There are issues yet to be defined by the both of you, because it would be putting the cart before the horse. What are his needs, wants, desires and eventually you will be equals, the would be known as sharing which most definitely would infringe on your space. So you married a guy like your father, who was the boss over you? You left one's house only to make a poor choice in life mates and there you were being told what you can and can not do.

There is only one person being punished here and that is you. It's kind of a smack in the face to wake you up when you feel pressured in your own head. It goes back to your teenage years and your space being infringed upon by your parents. Have you been able to identify the triggers that set you off? Once you become aware it's much easier to see things ob a different level. Now if you feel this guy is a keeper,
I would find s therapist for some short term therapy for myself so you can get on with your life and to find happiness. After you feel comfortable with your progress, bring your guy in for couples counseling and listen to what he has to say. Currently your depriving him emotionally of the best that you have to offer a life mate.

The lease is to find a 3 or 4 bedroom, 2 bathrooms house or a Condo to rent and see how it works out, if it does not you go your separate ways without lawyers or the courts.

Harvey7.

hmm. are you a therapist yourself harvey? ... i actually have a counselor so your 'speak' sounds very familiar ... anyway ...

my ex-spouse was really not like my dad at all (sorry). no clue what possessed me to make that choice, but like i said i was 25 and wasn't even full grown yet. live and learn! we both had budding careers and at one point at least feigned that we were 'equals' (obviously that was a bit of a farce since it ended in divorce, but anyway). and my parents were the best on the planet (sorry everyone else, i got 'em!) so i never felt 'infringed upon' - just lots of love and support - two of my favorite people of all time and always will be .

i do think you're in the right forest tho - i never lived alone until i got divorced - home, then college roomates, then post-college roomates, then husband. scary at first, but now i love it - i own a home, pets, cars, riding mower, etc etc all by my lonesome and do just fine - sure the deck still needs powerwashed and once in a while a day goes by when the dog doesn't get walked but i think i do ok. i put stuff away and stuff is where i put it - and when it's not put away i know exactly who didn't do it! . i really think it's the possibility of getting used to NOT having to do it all myself again that freaks me out (thus the flip out from the surprise weeding). because i'm smart enough now (remember the rosy glasses got repo'd) to know how truly difficult relationships are, how much work, how much give and take, and how horribly bad the odds are (especially for divorcees) ... so i was here looking for some reminders of why on earth people do this 'relationship thing' voluntarily!!?!?!! //which i have to note, while you've given me several good things to think about you haven't given me any reasons why a relationship is worth it ... got any of those?

i'll have to think about these 'triggers' - maybe there is some specific pattern i'm just not able to see yet - thanks ... i like that you think i'm only punishing myself - better that than me punishing someone else!! but you are definitely right that i'm not giving him the best i could i know this - and he deserves MUCH better. pretty much why i'm here trying to figure out if it's worth diving in - which i think i could succeed at with this guy if i could just convince myself it's worth it, or if i should just run like hell and not show my face on another date until i'm 100% sure i'm 'ready' (which frankly, i don't know if that would ever be the case for me ... thus the 'maybeiwasmeant2bsingle' name). maybe it's similar to a soldier (tho this is FAR too strong of an anology, and I do NOT mean that relationships even remotely compare to war! just the most descriptive thing I can think of) - first tour of duty maybe he's all gungho and ready to represent his country, no bruises, no wounds - second time he's a little battered, maybe has a limp, but still wants to represent his country but he can't possibly forget everything he saw on his first tour so he's naturally a little apprehensive - he knows it's a different war, totally different location, different players, but he also knows some ugly things about war are simply the same wherever he goes, right? surely this is not unheard of thinking, right? i mean, i'll admit i'm probably skrewed up more than some but cripes, SOMEONE out there must feel the same way I'm describing ... right? maybe? no? I just want the soldier to tell me WHY he's going back in for his second tour? WHAT makes him soooo sure that it's worth it?

i'll definitely keep your lease w/3-4 bedrooms idea in mind ... very similar to my '3 bedrooms' idea! I think we're really onto something with this ...

in all seriousness ... many thanks for your time and thoughts!