what makes relationships worth it?


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maybeiwasmeant2bsingle is offline maybeiwasmeant2bsingle Post #21  October 14,2009, 6:14pm
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jayjay wrote :
But for some people even things like squeezing the toothpaste from the 'wrong' end drives them nuts and is a dealbreaker. For people like this relationships might simply not be workable.
good point jayjay ... people like this would really frighten me. makes me think of that julia roberts movie where she had to turn all the labels on the cans outward and make sure all the handtowels lined up.

scary.
 
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maybeiwasmeant2bsingle is offline maybeiwasmeant2bsingle Post #22  October 14,2009, 7:30pm
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pds857 wrote :
Being in a relationship sometimes jus, rocks.
YOU jus rock pdf857! What's your secret?

How do you stay so 'optimistic' and 'upbeat'? And how are you not scared that you're going to lose the independence that we both clearly love? Is there a line or a balance someplace for us "girls-with-independent-streaks" that I just haven't figured out yet? Got any suggestions on how I might find that?

Still just tryin' to figure it out.
Maybe
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #23  October 15,2009, 12:14am

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maybeiwasmeant2bsingle wrote :
hmm. are you a therapist yourself harvey? ... i actually have a counselor so your 'speak' sounds very familiar ... anyway ...

my ex-spouse was really not like my dad at all (sorry). no clue what possessed me to make that choice, but like i said i was 25 and wasn't even full grown yet. live and learn! we both had budding careers and at one point at least feigned that we were 'equals' (obviously that was a bit of a farce since it ended in divorce, but anyway). and my parents were the best on the planet (sorry everyone else, i got 'em!) so i never felt 'infringed upon' - just lots of love and support - two of my favorite people of all time and always will be .

i do think you're in the right forest tho - i never lived alone until i got divorced - home, then college roomates, then post-college roomates, then husband. scary at first, but now i love it - i own a home, pets, cars, riding mower, etc etc all by my lonesome and do just fine - sure the deck still needs powerwashed and once in a while a day goes by when the dog doesn't get walked but i think i do ok. i put stuff away and stuff is where i put it - and when it's not put away i know exactly who didn't do it! . i really think it's the possibility of getting used to NOT having to do it all myself again that freaks me out (thus the flip out from the surprise weeding). because i'm smart enough now (remember the rosy glasses got repo'd) to know how truly difficult relationships are, how much work, how much give and take, and how horribly bad the odds are (especially for divorcees) ... so i was here looking for some reminders of why on earth people do this 'relationship thing' voluntarily!!?!?!! //which i have to note, while you've given me several good things to think about you haven't given me any reasons why a relationship is worth it ... got any of those?

i'll have to think about these 'triggers' - maybe there is some specific pattern i'm just not able to see yet - thanks ... i like that you think i'm only punishing myself - better that than me punishing someone else!! but you are definitely right that i'm not giving him the best i could i know this - and he deserves MUCH better. pretty much why i'm here trying to figure out if it's worth diving in - which i think i could succeed at with this guy if i could just convince myself it's worth it, or if i should just run like hell and not show my face on another date until i'm 100% sure i'm 'ready' (which frankly, i don't know if that would ever be the case for me ... thus the 'maybeiwasmeant2bsingle' name). maybe it's similar to a soldier (tho this is FAR too strong of an anology, and I do NOT mean that relationships even remotely compare to war! just the most descriptive thing I can think of) - first tour of duty maybe he's all gungho and ready to represent his country, no bruises, no wounds - second time he's a little battered, maybe has a limp, but still wants to represent his country but he can't possibly forget everything he saw on his first tour so he's naturally a little apprehensive - he knows it's a different war, totally different location, different players, but he also knows some ugly things about war are simply the same wherever he goes, right? surely this is not unheard of thinking, right? i mean, i'll admit i'm probably skrewed up more than some but cripes, SOMEONE out there must feel the same way I'm describing ... right? maybe? no? I just want the soldier to tell me WHY he's going back in for his second tour? WHAT makes him soooo sure that it's worth it?

i'll definitely keep your lease w/3-4 bedrooms idea in mind ... very similar to my '3 bedrooms' idea! I think we're really onto something with this ...

in all seriousness ... many thanks for your time and thoughts!
The fourth bedroom is a small office or exercise room for alone time.
Why does it have to end with love and marriage? He can be your friend and lover with no strings. The logical reason for marriage is to have children, not to ad someone to your tax return or for ownership.
Your a smart lady, but you can not be objective about yourself! You are blanking because you choose to! How would you feel about running into your guy with another women in the super market shopping together? It's a 2 way street, right?

