what makes relationships worth it?


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maybeiwasmeant2bsingle is offline maybeiwasmeant2bsingle Post #1  October 13,2009, 9:15am
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i'm divorced and have been leading a happy, fun, peaceful, uncomplicated life for almost 4 yrs now ... i 've dated on and off, met lots of great guys, but never found someone i thought might be 'worth it' ... until now ....

the problem is, i keep running away - all i see is my happy, uncomplicated single life disappearing in lieu of all the complications that come with a relationship - from things like figuring out whose family to visit on holidays to the classic nightly debate about dinner 'what do you want? i dunno what do you want? i don't care what do you want?' (arrrrggh!) .... it all makes me cringe and ... like i said ... run away (almost literally).

can someone out there please help me remember why relationships are worth all the trouble????? my gut tells me they are but my head can't seem to recall why!?

sincerely,
maybeiwasmeant2bsingle (butnotsureireallywannabe)
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #2  October 13,2009, 9:43am
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I've been on my own, happily, for a long time too and have had the same thoughts ... I guess my hope is that I can retain a peaceful, happy life AND get all the goodies too! Goodies being: an opportunity to have a deeper life in ways you can only do with a mate. Going in directions that would never occur to me, on my own.

Being complete just within myself feels great! But I'm limited to experiences that I can come up with, alone. How much better to also have someone else's universe, too?

Or did you want more of a list of things? -- waking up and going to sleep with the same person for the rest of your life! Someone who's there when something really funny, sad, moving happens, to share it with! The in-jokes you develop with each other! Having mutual friends and a bigger extended family. Developing a history together! Not to mention fun, longterm sexual involvement, and oh yeah, love!
 
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Mokkesofie is offline Mokkesofie Post #3  October 13,2009, 11:06am
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I have lived on my own for 7 years now and I have hated being on my own every day of those seven years. Yes, I do appreciate that I'm able to travel at the spur of the moment without having to ask anyone, to be able to have my meals or not at any time of the day, to stay in bed if I don't feel like getting up, to do what I want whenever I want and so forth. But I have no doubt I would give that up in a heartbeat for a loving relationship.
 
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pds857 is offline pds857 Post #4  October 13,2009, 11:36am
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Have Mercy! Its sure been a Long time!

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Being a single lady most all my life, I LOVE my independence, for all the reasons ya'll listed above me an more.
I'm independent to a fault some might say. BUT .. . ..

I do love those times while in a relationship where ya come home from a bad day at work an your SO will listen to your rants an raves actin like they really know everything thats goin on until you run outta steam, an they do somethin so heartbreakingly sweet that all that BS jus washes away an your so much better for havin them in your life.

Or how bout those saturday nights that ya really jus wanna stay in a veg on the couch while surfin the channels, aint it better when ya have that SO there to cuddle with?

How about knowing that your SO will be there for ya when ya need somethin. It dont matter what that somethin is ... say. .. . a jar that ya cant quite open yaself an poof they do it like it was nothin, or when ya cant really reach that one dish in the very top of the cabinet an you know that you can call on them to reach it for ya.

Its the simple things in life that, you can handle on your own perfectly fine, that havin a loyal SO that will still be willin to do those things for or with you that makes relationships great.

Laughin, always better when someone else joins in.
Kissin, ya always gotta have someone else to make that fun. lol
Huggin, it takes two baby. (now i have that song in my head)
Holdin hands.
Sleepin, yea sure it dont take two, but boy is it nice to cuddle up with your SO an jus relax an sleep.
Dinner, for two?
Sharin a drink, or dessert with someone.

Who else will see you, without the make-up, with tossled hair an wearin your worn out t-shirt when ya jus wake up in the mornin, an still think that you look so sexy that they gotta have a lil more of your time before they'll let ya go to work.

Being in a relationship sometimes jus, rocks.
 
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HappyandLight is offline HappyandLight Post #5  October 13,2009, 2:40pm
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It's true, it takes compromise and negotiation.

I have one suggestion for the little stuff that can be irritating. In your example you asked about the dinner issue...if he askes don't say "I dunno", say "Let's have x". Be more decisive to stop that "whatever you want", "no, whatever you want". Sometimes you just got to do it.

I am right now mourning a bit, the freedom to travel where I want. I want to go on an Alaskan cruise so bad...yet my bf does not. What do I do? I am willing to go on my own but I don't want to cause a rift, either. I forfeited this trip this summer because of him, when there were amazing deals and now he isn't saying "yes" to next summer. I think I will be booking my trip now, with or without him (although I'd prefer he come with).

