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CB89 CB89 is offline
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I have been dating my girlfriend since I was 15, that was 5 years ago. But over the course of our long distance relationship, and with its ups and downs, things are at a all level low now - We fight all the time, either its me (most of the times its me) or its her. We have some problems and i have no clue how to fix them:

Up until about 2 months, I put her to bed every single night, dont matter I was across the planet on a trip to India but i called her and put her to bed, but ever since 2 months ago a lot of things and circumstances have changed im my life and i cant keep doing the same, and i explained her that. I still call her every night but I usually cant stay on the phone until we go to bed (blame that on first year engineering), so every time I say I gotta go she literally throws emotional fit - just drops the fun out of the conversation, doesn't say goodnight or does something on those lines. I always stay as long as I can, and I tell her I really have to go, and she doesn't let me and we end up fighting.

Ill be honest, our relationship has been a rocky one, so whenever we start fighting we both bring up dirt for the past which escalates everything even more. We are both immensely frustrated, and i end up being her emotional reservoir for her needs and I usually never get any appreciation.

The relationship has also changed has, we never use to yell at each other and now we do. I just want her to calm down and stop taking things so seriously and give eachother some breathing room, I really want this to work but cant figure out a way to do it! I need help!
- October 13th, 2009, 07:39 pm
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yoga_gal yoga_gal is offline
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I think you answered your own question when you said you need some breathing space. Sounds like things are escalating and it sounds like you are not headed in the direction of things working out.

It seems unrealistic for her to expect that you stay on the phone "put her to bed" every night when you have studies. It sounds like she needs to mature (throwing emotional fits). I would recommend saying that you have to put school first. It doesn't sound like you are neglecting her by talking every night.

I would like to say I hope things work out but it sounds like there need to be changes made.
- October 13th, 2009, 07:55 pm
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Sassafras54 Sassafras54 is offline
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I don't see how anyone can make a relationship work long distance for 5 years. It's remarkable you've made it this far. Am I misreading your post?

People change a lot between age 15 and 20. If you change in different directions that's going to be a big challenge. But if you think there's a future with her ...

Have you tried writing letters? Making a big change in the technology you use to communicate could prevent you falling into what sounds like a big bad phone-call pattern. Plus each of you could think and edit before sending. Plus there would be a time-gap between responses. Time in which to cool off and think. Also, if she is feeling needy, she could read and read and read your letter. When a phone call is over, it's just gone.

I think you need to make some radical change in how you communicate, just stop the drama phone calls. Yes?
- October 13th, 2009, 11:39 pm
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CB89 CB89 is offline
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You didn't misread, we have been together for 5 years now. I really like the idea of letters and the calmness attached with it, but I dont know how to convince her to it!

Part of the problem was me too, that I treated her way over the top for a really long time, and now if we don't talk at night I am held responsible for giving her sleepless nights! It kinda makes her look bad, but she told me that its not my responsibility for being the voice she hears before she goes to bed, but since I did it for so long, almost 4 years now - its a habit of hers and she cant help it. So the idea of us writing letters instead of phone calls is really nice, but I cant think of her absorbing such a radical change or me not feeling guilty about it.
- October 14th, 2009, 10:22 pm
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notyet notyet is offline
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what did i post about managing expectations recently that i took heat for? hmmmm......

you've created a situation that you cannot manage. changing behavior after five years would be hard on anyone. good luck with that.

i think you either need to continue what you were doing- which i think is unreasonable if not impossible- or cash in.

just remember this for next time. and do not do anything at the beginning that you are not willing to do or cannot do for the long term.

good luck. you will need it.
Last edited by notyet; October 15th, 2009 at 12:05 am.
- October 15th, 2009, 12:00 am
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Sassafras54 Sassafras54 is offline
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Write her a love letter. Don't go all into everything that's bothering you in your relationship. Don't tell her you're going to do it. Let it arrive as a surprise.

"I'm sitting in my room looking out the window at the rain falling and thinking about you and that time we were at the lake and it started to rain and ...." whatever.

Keep it short, a page is good. Signed, "Love, xxx"

Then let a few days go by and do it again.

