things ride for a while longer.

Here's the struggle for me. Someday I do want to get married again, but I don't feel ready right now, even if he was standing in front of me with a ring. I know and understand that he will most likely never remarry (or at least never marry me.) What do y'all think? Is it completely crazy to stay in a relationship that you know is going nowhere?
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #2  October 18,2009, 8:01pm
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I consider it normal.

It is what people do when they are still in school, or embarking on careers and expect to move soon. This is how I’ve always done it.

It is your choice; if marriage is more important than any specific person, then I think you should leave or have a conversation where you come with a need to have a timeframe for getting married (a risky move, but it does not sound like he would string you along, based on what he said in your post.)

If marriage is not for you an end unto itself, then I see no reason not to take what you’re getting, in the moment (which is all anyone really has, anyway.) Personally, I do not consider 20 months a long time.

Another thing, is to try to work through what his reluctance is, and see if a countermeasure exists for his concerns. Simultaneously, work though what your reasons are, and can they be fulfilled without marriage?
 
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yoga_gal is offline yoga_gal Post #3  October 18,2009, 8:14pm
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D_Lion wrote :
I consider it normal.

It is what people do when they are still in school, or embarking on careers and expect to move soon. This is how I’ve always done it.

It is your choice; if marriage is more important than any specific person, then I think you should leave or have a conversation where you come with a need to have a timeframe for getting married (a risky move, but it does not sound like he would string you along, based on what he said in your post.)

If marriage is not for you an end unto itself, then I see no reason not to take what you’re getting, in the moment (which is all anyone really has, anyway.) Personally, I do not consider 20 months a long time.

Another thing, is to try to work through what his reluctance is, and see if a countermeasure exists for his concerns. Simultaneously, work though what your reasons are, and can they be fulfilled without marriage?
+1, I agree and have highlighted what I believe to be the main question.
 
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singinggirl is offline singinggirl Post #4  October 18,2009, 8:26pm
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D_Lion, he told me when we talked about it that he really just liked having his independence. My impression (understanding?) is that when he was married, he felt like he had to give up who he was and that he always had to answer to someone. IMO, that can be both a positive and a negative.

As far as I'm concerned, I want to eventually have someone that I can wake up next to every morning, the intimacy of knowing that the 2 of us are moving the same direction together.

I do think you're right about his honesty with me. One of the things that appealed to me about him from the beginning is that he is very straightforward. I tend to be that way, too and it's a quality I search for in friends and romantic partners.

Thanks for your input.
 
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hogrally is offline hogrally Post #5  October 18,2009, 9:37pm
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Why did he think you would walk when he said this? What have you said ( verbally and non verbally ) that would make him think this would be a deal breaker for you
 
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Shelby is offline Shelby Post #6  October 18,2009, 9:43pm
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Maybe you both need to define what marriage represents to each one of you. Is it security? Trust? Commitment? Co-habitation? Financial amalgamation? Your SO and you may love each other, but marriage may mean different things to you and him.

Also, his previous marriage and breakup could have been filled with drama and trauma. He may have aversion to the marriage state as a result.

That said, if you find that it bothers you that he does not want to get married/ co-habitate/ make a permanent commitment to you, I think you should make a break and move on. Twenty months is a long time, in my estimate, and while you haven't provided your age, as you get older, it does get more difficult to find the right guy if marriage is your goal.

While I don't like giving some one an ultimatum, I think it's fair to let him know that your relationship may be at risk. And then set a deadline to make a decision, and move forward to find your permanent mate, whether it's him or some one else.
 
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singinggirl is offline singinggirl Post #7  October 18,2009, 9:59pm
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Hogrally, good question. I've been thinking on that one quite a bit this past week. I've never said anything specific to marriage because that's not where I am either. However, I have made jokes from time to time about what we'll do when we're 80 or something like that. I think part of it is his past experience. He told me once early on that his family had quit asking him about his dating life, etc. I wonder too if the fact that I stil have 2 kids at home, and will have for a long time, plays into his thought process.

Shelby, his marriage was filled with drama and ended badly (as did mine). We have talked about our marriages some and other things that he has said have given me some insight into that.

An ultimatum is not going to 'work' for either of us at this time. I know that he absolutely does not want to get married and he thinks that he will never change his mind. An ultimatum will immediately end the relationship.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #8  October 18,2009, 10:00pm
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singinggirl wrote :
Is it completely crazy to stay in a relationship that you know is going nowhere?
It doesn't sound like it's going "nowhere", though it may not be going towards marriage. You seem to have very good communication with him and are honest with each other; and 20 months together must mean things have gone well so far? A relationship can be an end in itself, without marriage being a goal.

If you're not ready to get married now or anytime soon then you don't need to be with a man who's looking for marriage, right?

One thing that helps me prioritize, morbid as it may be, is to think now and then about what I'd regret on my deathbed. And to remember life can be cut short.

If you'd be sad you died single, maybe marriage is more important to you, right now, than you think it is? Or, if you'd be sad you didn't fully explore a relationship with this non-marrying man, maybe he's more important than a husband?
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #9  October 18,2009, 11:13pm

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You seem to be taking the pearl out of the shell and throwing away the oyster along with the shell.

Your telling us one story or conversation and forgetting a lot of background information.

How old are your kids and do they have a relationship with their Father? Does he have kids and relationship with them? You have to paint in the picture on both of the men in your lifeor how can we give you meaning feedback?If marriage was the pivotal point of your life, why did you get a divorce?

What has marriage done for you that you have to repeat it again?
Do you plan to have more children? There are alternative life styles to also look at? So if you want some real feedback paint the pic.

Harvey7.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #10  October 19,2009, 1:59am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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singinggirl wrote :
D_Lion, he told me when we talked about it that he really just liked having his independence. My impression (understanding?) is that when he was married, he felt like he had to give up who he was and that he always had to answer to someone. IMO, that can be both a positive and a negative.
I think not wanting to have an official marriage is one thing and not wanting to really be in an intimate relationship are two different things. If he 'likes having his independence' I think it's likely that he doesn't want...and perhaps is actually incapable of....being in a relationship and all the interdependence that this involves.
 
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