what makes relationships worth it?


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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #11  October 14,2009, 10:42am
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Benevolence32 wrote :
I think the benefits of a good relationship where you're like peanut butter and jelly outweigh the benefits of being single.
Great metaphor!
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #12  October 14,2009, 12:00pm

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maybeiwasmeant2bsingle wrote :
i'm divorced and have been leading a happy, fun, peaceful, uncomplicated life for almost 4 yrs now ... i 've dated on and off, met lots of great guys, but never found someone i thought might be 'worth it' ... until now ....

the problem is, i keep running away - all i see is my happy, uncomplicated single life disappearing in lieu of all the complications that come with a relationship - from things like figuring out whose family to visit on holidays to the classic nightly debate about dinner 'what do you want? i dunno what do you want? i don't care what do you want?' (arrrrggh!) .... it all makes me cringe and ... like i said ... run away (almost literally).

can someone out there please help me remember why relationships are worth all the trouble????? my gut tells me they are but my head can't seem to recall why!?

sincerely,
maybeiwasmeant2bsingle (butnotsureireallywannabe)

Dear Maybe,
You didn't say, if you had kids or not or how old are the both of you? Do you want children?
Why do you think that your running away?
I happen to agree with you decision, but for different reasons. The main point is that you can lease without having ownership along with the demands and rights that go along with it.
Most holidays you get an invite and if you choose to accept it great, if not you make your own plans, but children, parents and certain friends make it hard to refuse.
Running away states that your running away from yourself, rather then having a clearly defined view or benchmark for you to consider!

Harvey7.
 
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maybeiwasmeant2bsingle is offline maybeiwasmeant2bsingle Post #13  October 14,2009, 12:01pm
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Thanks for all the great replies!!

I know it seems 'obvious' but I tell ya, I've got this great guy who I really really like on one hand ... and my great single life which I really really like on the other - it seems sooo impossible (or at least improbable) to merge the two successfully. I'm pretty sure before I was granted my divorce I was required to turn in my rose-colored glasses so all the great things i see have not-so-great counterparts that I know can/might/will go with them ... my 'great guy' has never been married so his rosy glasses are still on and that's been ... interesting.

You're all right tho - and I know it - and you're all very VERY realistic about it ... which is what I needed to hear ... you're all telling me "duh, of course it's hard", but as they say, "nothin' worth having is easy". Did I catch that right?

Alaskan cruise girl - definitely try to go by yourself or with a girlfriend! One of the biggest mistakes I made in my marriage was that we did EVERYTHING together - turned out a total disaster and in the end I had noone because I didn't do things like take vacations with girlfriends, nurture my other relationships, etc ... since then I have taken a yearly vacation with just the girls and I will do that from here on out! It's a really really good thing! I bet if you frame it right your bf will be ok with it - for one, like you said, he gets out of going on a trip he'll hate! Plus you get to 'miss' each other and I'm convinced a little space is a good thing. My current thinking is that if I ever hook up with someone 'forever' again we'll have 3 bedrooms - yours, mine, ours - we each get some of our own space. And, some nites I can invite him to my place (fun!), he can invite me to his(also fun!), or we can meet in ours(still fun!) or we can say y'know what, I'll see you tomorrow and both get some of that space I was just talking about! ... I'm pretty sure this is a FANTASTIC idea and I might have to patent it!! LOL! (whattaya think? if '3 bedrooms' ever happens for me I'll let y'all know how it worked out .

Hopin' we all find PB for our Jelly!
Much thanks for taking your time to help me!
 
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maybeiwasmeant2bsingle is offline maybeiwasmeant2bsingle Post #14  October 14,2009, 12:27pm
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Harvey7 wrote :

Dear Maybe,
You didn't say, if you had kids or not or how old are the both of you? Do you want children?
Why do you think that your running away?
I happen to agree with you decision, but for different reasons. The main point is that you can lease without having ownership along with the demands and rights that go along with it.
...
Running away states that your running away from yourself, rather then having a clearly defined view or benchmark for you to consider!

Harvey7.
Hi Harvey ... no kids involved luckily (neither together nor seperate for either of us). We're both late30s/early40s - old enough for our brains to have fully developed (unlike how I was, say, when I got married at 25! . Like I said, I'm divorced, he's been in 2 serious relationships that didn't end up in marriage. He still believes in love-true-love ... and I'm scarred, and skeptical. Kids is a maybe for both of us - both always thought we would, but both pretty realistic about our ages/situations and neither is willing to hookup with the wrong person just to procreate. I've already come to terms with the fact that I might not (I think probably most women my age have these 'internal' talks with themselves starting at about 39 whether they want to or not).