God this sounds like so much fun! Doable?
- October 15th, 2009, 12:24 am
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chitowngrl08 chitowngrl08 is offline
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i can tell you that i know how she feels and its not fair to you. she is scared. you must understand that. is she being rational? no. but a relationship is about compromise. if you are taking something away that you used to do but cant, you must replace it with something else you can do. relationships change and morph and you both must learn to bend.

it sounds like she has some insecurities in the relationship. this is not about a phone call. you said that the relationship has been rocky in the past, she is definetly scared that its going back to rocky. write her an email and ask her what she is feeling. tell her you care about her and are afraid that the relationship is starting to get unhealthy. she will write back and tell you what the problem is and might actually give you a solution. so take these words here that you have written and write them to her, she is the only one who can help you here.

love is not easy but then again, is anything worth having easy? good luck.
- October 15th, 2009, 09:53 am
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Bob_dB Bob_dB is offline
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Sassafras54 wrote :
Write her a love letter. Don't go all into everything that's bothering you in your relationship. Don't tell her you're going to do it. Let it arrive as a surprise.

"I'm sitting in my room looking out the window at the rain falling and thinking about you and that time we were at the lake and it started to rain and ...." whatever.

Keep it short, a page is good. Signed, "Love, xxx"

Then let a few days go by and do it again.

God this sounds like so much fun! Doable?
This sounds like a great idea. And the idea of high school sweethearts staying together for life is beautifully romantic (even if cliched). A lifetime of love: maturing together, having a family together, and growing old together seems like a forgotten pleasure in life these days of casual relationships and "serial polygamy".

The biggest thing you guys need to do is seriously examine your individual feelings, and know yourself well enough to communicate them to each other. Do you have an older friend or couple who could serve as a "relationship mentor"? That is, someone who knows you both, and can provide unbiased insight and advice. If they share your religion, they could keep you in line with that aspect as well.

As someone mentioned, you're in a very challenging part of life. You're undergoing a lot of changes in physiology, intelligence, spirituality and emotions. It's easy to get blinded by the Now and lose your ability to consider the future. But if you guys can get through it together and grow closer, you'll have an unbeatable relationship.

But it's best if you can honestly decide if that's what you really want...
- October 15th, 2009, 10:30 am
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kevin76 kevin76 is offline
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CB89 wrote :
You didn't misread, we have been together for 5 years now. I really like the idea of letters and the calmness attached with it, but I dont know how to convince her to it!

Part of the problem was me too, that I treated her way over the top for a really long time, and now if we don't talk at night I am held responsible for giving her sleepless nights! It kinda makes her look bad, but she told me that its not my responsibility for being the voice she hears before she goes to bed, but since I did it for so long, almost 4 years now - its a habit of hers and she cant help it. So the idea of us writing letters instead of phone calls is really nice, but I cant think of her absorbing such a radical change or me not feeling guilty about it.
Co de pend ent. It's not a healthy thing.
She's not the only one emotionally addicted - you've assumed responsibility for her feelings for so long that you don't know how to let her be responsible for herself.

Why do you have to "convince" her of anything? If you want to try writing a letter - write her a letter! If you write a long and loving, well thought-out letter, the letter itself may convince her.

If you blame yourself for treating her way over the top, the obvious solution is to stop doing it! She's a big girl now, she needs to learn to sleep without her teddy bear.
She can't help it? BS! If you can break your habits, she can break hers. She's a grown-up now, she can learn to control her own actions.

Why do you feel guilty about her unwillingness to accept change?
More important, how do you expect her to ever grow?
I say, give yourself some breathing room, and let her deal with her own issues for a while. Either she'll learn that she really can survive without hearing your voice every night, or at least she'll learn to appreciate what she has instead of taking it for granted and throwing temper tantrums when her pacifier gets taken away from her.
- October 15th, 2009, 10:30 am
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beautifulgenius beautifulgenius is offline
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I agree that long Distance is not good for too long. But there is more to this than just that....

Everyone gets used to routine, but things do change , and a part of being a mature adult, is realizing that. It's not that you don't love her, but you need to continue on with your studies,( they are just as important to complete and do well at). I would suggest mailing her a tape with your voice on it, send her love letters, mail her cards, or even make a DVD or something. I think that the reason why you are getting into arguments is because of the time you had with her, is being replaced by your studies, and she misses it. It's hard to give it up, even on a temp. basis.

Long distance, sucks, but for the person that you love, it's a small price to pay for a love that is genuine.
- October 15th, 2009, 12:35 pm
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