What kinds of things "eat away" at relationships?


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eHA_Admin_Lori is offline eHA_Admin_Lori — Advice Official Moderator Post #1  October 15,2009, 10:15am
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What causes the most problems in relationships, in your experience? Is is arguing about money? Different sexual appetites / drives? Annoying habits of your partner?

What has made things turn sour for you in the past.

What do you think can be done in your future relationship(s) to help "rust-proof" it?
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #2  October 15,2009, 10:24am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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The pouting, silent treatment, being cold and temper tantrums. Sometimes she'd do these things too.
 
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pianoguy is offline pianoguy Post #3  October 15,2009, 10:46am
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Lori, that is a great question. I think for me it is core value differences that become clear over time. When you realize the partner who "likes" kids is hiding in the bathroom when your child is there.. Or when the partner who believes in forgivenes cant find a way to let go of their anger at a coworker. Of course its much more relevent when the Chasm between what you "get" and what you either hoped for or expected is interpersonal.

Often, that moral, ethical, or spiritual disappointment and the inability to deal with it is the crack that makes a good relationship vulnerable.. Once you lose the faith or attraction to that core person the secondary symptoms in your intimate lives and social lives develop .

The more important question is how do you bridge those chasms ? its a great thread i cant wait to hear what other people think.
 
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Daphnie is offline Daphnie Post #4  October 15,2009, 11:39am
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In my experience, having drastically different priorities is the major problem.

My priorities are:
  1. Successful career
  2. Happy marriage
  3. Financial security
My ex's priorities are:
  1. His future children's well-being
  2. His parents' happiness
  3. His wife's happiness
That being said, if I didn't get along with his parents, I was at fault. When I said with only one income (I was working full-time while he was in grad school) we couldn't afford having children, he said I got my priorities all wrong. His last straw that broke my back was: "The fact that you do not love my parents may affect our future children's psychological well-being".

I am not saying that my way is the right way or his is. However, when a couple have completely different goals for life, the marriage is like a carriage with two horses going towards the opposite directions. It is doomed to fail.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #5  October 15,2009, 12:03pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Daphnie wrote :
In my experience, having drastically different priorities is the major problem.

My priorities are:
  1. Successful career
  2. Happy marriage
  3. Financial security
My ex's priorities are:
  1. His future children's well-being
  2. His parents' happiness
  3. His wife's happiness
When I think problems can develop is when an item with a lower priority interferes with an item of higher priority (e.g., your career success). In that case the lower ranked item may need to be sacrificed.
 
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kevin76 is offline kevin76 Post #6  October 15,2009, 1:17pm
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Unresolved baggage can cause anger and resentment, and if either person buries it and refuses to talk about it, it will begin to poison the relationship.

Dishonesty in just about any area, consistently. That erodes trust, and without trust there can be no relationship.

Unwillingness to compromise. It's good to stand your ground on the things most important to you, but that should be a short list. On a lot of other things there will have to be some give and take (and it's not my job to make sure she's doing her share of giving, I can only handle mine.)

Unbalanced neediness - if one person is constantly draining the resources of the other, whether with constant drama or a higher level of activity than their partner can handle or anything else, the one doing all the giving (or running to keep up) will get burned out eventually.

***Oops forgot to answer the last question

#1 Be content with yourself.
If you're not happy with yourself, nobody else will ever make you happy.

#2 Be flexible
There will always be surprises and changes. Be ready for them

#3 Set your boundaries and keep them, and respect your partner's boundaries.
Last edited by kevin76; October 15,2009 at 1:19pm. Reason: Added last part
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #7  October 15,2009, 9:33pm

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Money and Children or Children and Money!


Harvey7.
 
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bekka74 is offline bekka74 Post #8  October 16,2009, 10:39am
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The stuff that ate away at my marriage was simple stuff..not respecting me or my work. Lying, stealing, cheating. NEVER communicating, refusing to be a part of his daughters life



How to fix it..my best friend and I right now have 1 rule for our relationship....honesty! we talk things out and we got to know each other so we know when we can talk and when to give the other one space. i know it's not a girl/boy friend thing, but for us it's a start. It's a type of relationship neither one of us has ever had.
 
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CapnCrunch23 is offline CapnCrunch23 Post #9  October 16,2009, 11:25am

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me-me-me..attitudes, listening skills and assumptions...




 
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Spider is offline Spider Post #10  October 16,2009, 12:29pm
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Not arguing. The lack of courage to disagree and to hash out problems slowly became a state of indifference, and that killed the relationship.

So now I need to keep reminding myself to talk, dangit, talk!
 
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