polygamist guy- monogamy girl


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crazydaisy121 is offline crazydaisy121 Post #1  October 16,2009, 7:05pm
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I'm finding myself asking myself what to do, so here I am asking for all of your thoughts on this:

my boyfriend of a number of years who I recently just moved across the country with, and am totally in love with, recently told me that in the end he wants to be in a polygamist relationship (except its illegal so I'd be the wife, and thered be a 'girlfriend'). Me being number one, of course, and then another woman who we would share, not only our sexual desires with, but yes, our children.

I'm buddhist now, but was raised christian and was absolutely shocked.

How can I allow my jealousy to not control me in a situation like that?

I find myself asking if my Mr. Right who I've talked about marriage with time and time again really isn't right for me. I'm trying to allow myself to just live life and let things play out- maybe test the waters and see how I feel but the worry that things could go terribly wrong let my thoughts stray to giving up and starting over.

So I'm curious, what would you do AND how do you feel about a polygamist relationship?

thank you so much!
 
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yoga_gal is offline yoga_gal Post #2  October 16,2009, 7:30pm
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Ok, I could tell you what I think you should do but your question was what would I do and feel about it. I would feel that it was a bum deal. He was getting a wife and a girlfriend and I was getting half of a guy. I won't even get into the sharing/sex aspect. I would also be mad that he is just now bringing this up AFTER I moved cross country to be with him after we had discussed marriage before.

What would I do? I would say "best of luck to you but our values are too different for any kind of relationship." Then I would begin my life without him and after some time figuring out how I came to be with someone who did not respect me or the relationship, move on in the dating world.

Best of luck
 
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Bootsky is offline Bootsky Post #3  October 17,2009, 5:40pm
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yoga_gal wrote :
...

What would I do? I would say "best of luck to you but our values are too different for any kind of relationship." Then I would begin my life without him and after some time figuring out how I came to be with someone who did not respect me or the relationship, move on in the dating world.

Best of luck
I agree with this. I don't see the relationship going anywhere because ultimately, he is going to get what he wants and you are going to be miserable. If you have expressed your views to him and he will not compromise, then he is not the man for you. You shouldn't have to live your life miserable or drive yourself insane with jealousy because you think he is "perfect" for you, when in reality he is not giving all of himself to you while you are giving all of yourself to him. This is not healthy unless it is what you both want. Well this one major difference in opinions happens to be a deal breaker flaw. I would move on if I were you as hard as it is. It is really crappy he told you this AFTER you moved across the country. I also wish you luck!
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #4  October 17,2009, 7:34pm
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Forget the religion. Forget the love. Ask yourself this? Do you want a polyamorist lifestyle? Do you want to share assets with, support, and care for whatever number of women he decides have sex and children with?
 
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dadist is offline dadist Post #5  October 18,2009, 7:34am
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Get away, this guy waited to tell you this till you moved across the country. This guy has put you into a position where it is harder for you to be disagreeable to what he wants. He knew you wouldn't want it too, you have talked about marriage in the past.

Don't tell him that you are leaving, just collect all of the money that you can, his and yours if possible (he owes you for dragging you across the country and you will need as much as possible to get reestablished) and go.
 
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Emme is offline Emme Post #6  October 18,2009, 9:02am

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What would his reaction be if you insisted on having another husband as well? With whom he would have to share your children too? What's good for the gander must be good for the goose, too. If he won't even consider that possibility, I'd be gone in a heartbeat. He wants to eat his cake and have it too. Would the girlfried be revolving, as in does he get to dump one and get another anytime he wants, or would be there one permanent girlfriend? Are you bisexual and interested in this type of intimate relationship? How does he propose to support all of these potential children, and how does he plan to have the kids explain their family to their friends?

Bottom line is, if you don't want it don't feel pushed into it, even though you just moved. If it's not for you, it's not for you. Period. If you could and want to do this, make sure everything is very very clear before you embark on such a thing as it could get extremetly messy and painful.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #7  October 18,2009, 9:13am
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I can't believe he wanted YEARS to tell you this. Either he's very manipulative (suck you in until it's harder for you to say no) or this is some bizarre whim, or commit-phobia or something.

This is one of those Can't-Be-Fixed situations: one or the other of you has to give up a deeply held belief, value, or desire, or -- you have to break up.

I guess you have to make your choice. Personally I'd be gone in a flash.
 
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Edmondo is offline Edmondo Post #8  October 18,2009, 9:14am
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When I read your post I right away thought of something humorous like Emme. What if you said you wanted another man or men in your life? Of course you would say I really want children and if I got pregnant would you raise the child as your own. Even put your name on the birth certificate? Basically putting him on the spot.


He wants his cake and eat it too.


He sounds like a sophisticated player. Kick him to the curb and move on with your life.
 
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PR_Princess is offline PR_Princess Post #9  October 18,2009, 9:52am
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crazydaisy121 wrote :
I'm finding myself asking myself what to do, so here I am asking for all of your thoughts on this:

my boyfriend of a number of years who I recently just moved across the country with, and am totally in love with, recently told me that in the end he wants to be in a polygamist relationship (except its illegal so I'd be the wife, and thered be a 'girlfriend'). Me being number one, of course, and then another woman who we would share, not only our sexual desires with, but yes, our children.

I'm buddhist now, but was raised christian and was absolutely shocked.

How can I allow my jealousy to not control me in a situation like that?

I find myself asking if my Mr. Right who I've talked about marriage with time and time again really isn't right for me. I'm trying to allow myself to just live life and let things play out- maybe test the waters and see how I feel but the worry that things could go terribly wrong let my thoughts stray to giving up and starting over.

So I'm curious, what would you do AND how do you feel about a polygamist relationship?

thank you so much!
Just a heads up on the situation....he may have told you recently he wanted a polygamist relationship but he was thinking about it all along as he roped you into this relationship. Since you are so open to new ideas and faiths he knew what he was doing when you chose you for a mate. This is a decision that you have to make as to whether you are going to be comfortable with this lifestyle. My personal opinion....I wouldn't invest my energy in someone who was not truthful and upfront with me to begin with.

It may be lawful in my faith but my faith also requires you to be truthful about your intentions and to honor marriage contracts.Besides in today's society there are so many single and available people that there really is no need to go this route as the edict for polygamy was created in a time of war when there were few men, many widows, and no social services. A woman who did not have a man to support her in those days starved and died along with her children.

He sounds like an opportunist to me and not someone who has pure intentions. As I said...this is my opinion and you know what's best for your life. I personally knew a woman who went this route but the person was upfront, she was the second wife and the first wife had more say in helping choose her than probably the husband did as she was going to help raise her children and look after her husband while he was out of the country.
 
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timeless2 is offline timeless2 Post #10  October 19,2009, 6:53am
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dadist wrote :
Get away, this guy waited to tell you this till you moved across the country. This guy has put you into a position where it is harder for you to be disagreeable to what he wants. He knew you wouldn't want it too, you have talked about marriage in the past.

Don't tell him that you are leaving, just collect all of the money that you can, his and yours if possible (he owes you for dragging you across the country and you will need as much as possible to get reestablished) and go.
Funny, but I really like this response. I've always prided myself on not talking anything material from an ending relationship, but this is right on. Take the money an run! (I guess you realize that a man is not something I want to share.)
 
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