And yep, I'm petrified and I keep bolting. Something happens (last time it was because he weeded my flower bed without asking me) and I start to twitch and I tell him I need space and that "I'm not ready for this". Yep. Seriously. It's all me and I know and openly admit that (to you complete strangers, to him, to my, to my friends and to my dogs ... . He's not pushing at all and every time I freak he pretty much just stands completely frozen in place, quietly, like he just accidentally made a really loud BOOM! in front of an injured war veteran and he waits for me to come back out from under the table (by wait I don't mean he annoys me or stops his own life, he quietly goes away like I ask, let's me know he's there if/when I'm ready again, and just waits). He even has said he just wants to 'know' me - not asking for a commitment, not asking for anything, just a chance to 'know' me, hang out, have fun, be with me.

So of course I like this guy. He's just a really good person (and the whole attraction, similar interests, similar values, etc etc are all inline). And yeah, I know how annoying my bolting is (I'm irritated at myself far more than he's irritated with me!) ... totally not fair to him. So I'm at the point now where I either need to stop bolting ... or I need to walk away entirely.

But ... please tell me more about your 'lease' option??? 'Cause I kinda like the sounds of that ... maybe that would fit me better to think of it a different way .... and maybe it's something I can sell this great guy with the rose-colored glasses? .... How does this 'lease' option work? Maybe his PB and my Jelly can just hang out in the pantry together sometimes??? Get together on a slice of bread once in a while????

Thanks,
Maybe still a maybe. Or not. (oh heck, I don't know!)
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #15  October 14,2009, 1:04pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Benevolence32 wrote :
I liked this post it's pretty much how I view it. After being single for about 3 years now there are definitely some benefits to it, which I have been taking advantage of while I can. In the end though I think the benefits of a good relationship where you're like peanut butter and jelly outweigh the benefits of being single.
Yes...it's when the benefits outweigh the negatives that it becomes worth it.

What I'd add to this is...the more difficulty a person has in compromising or generally getting along with others the greater the negatives will be. The negatives will also be greater if the partner they choose has trouble getting along with others.

Part of this issue can be related to an individual's personality and how able (or unable) they are to mesh with and get along harmoniously with others. For some people deciding what to have dinner can be a 'daily battle'. For others coming to a mutually satisfactory decision on even big issues can oftentimes be relatively easy.
 
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maybeiwasmeant2bsingle is offline maybeiwasmeant2bsingle Post #16  October 14,2009, 1:19pm
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I heard/read something somewhere (can't remember where, I clearly hear/read way too much stuff tho I wish I could so I could give credit where it's due) ... that said the 'negatives' are just the 'price of admission' (and there's ALWAYS a price of admission) ... that is, the things that drive you nuts in a relationship, like they wear ugly shoes or chew their food too loudly, or maybe are annoying about what to have for dinner, or adamant that the holidays are spent with their family, or they hate Alaskan cruises, or onions ... it's all just the 'price of admission' ... (and obviously we all have our own prices too) ...

I guess to figure out if a relationship is worth it or not you just have to determine whether or not you think the show that's currently playing is worth the price you're paying for admission. ?.

I suppose we're free to walk out of this movie. Go try another. Go to the park and not watch any movie at all. Etc etc etc.

Eh?
 
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librarybabe is offline librarybabe Post #17  October 14,2009, 2:45pm
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Benevolence32 wrote :
In the end though I think the benefits of a good relationship where you're like peanut butter and jelly outweigh the benefits of being single.
Ooh! I like that too! I wanna be the peanut butter. Now to find the right flavor jelly....mmm....
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #18  October 14,2009, 2:52pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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maybeiwasmeant2bsingle wrote :
the things that drive you nuts in a relationship, like they wear ugly shoes or chew their food too loudly, or maybe are annoying about what to have for dinner, or adamant that the holidays are spent with their family, or they hate Alaskan cruises, or onions ... it's all just the 'price of admission' ... (and obviously we all have our own prices too) ...

I guess to figure out if a relationship is worth it or not you just have to determine whether or not you think the show that's currently playing is worth the price you're paying for admission. ?.
It sounds like things that would be very small matters to me are things that bother you and end up making a relationship not worth the hassle. Things like if my partner 'wears ugly shoes' or 'chews their food too loudly'. Things like this really aren't even an issue to me. But for some people even things like squeezing the toothpaste from the 'wrong' end drives them nuts and is a dealbreaker. For people like this relationships might simply not be workable.
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #19  October 14,2009, 3:54pm

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maybeiwasmeant2bsingle wrote :
I heard/read something somewhere (can't remember where, I clearly hear/read way too much stuff tho I wish I could so I could give credit where it's due) ... that said the 'negatives' are just the 'price of admission' (and there's ALWAYS a price of admission) ... that is, the things that drive you nuts in a relationship, like they wear ugly shoes or chew their food too loudly, or maybe are annoying about what to have for dinner, or adamant that the holidays are spent with their family, or they hate Alaskan cruises, or onions ... it's all just the 'price of admission' ... (and obviously we all have our own prices too) ...

