dure204 is offline dure204 Post #1  October 16,2009, 8:04am
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I know this is a sensitive subject, but I'll do the best I can.

Do you think it is fair to get involved with a women when her weight is an issue for you from the beginning, even if she is attractive to you in almost every other way?

I am currently dating a woman who fits this description. We met online and in the past I probably would have not continued dating based on her weight, but I wanted to give her a chance and not be judgmental. We've dated for a few months, and I've found her to be very appealing in almost every other avenue. The thing that bothers me the most, though, is that she is overweight and struggles to maintain a healthy weight (though she has lost some weight since we have been together).

I am very fit and live a healthy lifestyle, and I put a high value on maintaining a healthy weight and living healthy. She is active, but not what I would call fit. The more I talk to her the more I realize she thinks weight is something she doesn't have much control over (I would say that is the most frustrating aspect). She gets defensive when we have talked about weight in the past, and says things like "I'll never be a skinny minny", which I've told her I don't want her to be.

I think I have rubbed off on her in a positive way, as she has lost 2 dress sizes just in the time we have been together. She ate out a lot before, but now we cook healthy meals together. I've tried to persuade her to cook on her own but she rarely does it (says she's too busy). I've tried to persuade her to exercise more, but she hasn't really gotten going (again, says she is too busy). She has a stressful life at times (especially lately), so I've tried to be understanding and patient. I've told her that stress can have an effect on weight as well, and she has to find ways to manage her stress.

Sometimes I feel that it isn't fair to stay involved with her when I know I won't be happy until she reaches a healthier weight. There are so many things she has to change about her lifestyle to get healthy. At first, she seemed more interested in making changes. However, it seems like she is becoming less and less willing to make those changes.

My overall experience with women and dating (especially as I have gotten older) is that it is difficult to find a women that not only physically matches what I want (as I described above) but also personality and values wise matches me. I find women that would be great matches except for the fact that they have weight issues. Is it reasonable of me to expect to find a woman that not only is a healthy weight but can control her weight as well? Or is that just wishful thinking?
 
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HappyandLight is offline HappyandLight Post #2  October 16,2009, 8:13am
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If you are sincere in trying to make it work, I think it's OK.

I am willing to bet she would want you to take the risk.

Some positive thoughts:

*She has been losing weight so far, and just by being around you more and not wanting to look lazy! she could lose more.

*We often adjust to who we are with. My bf has a belly. I don't love it BUT I am getting used to it. We can get used to things and sometimes, if that thing is associated with good feelings and memories, we can even start liking it!

I would try. Continue the healthy eating, exercise (see if she comes with you) and see what happens.

I relate to your issue. I am fit and exercise every single day. I love to exercise. I am with a man who does not! But he has so many things I love! Yes, I wish he were more active, we'd have more sexy and fun times but I accept things as they are and I am hoping to start a regular hiking habit with him. And I am still attracted to him...well, enough.

Good luck
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #3  October 16,2009, 8:49am
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Well, you kind of have to be with the person you're with, not with the person you wish they were.

Wanting to "fix" your lover can lead to so many bad relationship dynamics!

Maybe you could try laying off the subject and see how you feel with that after awhile? Maybe you'll find you can accept her, warts and all, and be happy; maybe this wart is too much for you.
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #4  October 16,2009, 9:25am

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I would lighten up on her a little bit. It must be annoying for her to have you directly or indirectly mention weight constantly- maybe that's why she's becoming defensive. She knows she's overweight.
 
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CapnCrunch23 is offline CapnCrunch23 Post #5  October 16,2009, 9:27am

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Nope.. I don't think it's fair to her at all.

imho.. I would say you're leading her on and I would consider this to be somewhat of a controlling behavior.

Love someone for who they are, not who they could be.

That's all and good, you feel you have a postive effect on her. She needs to discover a healthy lifestyle on her own. Not because of you.
Since you seem to be always bringing the weight issue discussions into your relationship with her. I wonder how her self esteem is taking it? I'm sure she has some discomfort around you as seem to have painted a picture for her on what is attractive to you.

I hope she does choose a heathier lifestyle. That way she can attract someone who will appreciate her for who she is.