Harvey7.
 
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maybeiwasmeant2bsingle is offline maybeiwasmeant2bsingle Post #24  October 15,2009, 8:25am
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Harvey7 wrote :

Why does it have to end with love and marriage? He can be your friend and lover with no strings. The logical reason for marriage is to have children, not to ad someone to your tax return or for ownership.
Your a smart lady, but you can not be objective about yourself! You are blanking because you choose to! How would you feel about running into your guy with another women in the super market shopping together? It's a 2 way street, right?

Harvey7.
Personally, I think it has to end in commitment, but not marriage (and I have the lucky knowledge now that the commitment has absolutely nothing to do with the paper) ... but remember he's still got his rosey glasses on and I respect that ... when I asked if actual 'marriage' was something he really wanted with someone someday he thought for a while and then said yes and gave a lot of personal reasons why. So for him it does. Fair enough. Am I hellbent on never getting married again? No (if I were that woulda been a deal breaker for both of us right then) ... but it might just require a small sign from god to convince me ...

Interesting question about seeing him with someone else ... pretty clear and immediate answer here - No, I would not want to see it. I do want him to be happy, but if that really is with someone else then nope, I don't want to witness it.

I'm really just tired of me going back and forth. Was hoping folks here could help me stack a bunch of 'great reasons relationships are so worth it' on one side, and my worries and fears and need for independence blah blah blah on the other and I'd be able to clearly see which way was 'right' for me right now. Not really happening that way tho . I don't fully understand why, esp when it seems crystal clear to lots of other people on this planet, but that's probably not something anyone can help me with but me ... well, or a trained professional.

Thanks and best of luck with your leased space Harvey7! Workout room is a great idea! I'm adding that into my plan!
 
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pds857 is offline pds857 Post #25  October 15,2009, 10:11am
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maybeiwasmeant2bsingle wrote :
YOU jus rock pds857! What's your secret?

How do you stay so 'optimistic' and 'upbeat'? And how are you not scared that you're going to lose the independence that we both clearly love? Is there a line or a balance someplace for us "girls-with-independent-streaks" that I just haven't figured out yet? Got any suggestions on how I might find that?

Still just tryin' to figure it out.
Maybe
I dont really think its a secret really. I jus for the most part know who I am, an what I am, and I'm very comfortable with me. I can live in my own skin an not feel like I'm missin out on things. I'm outspoken all the time, so If someone I'm with likes honesty then they get plenty of it from me. An if they dont, then I dont need to be with them. If I need some 'girl time' or 'alone time' I take it. I dont need to be someone's shadow to feel loved or in love.

I'm not the type of person to bow down an jus do whatever someone wants me to do. But on the other hand, I Like to do sweet an nice things for those I love.

Being optimistic an upbeat didnt come easy for me until I started living on my own when I turned 18. I was always tryin to conform to what people wanted me to be, an I wasnt happy. When I got out on my own, it was aweful an lonely until I found peace in my mind an heart. After that, I loved me, the whole me, an I dont care if someone else does or not, thats not the point, because I love me, an thats enough.

My peace an balance comes from being comfortable in my own skin.
I can be in a room full of people or I can be alone readin a book. I'm happy either way.
I turn this on my relationships as well. Yes I'd like to spend time with him, yes I love all those lil things that are so much better with two. Yes I want companionship, an intimacy, but I dont have to have it to still be happy. Some people look at their mate an think, they complete me. Well I'm pretty much a complete person, so I dont want that type of a relationship, I want someone that compliments me, if that makes sense? They are strong where I am weak, they have knowleadge where I dont.

Its like a complicated weaving of all these colorful materials with each thread in its right place an when its done right, an you stand back an look at it, its a whole picture. Its there no matter if you wanna add more to it or not, this is your base, an if you want to add to it, you can, but if you take somethin away, its not gonna make it less, jus back to the original.

My advice to you, dont worry so much, if you are with him, then your with him, if not then your not, you still should be you, no matter who your with, an if someone wants you to change to fit them, then they aint the right someone for you. Period.

