nancymargritangelita is offline nancymargritangelita Post #1  October 17,2009, 8:52am
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I have a friend that I've known for a little over six years. We met through work. He lives in one city and I live in another.

She was in a previous relationship where her former husband abused her physically, mentally, and emotionally. She finally got up the courage to divorce him and then she met my friend and married him. They moved from Texas to Canada - I suspect they moved here to get away from her first husband.

He's been married for almost 25 years and rarely has sex with his wife. When they first married she was terrified of having sex because of all the abuse she went through with her first husband. She has sex with my friend now but she doesn't enjoy it.

Sorry that my details are a little sketchy - he won't talk to me about this a lot because he's too embarrassed to say anything.

He says he stays with her because he likes doing things with her and being with her. The part about the sex bothers him, but he sticks with her because he likes doing things with her.

Some people may suggest counselling for both of them - it's a good point. I don't want to bring up this subject with him because I don't want to appear nosy and interfering.

My question is: How long would you stay in a relationship where your spouse won't give you sex?
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #2  October 17,2009, 8:58am
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Wow. I don't really know much about the sex life of even my closest longterm friends. Go ahead and tell him to see a counselor. If he's sharing his sex life with you I doubt he'd consider that too nosy.

Apparently your friend will stay 25+ years. Why do you care? Each couple makes their own choices.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #3  October 17,2009, 9:06am
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I don't think asking the question "How long would you stay in a relationship where your spouse won't give you sex?" reflects the reality of these types of situations. If this is the case...such as you described with your friend, the reality is there are many underlying issues that this is part of. I think a more accurate question would be "Would you get into a relationship with someone who had really big personal issues....and if you did and these issues inevitably caused a number of problems in the relationship, such as almost never having sex...would you stay?"
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #4  October 17,2009, 10:09am
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nancymargritangelita wrote :
My question is: How long would you stay in a relationship where your spouse won't give you sex?
A few days, longer if I had a mistress, maybe.

Actually, I would not call that a relationship at all (unless both parties knew and agree going in.) I hope I can continue to succeed at avoiding people who can’t get over their past.

Since I am not her past partner, I will not accept being treated like I was.

While on one hand, 25 year seems stable and thus okay, I think the risk of dissatisfaction is too high to let this continue. My opinion.

I don't think you're nosy, either. Care for another person's well-being is justified.
 
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Mokkesofie is offline Mokkesofie Post #5  October 17,2009, 11:47am
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As long as it would take to pack my stuff
 
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Shelby is offline Shelby Post #6  October 17,2009, 12:38pm
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I don't think I would proceed toward marriage if my SO did not have the same sexual compatibility as I have.

That said, there are health and emotional issues that occur during the course of a relationship that can affect libido (hypertension, prostate cancer, menopause, depression, et al.)

I would hope that, in the course of developing the relationship, other qualities could be appreciated, which would supersede sex as the priority deal breaker. But if there is a reluctance early in the relationship to satisfy such needs, I would be hesitant to continue.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #7  October 17,2009, 1:46pm
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I'm a good listener, can keep a confidence, and my friends tell me all sorts of stuff.

You would be surprised at how many sexless marriages there are out there, and yet they stay married.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #8  October 17,2009, 2:00pm
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Wonderwoman402 wrote :
You would be surprised at how many sexless marriages there are out there, and yet they stay married.

Mutually-agreed, or unilaterally-imposed?

I differences in sex is also a lot of divorces.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #9  October 17,2009, 2:11pm
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D_Lion wrote :
Mutually-agreed, or unilaterally-imposed?
Unilaterally imposed. My friends (both male ones and female ones) would like to have sex with their spouse, but spouse is not interested. I would not call them happily married... they also don't socialize with their spouses and either don't talk about them at all or don't have many good things to say about them.

I wouldn't stay in their relationships, but everyone makes their own life choices.
 
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nancymargritangelita is offline nancymargritangelita Post #10  October 17,2009, 2:24pm
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Sassafras54 wrote :
Wow. I don't really know much about the sex life of even my closest longterm friends. Go ahead and tell him to see a counselor. If he's sharing his sex life with you I doubt he'd consider that too nosy.

Apparently your friend will stay 25+ years. Why do you care? Each couple makes their own choices.
I'm not even sure anymore how the issue came up. It think we were talking about loneliness even if you're in a relationship. I was telling him that most people get into relationships because they're lonely - the relationship might not be the best thing for them to do but they do it anyway because they don't want to be alone and lonely anymore. He said you can be lonely even if you're in a relationship.

Why do I care? Because we've been friends for so long and the issue was important enough to him that he brought it up with me.

You would want people to care about your issues too.

I'm just not sure how to respond. I'm usually the last one to tell people to get a divorce, especially if they've been together 25 years.

How long would I stay? I'm not sure. It would depend on the person and why they can't have sex. Psychology is one factor but there are also physical reasons for not have sex. Sometimes you just can't do it for physiological reasons.
Last edited by nancymargritangelita; October 17,2009 at 2:43pm.
 
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