You know it already!, If she doesn't lose any more weight. You'll be gone in a flash! You said it yourself.." I know I won't be happy until she reaches a healthier weight" Well the reality of that is, that day might not ever come. So don't lead her on any longer, or learn to accept it.
 
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trixie1868 is offline trixie1868 Post #6  October 16,2009, 9:29am

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Is it fair for you to keep dating this woman even though she is, at this stage at least, just a fixer upper in your eyes? Good question.

Let me see now. I know this is a sensitive subject, but I'll do the best I can. You are a shallow, boring and controlling little man. If you can control her and she doesn't seem to be bored by you then I think you owe it to yourself to hang in there.

She may lose more weight but ask yourself this; is it less likely than you lightening up and accepting someone as they are now and therefore how they are likely to be in the long run?

It's a puzzler for sure.
 
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lianne2009 is offline lianne2009 Post #7  October 16,2009, 9:30am
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dure204 wrote :
I know this is a sensitive subject, but I'll do the best I can.

Do you think it is fair to get involved with a women when her weight is an issue for you from the beginning, even if she is attractive to you in almost every other way?

I've tried to persuade her to exercise more, but she hasn't really gotten going (again, says she is too busy). She has a stressful life at times (especially lately), so I've tried to be understanding and patient. I've told her that stress can have an effect on weight as well, and she has to find ways to manage her stress.

Sometimes I feel that it isn't fair to stay involved with her when I know I won't be happy until she reaches a healthier weight. There are so many things she has to change about her lifestyle to get healthy. At first, she seemed more interested in making changes. However, it seems like she is becoming less and less willing to make those changes.

My overall experience with women and dating (especially as I have gotten older) is that it is difficult to find a women that not only physically matches what I want (as I described above) but also personality and values wise matches me. I find women that would be great matches except for the fact that they have weight issues. Is it reasonable of me to expect to find a woman that not only is a healthy weight but can control her weight as well?
Yes..you need to find the right women who is Willing to take the time to good care of herself (mentally and physically), and also cares enough for your needs as well. However, it does appear that this women is improving, by your enlightened persuasions.

Good luck..
 
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Shelby is offline Shelby Post #8  October 16,2009, 10:06am
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dure204 wrote :


My overall experience with women and dating (especially as I have gotten older) is that it is difficult to find a women that not only physically matches what I want (as I described above) but also personality and values wise matches me. I find women that would be great matches except for the fact that they have weight issues. Is it reasonable of me to expect to find a woman that not only is a healthy weight but can control her weight as well? Or is that just wishful thinking?
Could it be that the women who meet your criteria are not attracted to your physical traits, personality and values?

And that maybe your girlfriend will dump you because you nag her so much about her lifestyle? As much as you think you sound sympathetic and understanding to her issues, IMO that's not what's registering with her.

If her weight bothers you that much, rip the band-aid off now.
 
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dure204 is offline dure204 Post #9  October 16,2009, 10:31am
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Sassafras54 wrote :
Well, you kind of have to be with the person you're with, not with the person you wish they were.

Wanting to "fix" your lover can lead to so many bad relationship dynamics!
I agree. In this case, though, she does indicate she wants to fix herself as well (I'm just not sure yet to what degree).

Sassafras54 wrote :
Maybe you could try laying off the subject and see how you feel with that after awhile? Maybe you'll find you can accept her, warts and all, and be happy; maybe this wart is too much for you.
I'm not sure if I indicated it or gave off the wrong impression, but I have not been a nag about it. I only offer my honest opinion when she has asked for it, which has been twice in the few months we have dated. I don't constantly nag, just encourage her and offer advice when she talks about how she can improve her eating, exercise habits, etc.
 
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timeless2 is offline timeless2 Post #10  October 16,2009, 10:38am
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trixie1868 wrote :
Is it fair for you to keep dating this woman even though she is, at this stage at least, just a fixer upper in your eyes? Good question.

Let me see now. I know this is a sensitive subject, but I'll do the best I can. You are a shallow, boring and controlling little man. If you can control her and she doesn't seem to be bored by you then I think you owe it to yourself to hang in there.

She may lose more weight but ask yourself this; is it less likely than you lightening up and accepting someone as they are now and therefore how they are likely to be in the long run?

It's a puzzler for sure.

Wow, I'll bet the op didn't see that coming.
 
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