Go ahead have this relationship, its only as hard as ya make it. An its not losing your independence to be considerate to those you care about, if anything I think it makes you stronger.
Oh, an the whole, whadda ya want for dinner scene, jus decide an go from there, it aint that hard, you figure out what you wanna eat all the time, if they dont want to eat what you suggest then they can suggest somethin. Dont make life or relationships harder than they have to be.
I wish ya luck.
 
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deemcpee is offline deemcpee Post #26  October 23,2009, 9:54am
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Having been on my own for over a year and a half at this point (and many times over the years prior) I love love love my own company and the freedom to do the things you want to do, but, there's nothing quite like having that special person (in my opinion anyway) to share the good/bad and the ugly times with...waking up on a cold morning and still wanting to snuggle; dinners with friends and family; going for a walk; dinner; drinks - all of it...yup - that's why we're on e-harmony - right?
 
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Fleuellen is offline Fleuellen Post #27  October 23,2009, 3:19pm
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Most interesting topic!

I worked out that since 18 I've "nominally" been in one relationship or another 27 years; 87% of the time. So I guess it is my prefer state.

I've also rarely felt on my own. I sole care of my children since their mother died quite few years ago now. But they are getting older less dependent. But hen I was living on my own I spent most of the time at the gym.

I feel the best of a relationship is wonderful, and the worst is horrid. Otherwise, fair to mudderling. The following quote says it best for me.

"because I crave touch and intimacy, I crave being held, I crave spooning ... warm body close by, someone who cares for me genuienely".
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #28  October 24,2009, 10:29am
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Most of us are biologically wired to want the closeness and intimacy that comes with a committed relationship and that makes it worth it. Some however are not.

you could really be asking the same question I've been asking myself.

If there were someone ideal out there who could make it work for you, would you want to do it? If so maybe being single all the rest of your life isn't the way to go. Maybe make a list of what you want, don't want to say about yourself twenty years from now and see where that leads. Will you be regretting you didn't try twenty years from now?

I will say it sounds like this guy really cares about you. Or he would probably already be gone looking for someone who has no issue committing to a relationship. That or he has some validation issues keeping him in the game with you. hard to say which.
Last edited by nightling; October 24,2009 at 10:31am.
 
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pjm21 is offline pjm21 Post #29  October 24,2009, 6:30pm
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No relationship is perfect! Seems any relationship, or at least the ones I've been involved in, take a lot of work. I'm in a relationship now that perplexes me. My b/f has been divorced about 8 years and I've known him 5, but he won't give an inch in our relationship.
He seems committed to me, but only on a temporary basis. He is uncomfortable if we spend more than one night together or he claims he's busy. He savors his freedom and independence and cherishes time with his adult children, so it means no vacations together, not even a weekend together.
I'm open to dating other men, but nothing has lasted as long as my current b/f. I still enjoy being with him and I can't forget him. As the saying goes, a bird in hand is worth two in the bush.
It's definitely a hard relationship and even at this point, I don't know if he's worth it.
 
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trixie1868 is offline trixie1868 Post #30  October 25,2009, 9:05am

what the bejeezus is going on round here?!

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You are where I want to be.

I've been single for about 2 years, some complications with the ex and then properly single for the past year. I live alone. I have an apartment (mostly by luck) in a great part of the city and have a good job with spare income. I've missed my ex enormously but have come to terms with it and have really learnt to love my own company. I live rather nicely but alone.

I know to let someone into my life and 'upset' all my single girl benefits will probably be a challenge and I'm hoping I'll be so blindly in love that I'll be able to do it without too much of a stretch.... but I expect it'll stretch me all the same.

When you're single you become a bit of a social butterfly, landing here and there, having a nice time, spreading a bit of lightness which is great. You always go home alone however and no-one but you knows what your life looks like in its entirity. You're polite conversation here, a giggle there, an annecdote at this party, a flirty presence at that bar. But there's no connectivity. The only person who knows your whole life story is you.

I want to be at the party, doing my thing (whatever that is) and know that there's someone the other side of the room occassionally looking over to see if I'm ok. Someone who knows that I laddered 2 pairs of pantyhose getting ready that night, that I've had a busy week and I'm a bit tired and that I've got to call my sister tomorrow because she's not well. Someone that on the way home will have some little snippet of gossip for me and will listen to the summarised conversations I've been having and will laugh with me about it all. Just little things. Little things that connect my life together in ways I can't do by myself. That's what'd make a relationship worth it for me.
 
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