I guess to figure out if a relationship is worth it or not you just have to determine whether or not you think the show that's currently playing is worth the price you're paying for admission. ?.

I suppose we're free to walk out of this movie. Go try another. Go to the park and not watch any movie at all. Etc etc etc.

Eh?

There are issues yet to be defined by the both of you, because it would be putting the cart before the horse. What are his needs, wants, desires and eventually you will be equals, the would be known as sharing which most definitely would infringe on your space. So you married a guy like your father, who was the boss over you? You left one's house only to make a poor choice in life mates and there you were being told what you can and can not do.

There is only one person being punished here and that is you. It's kind of a smack in the face to wake you up when you feel pressured in your own head. It goes back to your teenage years and your space being infringed upon by your parents. Have you been able to identify the triggers that set you off? Once you become aware it's much easier to see things ob a different level. Now if you feel this guy is a keeper,
I would find s therapist for some short term therapy for myself so you can get on with your life and to find happiness. After you feel comfortable with your progress, bring your guy in for couples counseling and listen to what he has to say. Currently your depriving him emotionally of the best that you have to offer a life mate.

The lease is to find a 3 or 4 bedroom, 2 bathrooms house or a Condo to rent and see how it works out, if it does not you go your separate ways without lawyers or the courts.

Harvey7.
Last edited by Harvey7; October 14,2009 at 3:58pm.
 
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maybeiwasmeant2bsingle is offline maybeiwasmeant2bsingle Post #20  October 14,2009, 6:09pm
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hmm. are you a therapist yourself harvey? ... i actually have a counselor so your 'speak' sounds very familiar ... anyway ...

my ex-spouse was really not like my dad at all (sorry). no clue what possessed me to make that choice, but like i said i was 25 and wasn't even full grown yet. live and learn! we both had budding careers and at one point at least feigned that we were 'equals' (obviously that was a bit of a farce since it ended in divorce, but anyway). and my parents were the best on the planet (sorry everyone else, i got 'em!) so i never felt 'infringed upon' - just lots of love and support - two of my favorite people of all time and always will be .

i do think you're in the right forest tho - i never lived alone until i got divorced - home, then college roomates, then post-college roomates, then husband. scary at first, but now i love it - i own a home, pets, cars, riding mower, etc etc all by my lonesome and do just fine - sure the deck still needs powerwashed and once in a while a day goes by when the dog doesn't get walked but i think i do ok. i put stuff away and stuff is where i put it - and when it's not put away i know exactly who didn't do it! . i really think it's the possibility of getting used to NOT having to do it all myself again that freaks me out (thus the flip out from the surprise weeding). because i'm smart enough now (remember the rosy glasses got repo'd) to know how truly difficult relationships are, how much work, how much give and take, and how horribly bad the odds are (especially for divorcees) ... so i was here looking for some reminders of why on earth people do this 'relationship thing' voluntarily!!?!?!! //which i have to note, while you've given me several good things to think about you haven't given me any reasons why a relationship is worth it ... got any of those?

i'll have to think about these 'triggers' - maybe there is some specific pattern i'm just not able to see yet - thanks ... i like that you think i'm only punishing myself - better that than me punishing someone else!! but you are definitely right that i'm not giving him the best i could i know this - and he deserves MUCH better. pretty much why i'm here trying to figure out if it's worth diving in - which i think i could succeed at with this guy if i could just convince myself it's worth it, or if i should just run like hell and not show my face on another date until i'm 100% sure i'm 'ready' (which frankly, i don't know if that would ever be the case for me ... thus the 'maybeiwasmeant2bsingle' name). maybe it's similar to a soldier (tho this is FAR too strong of an anology, and I do NOT mean that relationships even remotely compare to war! just the most descriptive thing I can think of) - first tour of duty maybe he's all gungho and ready to represent his country, no bruises, no wounds - second time he's a little battered, maybe has a limp, but still wants to represent his country but he can't possibly forget everything he saw on his first tour so he's naturally a little apprehensive - he knows it's a different war, totally different location, different players, but he also knows some ugly things about war are simply the same wherever he goes, right? surely this is not unheard of thinking, right? i mean, i'll admit i'm probably skrewed up more than some but cripes, SOMEONE out there must feel the same way I'm describing ... right? maybe? no? I just want the soldier to tell me WHY he's going back in for his second tour? WHAT makes him soooo sure that it's worth it?

i'll definitely keep your lease w/3-4 bedrooms idea in mind ... very similar to my '3 bedrooms' idea! I think we're really onto something with this ...

in all seriousness ... many thanks for your time and thoughts!
 
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