Oh, yes, me and my bf have a list of things we cannot/won't eat, it makes cooking so hard. I just come to realize he won't do garlic and onions! We eat vegetarian, to forego these herbs is so HARD! I'll have to cook them separate. Believe me, this is hard...so I relate. But it's still worth it.

We shall see.
 
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pds857 is offline pds857 Post #6  October 14,2009, 8:41am
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Have Mercy! Its sure been a Long time!

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Awww! I got stars!.... thanks somebody
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #7  October 14,2009, 9:21am

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HappyandLight wrote :
It's true, it takes compromise and negotiation.

I have one suggestion for the little stuff that can be irritating. In your example you asked about the dinner issue...if he askes don't say "I dunno", say "Let's have x". Be more decisive to stop that "whatever you want", "no, whatever you want". Sometimes you just got to do it.

I am right now mourning a bit, the freedom to travel where I want. I want to go on an Alaskan cruise so bad...yet my bf does not. What do I do? I am willing to go on my own but I don't want to cause a rift, either. I forfeited this trip this summer because of him, when there were amazing deals and now he isn't saying "yes" to next summer. I think I will be booking my trip now, with or without him (although I'd prefer he come with).

Oh, yes, me and my bf have a list of things we cannot/won't eat, it makes cooking so hard. I just come to realize he won't do garlic and onions! We eat vegetarian, to forego these herbs is so HARD! I'll have to cook them separate. Believe me, this is hard...so I relate. But it's still worth it.

We shall see.
Dear Happy,
I was just reading to see if somebody could ring my bell as well, since I feel like "Maybe" with regard to being single.What struck me as a Red Flag, is your post, your boy friend seems more like your Father Figure, The Boss, The Decision Maker in reality he has no power nor is he authorized by law to make your decisions for you!
Time to ask yourself why, you are empowering him to make your decisions? Try a therapist, if you can't answer the question for yourself. Why do you need his permission?

That should be the first appointment that you make after you get back from your Alaskan Cruise and now is the most beautiful time of the year to go and invite a girlfriend to to join you. Give him a chance to miss you.

Why do you have to do the cooking? (eating out or take out?)Your falling into a trap; that is going to make you unhappy in the future. It's a
good time to take a time out and think
about your relationship so it becomes more equitable? (or save it for a therapist?)

Harvey7.
Last edited by Harvey7; October 14,2009 at 9:43am.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #8  October 14,2009, 9:42am
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HappyandLight wrote :
I want to go on an Alaskan cruise so bad...yet my bf does not. What do I do? I am willing to go on my own but I don't want to cause a rift, either.
Why should this cause a rift? I would want my partner to support my interests and passions, not expect me to give them up. Are you sure he'd be upset if you went? Or is that just an assumption?

Rift-causers are things more like "I want kids and he doesn't", etc. -- the kinds of things where either one of you has to give up on something really important, or you have to break up.

Maybe suggest he spend the week that you're in Alaska doing some trip you're not interested in?
 
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Mokkesofie is offline Mokkesofie Post #9  October 14,2009, 10:32am
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pds857 wrote :
Awww! I got stars!.... thanks somebody
You are welcome
 
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Benevolence32 is offline Benevolence32 Post #10  October 14,2009, 10:34am
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Sassafras54 wrote :
I've been on my own, happily, for a long time too and have had the same thoughts ... I guess my hope is that I can retain a peaceful, happy life AND get all the goodies too! Goodies being: an opportunity to have a deeper life in ways you can only do with a mate. Going in directions that would never occur to me, on my own.

Being complete just within myself feels great! But I'm limited to experiences that I can come up with, alone. How much better to also have someone else's universe, too?

Or did you want more of a list of things? -- waking up and going to sleep with the same person for the rest of your life! Someone who's there when something really funny, sad, moving happens, to share it with! The in-jokes you develop with each other! Having mutual friends and a bigger extended family. Developing a history together! Not to mention fun, longterm sexual involvement, and oh yeah, love!
I liked this post it's pretty much how I view it. After being single for about 3 years now there are definitely some benefits to it, which I have been taking advantage of while I can. In the end though I think the benefits of a good relationship where you're like peanut butter and jelly outweigh the benefits of being single.
 
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